It is amazing how much I am affected by circumstances that
surround me, and/or how people respond to me (or don’t respond to me,
depending). I would like to think that I
am more independent than that, or at least not so easily influenced. I know that I am easily influenced. I can be talked into pretty much
anything. I am open-minded and spontaneous,
so I figure, why not? I’ll try it, especially
if it is something new (whether an idea or action), or it will bring someone
joy, or make people laugh (or it’s fighting the power…fight the power!) How people respond to me, and what is
happening to me in any given season (or day) of my life, directly reflect on
how I feel about myself and my life.
I am driven by emotions.
I will fall silent in a meeting if I feel like I am not being heard
(when I say heard, what I really mean is respected and taken seriously). I take it personal, and I grind my
teeth. You can physically see my eyes
cloud over, and I want you to see it, in that moment. Truth:
What happens in meetings is not personal, and if it is, that is the
person’s problem who is being unprofessional enough to make it personal. The only thing I can come up with that would
possibly cause such immature behavior in yours truly is…pride.
I want everything to be fair. I get physically angry if I feel something is
unfair. It can be incredibly obnoxious
at times. It can also serve people who
cannot defend themselves, and bring about positive change. I wish I could say it is in that instance where
this shows up the most. I wish. I’m not sure I want to squash this entirely
in myself, but I would like to control it to some degree, so it can rear its
monstrous brevity at more appropriate times (like, maybe not when someone wins
something I feel they don’t deserve….who am I to judge who deserves what?) The obnoxious, unnecessary anger often leaves
me tired and, eventually, defeated. How
can that possibly serve me or anyone else in a positive way?
I am a fighter. I
have always been a fighter. However, I
am also a coward, and have always been a coward. These two do not mix. I tend to confuse the emotions which drive
each. I tend to fight when I should sit
down and be quiet, and I tend to sit down and be quiet when I should speak
up. It’s horrible. I figure it out eventually (good ol’
hindsight), and rake myself over the coals for it entirely too often. Both can be good, and both can serve the
common good (not so much cowardice as wisdom, which is often mistaken for
cowardice). Enter Serenity Prayer here.
Truth is…I knew all of these things about myself in my 20’s. As they became more apparent, I actually
became more stubborn about them, exacerbating my reactions to otherwise simple
events. I know the fact that I was going
through (undiagnosed) menopause can work in my favor as a formidable excuse. I can be a little gentler with myself about
that season of life, now having a better understanding of just how much craziness
comes along with menopause. God gave me all these 'funny little things about me' for a reason. Now, in my
30’s (did I mention how much I love my 30’s?), I realize it is in my power to
figure out a way to hone these ‘less admirable attributes’ into ‘awesome skills’
for the marketplace, professional world, and life in general. The one thing you begin to realize is, there is no way
you can do it alone. I think we all have
this fear of exposing ourselves to other people (figuratively speaking, of
course. Well, I think many people are
afraid of naked, too…naked is…naked.
Leave it alone. It’s awesome.) We think we’re going to become vulnerable, and
leave ourselves more open to be judged, or worse, rejected. The truth is, though, people already see
these things in us. Chances are, none of
my friends would be surprised if I went up to them and said, ‘You know, I think
I take things personal too much.’ They
would probably become immediately fearful in how to respond to the statement….wondering
if I actually desire an honest response, or if I’m just seeking slightly erroneous
affirmation. I’m not sure I would
disappoint them. Chances are I would
take whatever they said in response very personal. Nobody can win responding to a statement like
that…except if you’re me. I will tell
you the truth (or at least my truth, the truth I see and know). I’ll try to say it in a way that allows you
to see the positive side of it, but I will still tell you what I see, and how I feel
about it, if you ask. That is one thing I
have never regretted changing about me…no matter how anyone has responded. The truth does set you free. It’s nice that people pretty much know that’s
exactly what you’ll get if you come to me with something. I’m not always right. I don’t always know what I’m talking
about. I will listen, though, and
usually just repeat back to you what you said to me in a different way so that
you can hear what you need to from the very person you need to hear it from…yourself. I expect the same thing from others. I’m not sure I have always made it very easy
for people to respond to me in the same way.
I yearned for it, but would make you sorry for it. I have improved vastly on this account, but
still have a long way to go.
I see it. I see all
of these ‘attributes’ in my life. It’s
time to stop countless bouts of self-degradation for moments already passed. It’s like Ric says (and now I also say) when
directing a show, ‘Recognize your mistake, take it out, and don’t replace it
with a new one’. The audience doesn’t
know the blocking, or choreography, or the lines. Concentrating on a mistake only leaves room
to make another one. Recognize it,
acquire feedback, gain perspective that’s different from yours, allow room for
forgiveness on all levels, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, and, for Pete’s sake, move
up. Moving up is so much better than
moving on. Moving on sometimes means we
just move over. Moving up means we have
taken something from the experience and brought it with us, so we can be better
the next time around. Nobody knows your
blocking, choreography, or lines. Dance
away, my little darlings. If someone has
something to say about it, take it in if there’s a lesson to be learned, thank
them, shake your booty, and smile. 
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