Friday, May 27th
I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night than camping out at Chad’s house.
I had dinner tonight with four extraordinary men, and one adorable baby. I know, sounds like a Ted Danson movie, but it really was fabulous. Our conversation went round and round, and it felt like I have been part of this little group all along. I adore all of them. I often adore the people I meet along the way. I am friends with a ton of pretty stellar people, so, naturally, it makes sense that their friends also tend to be stellar people.
How do I meet such amazing individuals? And, why do they want to be part of my life? You have to be open, I suppose. I think open is definitely one way to describe me. I can think of many other more suitable words, but that would be getting off track.
I am always inspired after spending time with Chad...inspired and exhausted thinking about all of the things I know I am capable of accomplishing.
I feel like I could change Saginaw. Let me rephrase that: I feel like I have the energy, ideas, and could find the wherewithal to lead the team that would ultimately start the ball rolling towards a viable future for Saginaw. It makes me tired to think about it, and also extremely excited, because I know how much work it will take to get and keep things moving forward.
I feel like I could eventually be president of the national organization American Alliance for Theatre and Education. I know what direction I would take the conference, and the organization as a whole.
I feel like I could make connections and take SASA Theatre to a level it has never seen before. I have come to enjoy teaching a great deal.
I feel like I could start my own performing arts center.
I feel like I could audition and make it into a reputable Masters program, maybe even one overseas.
I feel like health, wellness, and motivation could become more than just a lifestyle, but an actual career path.
How do you know which dream to follow? Becoming a better teacher is where I chose to focus my energy this year, and I am so pleased to see the result. I am happy. I am never happy for long just plugging into one thing, though. However, it seems to work well to be able to focus your energy into one area. Teaching theatre is so broad. There are so many elements involved. Simply establishing, organizing, and maintaining spaces for costumes, props, lumber, tools, sound equipment, etc. is a daunting and ongoing task in and of itself, and makes up roughly 5% of my job.
Recently, my social life has become a priority. I am surprised to see what direction that has taken me so quickly. I am happy to say things are moving along nicely. However, it takes up some time I could be spending on the aforementioned dreams. Now that I am sitting here thinking about all of the things I want to do, I can’t help but wonder if the social life thing is really all that important. Was it just a phase and now it’s time to get back to work? Is there a way to balance both? Where does family time fit in with all of this? Seems what I am really after is some semblance of balance. But I want to see, and do, and know everything!
Every time I go to Lansing, or Grand Rapids, or Detroit, I feel called to take action in my own community and start making things happen. Every time I see a great performance, or begin brainstorming with the performing arts teachers, I feel inspired to work collaboratively and make things happen for my students and my school. Every time I workshop a monologue, or read a great script with an abstruse and/or esoteric character, I feel that pull (that seems to come from somewhere within my bones) to sink my teeth into that role and act again. Every time I am driving home from an amazing weekend with new or old friends, I am reminded how important it is to take breaks, invest in others, and enjoy those moments. Every time I am with my family I am reminded how much I love them, and how important they really are to me. I hate that my family just gets my leftover time and energy sometimes. They deserve more. Every time I go to church I am reminded what it’s really all about, and it makes me want to get more involved with a small group, or volunteering with the youth, or to consider the mission field, or work on a couple of service projects.
No matter where I happen to be, I always want to go all in. You can’t go all in on one thing...it’s impossible. If you tell me something is impossible, though, I will go to extreme lengths to show myself the fallacy of the statement.
Go big or go home, right? Or is there something in between that is just as divine?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The White Rabbit Was Right
My whole life I have always been late. Late bloomer, late for appointments, even late to mature...socially. Just....late.
With God, however, timing is everything. It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time.
I am not late. I am right where God wants me to be. Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I would live to see 30. Maybe I’m just late on that one, too.
I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time. When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever. He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.” I wish I could say I haven’t been late since. I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.
Distractions annoy me. (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:) Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you. I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be. If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me. I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation. Gross. Go, be happy doing what you want to do. I want you to be happy. So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy. I know how to be happy all by myself. I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too.
I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people. Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along. I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up. I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began. I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment. That gets tiring after a while. Plus, it doesn’t make you happy. You can never be quite fully satisfied that way. I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard. I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be. Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me. Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly. I’m not sure. All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening. I am fully present. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is joy.
With God, however, timing is everything. It’s all happening just as it should, in it’s own time.
I am not late. I am right where God wants me to be. Or, maybe, I am not where God wants me to be, but He’s going to use me in this time, in this place, in spite of my eternal tardiness. You want to hear something strange? I never thought I would live to see 30. Maybe I’m just late on that one, too.
I once was late for an appointment with a friend, who was my boss at the time. When I arrived exasperated and huffing and puffing to show him I “sure tried real hard to hurry” but was late anyway, he said something really interesting that stuck with me forever. He simply said, “You know, when you’re late, Colleen, it makes the person waiting feel like you felt there was something more important than them.” I wish I could say I haven’t been late since. I can say however, that I am usually the person left waiting now, and I always repeat the quote to the latecomer who is often huffing and puffing and making excuses when they arrive.
Distractions annoy me. (Funny statement to write, as it has absolutely nothing to do with the previous paragraph...see...annoying:) Distractions can be annoying...especially if it’s somebody on their phone or computer while they are hanging out with you. I think being on your phone, texting, or being on your computer makes the people you’re with feel like there is someplace else you would rather be. If there is someplace else you would rather be, my friends all know, I would rather you be there than feeling like you’re stuck with me. I never want anyone to talk to me or hang out with me out of a sense of obligation. Gross. Go, be happy doing what you want to do. I want you to be happy. So, you are not doing me any favors by hanging out with me or talking to me trying to make me happy. I know how to be happy all by myself. I want you to know how to be happy all by yourself, too.
I used to be distracted all the time when I would hang out with other people. Back then it wasn’t so much about phones or laptops...you were lucky if you knew a handful of people who owned them, but more about waiting for something better to come along. I would always keep myself open in case something more engaging cropped up. I think that’s where my affinity towards a lack of making plans began. I realized I was never fully engaged in any one moment. That gets tiring after a while. Plus, it doesn’t make you happy. You can never be quite fully satisfied that way. I’m not sure when things changed for me in this regard. I think it might have been accidentally letting go of a little of the control and realizing how enjoyable that could be. Maybe it was some significant event (although not quite significant enough to recall at the moment) that made me desire to live in the moment and cherish the people close to me in that time, in that place. Whatever it was, I’m grateful for it. I now fully engage in almost every moment I’m in, especially if it involves people who are dear to me; and I have a lot of amazing people who are very dear to me. Perhaps this appreciation came when I stopped being able to see my friends and family so regularly. I’m not sure. All I know is I find joy now in every moment, and appreciate exactly where I am, and who I am with, as it is happening. I am fully present. I think that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is joy.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Water Night
Water Night by Eric Whitacre
Night with the eyes of a horse that trembles in the night,
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.
And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:
Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.
Night with eyes of water in the field asleep
Is in your eyes, a horse that trembles is in
Your eyes of secret water.
Eyes of shadow-water,
Eyes of well-water,
Eyes of dream-water.
Silence and solitude,
Two little animals moon-led,
Drink in your eyes,
Drink in those waters.
If you open your eyes, night opens doors of musk,
The secret kingdom of the water opens
Flowing from the center of the night.
And if you close your eyes,
A river, a silent and beautiful current, fills you from within,
Flows forward, darkens you:
Night brings its wetness to beaches in your soul.
Original poem by Octavio Paz
AGUA NOCTURNA
La noche de ojos de caballo que tiemblan en la noche,
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.
Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.
El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guía la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.
Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.
Y si los cierras,
un río, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.
la noche de ojos de agua en el campo dormido,
está en tus ojos de caballo que tiembla,
está en tus ojos de agua secreta.
Ojos de agua de sombra,
ojos de agua de pozo,
ojos de agua de sueño.
El silencio y la soledad,
como dos pequeños animales a quienes guía la luna,
beben en esos ojos,
beben en esas aguas.
Si abres los ojos,
se abre la noche de puertas de musgo,
se abre el reino secreto del agua
que mana del centro de la noche.
Y si los cierras,
un río, una corriente dulce y silenciosa,
te inunda por dentro, avanza, te hace oscura:
la noche moja riberas en tu alma.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
The List
Buy a real bed (complete with a headboard...and a real mattress, and grown up bedding, and real bedroom furniture....put elements of design to work and make a "big girl" bedroom...with curtains...and stuff on the walls... :) (September 2011)
At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)
Tigers Game (August 2011)
Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)
At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)
Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)
2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)
Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)
Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes! (September 2011)
Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)
Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)
Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)
Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)
Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)
Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)
Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried. Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike. (August 2012)
Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)
Braces! (January 2012)
Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)
Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)
Run in a 5K (June 2012)
Learn basic Italian (August 2013)
Take drum lessons (May 2012)
Red Wings Game (April 2012)
Read three novels (October 2011)
Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)
Donate the Jeep :( (October 2011)
At least 3 weeks in Italy (September 2016)
Tigers Game (August 2011)
Audition and be in another show or play a character in a public performance (September 2012)
At least three weeks service work in Africa (August 2014)
Lions Playoff Game (January 2012)
2 Big Venue Concerts (September 2012)
Begin a portfolio complete with work from the last five years (August 2011)
Minimize all the basement crap into 3 tubs...yikes! (September 2011)
Finally pick a school and begin a certification program, including a schedule for all necessary classes, and an expected completion date...make a plan! (September 2011)
Hire a cleaning lady (October 2011)
Go camping for more than one night! (August 2011)
Pick shows for the next two years, sketch a basic set design and concept for each. (September 2011)
Organize spaces at school (storage, costumes, props, paint corner, backstage, stage manager area, gels/gobos, both light/sound booths, put in work order for storage of cords, mics, lights, etc., open and put away all new lighting and sound equipment) (June 2011)
Memorize and workshop 3 contrasting monologues (September 2011)
Write dad a final letter, offering forgiveness, for everything...one last correspondence with him to get directions for the hike to the lily pond where grandpa's buried. Rent a motorcycle, ride out to Colorado, and make that hike. (August 2012)
Pay off all debts excluding student loans (September 2012)
Braces! (January 2012)
Plan a real vacation, out of state, in advance, with no possibility of cancellation (June 2013)
Start the Adventure Club (October 2011)
Run in a 5K (June 2012)
Learn basic Italian (August 2013)
Take drum lessons (May 2012)
Red Wings Game (April 2012)
Read three novels (October 2011)
Learn to cook one signature dish and totally rock at it (December 2011)
Donate the Jeep :( (October 2011)
Friday, April 22, 2011
Sometimes I re-read...sometimes I re-post
Originally posted Monday, September 10, 2007:
Everything is Ephemeral
i sit
my legs curled under me
bare feet cool on a barely-lit stage
light pools splash across my back spilling onto the empty chairs
cross-legged on the apron of the bare bones stage peering out into the crowdless space suddenly i begin to see them take shape
the subtext of their existence playing out across my heart as they search for the perfect seat and wait for the story to unfold
the elderly couple walk down the aisle hand in hand
they select a seat in the front row so she will be able to hear and see everything more clearly her eyes light up as the song and dance commence
he lightly reaches for her hand hoping to take part in her adventure
the mom and dad file into the fifth row just left of center
mom hides her camera from the usher while dad sits wishing he were golfing
their little angel floats across the stage
suddenly both come to life exchanging prideful smiles of a shared success
the college freshman saunters in remembering to remove his ballcap and turn off his phone he chooses a seat near the wall in the back
as the curtain rises for Act II he leans his head back, closes his eyes, and falls asleep
she walks in dressed in her theatre best and chooses a seat towards the front
as she waits for the play to begin she glances longingly at the seat to her left
her husband would always sit to her left and take her to a late dinner after the show
the characters come out onto the stage as her tears silently fall onto the program in her lap
a society man ushers the tall blonde to his reserved seats in the third row
he shakes the hand of the playhouse owner and introduces his fair maiden
they then sit and chatter lightly waiting for the play to begin
smiling warmly at each other when the lights dim each knowing the relationship is as ephemeral as the show they are about to see
he walks in with his head down as people stare menacingly at his mohawk and chains
he slides into the aisle seat towards the back wondering why he came
she steps out onto the stage and begins to sing
mesmerized, he is transfixed on her beauty and is sure she is singing only to him
she walks in with a book in her hand stopping at the door and scanning the room
she notices the boy with the mohawk sitting near the back
she quietly slips into the seat across the aisle and opens her book
watching him watching her becomes too unbearable and she quietly slips out the door
the two girls walk in talking loudly to each other as they make their way to the front
sitting near the wall in the front row they giggle and tease tossing their hair and scanning the room as they pretend to listen to one another
they stand and scream and hug their friends as they arrive hoping to get their fifteen minutes before the actors take the stage
the old man takes his seat in the third row near the wall on the left
he sits quietly reading the program, adjusting his spectacles as he scans the pages he is reminded of a painting he has hanging in his parlor above the mantel
the lights dim as he sets down the program and awaits the magic on stage
he is home
my thoughts are interrupted by footsteps behind me
"it's time to go", he says "it's quite late."
as we turn out the lights and begin to walk out, i look back and see them sitting, waiting for someone to carry them to a place they would rather be
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Covered With Scars I Did Nothing To Earn....
A student of mine just directed "The Last Five Years" at SASA. The show breaks my heart, but it's also really good....kind of like "The Notebook"...haha....the play takes you on a journey through five years of a relationship, marriage, and eventual breakup of a couple...the interesting part is, the girl starts at the end of the journey and works back, and the guy starts where they met and works forward...they eventually meet in the middle, and then continue on their individual paths towards the inevitable good-bye...him saying good-bye for good, and her saying good-bye after their first date....augh...their is a hole in my chest just thinking about it again...
I've never had something like this happen to me, what happens to this couple...not in a romantic sense, anyway...not to this extreme...but something about this rings so true to me, to everyone, I imagine...it's one of those shows where we all take ownership in some way...I think it's my biggest fear staring me in the face...that's why I stayed away from dating for so long...it was just...easier....but I don't want to run anymore...I face my fears every day, I'm known for it...so I must face this one, too....only those who dare to risk can really and truly make peace with themselves, I think....
I've never had something like this happen to me, what happens to this couple...not in a romantic sense, anyway...not to this extreme...but something about this rings so true to me, to everyone, I imagine...it's one of those shows where we all take ownership in some way...I think it's my biggest fear staring me in the face...that's why I stayed away from dating for so long...it was just...easier....but I don't want to run anymore...I face my fears every day, I'm known for it...so I must face this one, too....only those who dare to risk can really and truly make peace with themselves, I think....
This is the opening number of the play. Something about it haunts me, and I'm not entirely sure what it is....maybe if I share it with you...it will stop haunting me...
CATHERINE
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you
Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you
Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Band of Brotherhoood
I have been lying awake in my bed for almost two hours. I find myself in such a state of peace, however, being awake does not bother me. Sometimes these very early mornings are the best part of my day; sitting in the dark, letting my mind have free reign. Sometimes.
I woke up from a dream, a good dream. I was in a cathedral, singing in a choir. We were not singing words, just...sounds. It was a very large, immaculate cathedral, but one I have never seen before. I was looking in on myself, from a vantage point somewhere along the wall of the cathedral, circling overhead and then resting where I stood as soon as the choir hit a note that transcends anything I've ever heard. The overtone was breathtaking, and suddenly I was looking out of my own eyes again. I woke up. The note keeps ringing in my head, but not in an intrusive way. I'm grateful for it. I am at peace.
In light of very recent events, it seems peace should be the farthest thing from what I feel. (After another twelve hour day of working hard, you come home and jump online only to find your own job posted, but you were never told about it; and when your heart is at war with your mind, but you can't seem to figure out which one is giving what argument, it all can begin to unravel.) Those that know me, know that I can hold my own in a choir (after months of practice, gallons of tea, and some strict vocal coaching, of course;), but I am certainly not a singer. In the dream, however, the voice just came...it was so...easy...as if it were not even coming from me, but through me. The peace, I know, does not come from me either, and it materializes just as easy.
It was a different time, in my dream. It wasn't this time, this place. The congregation was not there for a church service, it was something else. It wasn't sad, though. There was a group of young soldiers sitting in the front. Their uniforms looked older. I can't quite place the time, but if I had to guess, they looked like soldiers who would have fought in World War II, maybe. While I was singing, I wanted to share my peace with them. I wanted them to be part of something beautiful. I know it all sounds so...not cliche'...but close. Sometimes the weight of people's loneliness, emptiness, and unhappiness makes me tired. This was not one of those moments, is not one of those moments. I want the world to know the peace that I feel. I do not feel the burden of responsibility that often overwhelms me, but instead, a calm that overtakes me. It is not my burden to bear.
No one emotion overtakes me, I am simply....halcyon. I do not feel the need to praise, to weep, to laugh, or to sleep. I am truly at peace.
Friday, April 08, 2011
Box Elder: Beerman
I notice when people are alone...at a restaurant, when they're driving, at the bar, the museum, the mall, anywhere. Sometimes I can make up entire stories about them without knowing a single thing about their lives. I frequently have to remind myself that the story is all in my head, and I do not really know what their life encompasses. Sometimes I forget to remind myself, and their often sad tale brings me to a melancholy state, until I can be coaxed back to mediocre jubilance once more.
I can be talked into anything. That's what a friend said about me recently, in an off-hand comment meant more for entertainment than deleterious effect. For being as stubborn as I am, I must concede that she was right, is right, even though everything inside of me wanted to dispute the claim. It's funny, oftentimes the very traits we rail against, or find unnerving in other people, are the traits we, ourselves, struggle to recognize and overcome. A different friend shared that little nugget of truth with me when I was complaining about someone unrelentingly eight years ago. I never forgot it, and think about it often. That same friend challenged me through an entire summer to stop apologizing, start working harder, continue being silly, and take time to figure it out. I hope he is happy in his life...it looks like he might be, and that makes me smile. He will never know how much his friendship meant to me at that very dark time in my life. He respected me, never wanted to be more than friends, never expected more out of me than I was willing or able to give, and showed me what a Godly man can look like in the flesh. I appreciate him more than he'll ever know.
There is a bug on my ceiling. I'm not sure I can continue typing until I take care of it. I type a few words, look up to make sure it's still there (and hasn't somehow catapulted itself into my mess of a mane), and then continue typing when I am convinced it is much happier tooling around the ceiling than to be bothered by the likes of me. This process will no doubt repeat itself until I am able to reach out and, yes, kill this bug. Normally, I would be obliged to simply set it free in the natural world, but not these bugs. You see, these bugs are relentless. My room has been taken over by these crazy boxelder bugs from a tree just outside my window. I cannot believe I'm readily admitting this, but there is plastic on my windows, and on the other side, it looks like my room is straight out of Amityville Horror. Gross. I know. Trust me, if I am unable to fix this Amityville encroachment on my living quarters, I am considering moving into my Jeep. :) Alas, this battle will end, and I will eventually win.
I can feel myself starting to get sleepy; not sleepy as in I want to be asleep, but sleepy as in I might actually be able to close my eyes and drift off shortly. There is a rather tiny window for me when this opportunity arises. If I fight it to continue writing, I will have to start this process all over again, and probably get up for the day, instead of trying to drift off to sleep at eight in the morning. It's spring break, so I am allowed some liberty. This past week, insomnia has invaded once again, with a vengeance. It seems I have trailed a miserable distance from my routine. Yes. I said routine. It's amazing what establishing a routine can do for your overall well-being, sleep included. I have now seen and felt the benefits of it firsthand. For some reason, it is naturally in me to resist routine. I do not do it openly, but little by little I find I begin talking myself out of the routine. Generally, I have to then talk myself back into it. It's a horrible process which I hope to eradicate soon.
Currently talking myself into shutting down the computer and drifting off to sleep. Guess that means it's time to go....
I can be talked into anything. That's what a friend said about me recently, in an off-hand comment meant more for entertainment than deleterious effect. For being as stubborn as I am, I must concede that she was right, is right, even though everything inside of me wanted to dispute the claim. It's funny, oftentimes the very traits we rail against, or find unnerving in other people, are the traits we, ourselves, struggle to recognize and overcome. A different friend shared that little nugget of truth with me when I was complaining about someone unrelentingly eight years ago. I never forgot it, and think about it often. That same friend challenged me through an entire summer to stop apologizing, start working harder, continue being silly, and take time to figure it out. I hope he is happy in his life...it looks like he might be, and that makes me smile. He will never know how much his friendship meant to me at that very dark time in my life. He respected me, never wanted to be more than friends, never expected more out of me than I was willing or able to give, and showed me what a Godly man can look like in the flesh. I appreciate him more than he'll ever know.
There is a bug on my ceiling. I'm not sure I can continue typing until I take care of it. I type a few words, look up to make sure it's still there (and hasn't somehow catapulted itself into my mess of a mane), and then continue typing when I am convinced it is much happier tooling around the ceiling than to be bothered by the likes of me. This process will no doubt repeat itself until I am able to reach out and, yes, kill this bug. Normally, I would be obliged to simply set it free in the natural world, but not these bugs. You see, these bugs are relentless. My room has been taken over by these crazy boxelder bugs from a tree just outside my window. I cannot believe I'm readily admitting this, but there is plastic on my windows, and on the other side, it looks like my room is straight out of Amityville Horror. Gross. I know. Trust me, if I am unable to fix this Amityville encroachment on my living quarters, I am considering moving into my Jeep. :) Alas, this battle will end, and I will eventually win.
I can feel myself starting to get sleepy; not sleepy as in I want to be asleep, but sleepy as in I might actually be able to close my eyes and drift off shortly. There is a rather tiny window for me when this opportunity arises. If I fight it to continue writing, I will have to start this process all over again, and probably get up for the day, instead of trying to drift off to sleep at eight in the morning. It's spring break, so I am allowed some liberty. This past week, insomnia has invaded once again, with a vengeance. It seems I have trailed a miserable distance from my routine. Yes. I said routine. It's amazing what establishing a routine can do for your overall well-being, sleep included. I have now seen and felt the benefits of it firsthand. For some reason, it is naturally in me to resist routine. I do not do it openly, but little by little I find I begin talking myself out of the routine. Generally, I have to then talk myself back into it. It's a horrible process which I hope to eradicate soon.
Currently talking myself into shutting down the computer and drifting off to sleep. Guess that means it's time to go....
Friday, December 31, 2010
I Am That Girl
I just hopped on to add something to my blog, not sure what to write exactly, and found this draft that I had never actually published from back in April. It's actually exactly what I needed to hear on this New Year's Eve. It makes me a little sad to think that nothing has changed since I wrote this...that I still need to hear these words, my words, from so long ago. Perfect post for today. Happy New Year!
I forgot my computer cord at school, so I have 15 minutes to write before my computer goes dead. Good. I have a tendency to babble anyway, or take waaaay too long to write too few words.
I make excuses. I do some things that I find myself telling my students not to do. I don't do some of the things that I tell my students they need or should want to do. I tell them 'I can't make you do anything. I can't even make you want to do something. I can do my best, but I can't make you do yours. I can hold you accountable for your actions in my classroom, but if you do just enough to get by with a decent grade, or to fly under or just over the radar, I cannot push you one way or the other from there. Where you go from this moment forward is entirely up to you.' Maybe I should listen to myself every once in a while. Well, I do. Hence me writing this blog.
I make excuses about my time. I make excuses about my attitude. I make excuses about my physical health. Spending a lot of time recently in one of my least favorite places, the hospital, has made me more aware of just how lucky I am to have this able body and sound mind. I watched a man, a grown man, cry out to nurses because he was confused, and scared, and he just wanted to be able to walk to the bathroom himself.
Nobody can make me appreciate it. Nobody can make me, or talk me into, utilizing both of those things to their fullest potential. Nobody is going to hand me the answers, or make life better for me. The worst thing I can do is nothing.
I have a body that is capable of going the distance. I have a mind that can create, imagine, draw conclusions, analyze, and problem solve. I have strength. I have knowledge. I have compassion and willpower. I have people who love me, and I have people to love. There is always somebody who needs me. There are so many people who need somebody. I have a God who has promised me that He will never leave, and I believe Him. I have faith. What I do with all of those things is entirely up to me.
I have an amazing job. I do not believe it is what I am meant to do forever, but I do know it is where I am now. Instead of agonizing over where I should be, what I should be doing, what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, I will be present...here. If I can't, or won't, do everything with what I've got, why in the world should I expect anything more? The conferences with parents and students tonight showed me why I am here. Some of these kids are at a critical point...a turning point where a decision will be made what direction they go from here. It is in their hands, it is up to them, and there is no way to rise up from here and be successful unless they work. How can I ask them to do it, how can I teach them to do it, how can I show them how to do it if I don't do it? I work hard. I work too hard at some things, and not hard enough on a lot of the important things. I want these children to be successful. I want these kids to believe that they can be successful. If I keep looking so hard at myself I am going to begin to lose sight of everyone else. Little opportunities come up every day to bless a ton of people. Nobody can make me do it. Nobody can make me want to do it, and there is no way for me to rise up from here unless I work.
I forgot my computer cord at school, so I have 15 minutes to write before my computer goes dead. Good. I have a tendency to babble anyway, or take waaaay too long to write too few words.
I make excuses. I do some things that I find myself telling my students not to do. I don't do some of the things that I tell my students they need or should want to do. I tell them 'I can't make you do anything. I can't even make you want to do something. I can do my best, but I can't make you do yours. I can hold you accountable for your actions in my classroom, but if you do just enough to get by with a decent grade, or to fly under or just over the radar, I cannot push you one way or the other from there. Where you go from this moment forward is entirely up to you.' Maybe I should listen to myself every once in a while. Well, I do. Hence me writing this blog.
I make excuses about my time. I make excuses about my attitude. I make excuses about my physical health. Spending a lot of time recently in one of my least favorite places, the hospital, has made me more aware of just how lucky I am to have this able body and sound mind. I watched a man, a grown man, cry out to nurses because he was confused, and scared, and he just wanted to be able to walk to the bathroom himself.
Nobody can make me appreciate it. Nobody can make me, or talk me into, utilizing both of those things to their fullest potential. Nobody is going to hand me the answers, or make life better for me. The worst thing I can do is nothing.
I have a body that is capable of going the distance. I have a mind that can create, imagine, draw conclusions, analyze, and problem solve. I have strength. I have knowledge. I have compassion and willpower. I have people who love me, and I have people to love. There is always somebody who needs me. There are so many people who need somebody. I have a God who has promised me that He will never leave, and I believe Him. I have faith. What I do with all of those things is entirely up to me.
I have an amazing job. I do not believe it is what I am meant to do forever, but I do know it is where I am now. Instead of agonizing over where I should be, what I should be doing, what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, I will be present...here. If I can't, or won't, do everything with what I've got, why in the world should I expect anything more? The conferences with parents and students tonight showed me why I am here. Some of these kids are at a critical point...a turning point where a decision will be made what direction they go from here. It is in their hands, it is up to them, and there is no way to rise up from here and be successful unless they work. How can I ask them to do it, how can I teach them to do it, how can I show them how to do it if I don't do it? I work hard. I work too hard at some things, and not hard enough on a lot of the important things. I want these children to be successful. I want these kids to believe that they can be successful. If I keep looking so hard at myself I am going to begin to lose sight of everyone else. Little opportunities come up every day to bless a ton of people. Nobody can make me do it. Nobody can make me want to do it, and there is no way for me to rise up from here unless I work.
Monday, September 13, 2010
WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE, VIENNA WAITS FOR YOU.
I am standing in my kitchen chopping fruit and veggies (not together, of course), and listening to select Billy Joel tunes on vinyl. As “Vienna”, “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant”, “She’s Always A Woman”, and “Everybody Has A Dream” make their way to the kitchen, my mind finds a free moment to wander. It’s nice, standing, chopping, listening, thinking. Hopefully, if my mind has permission to run free now, it will allow me to stay focused when I sit down to get some plans hashed out for the weeks ahead. My demeanor is calm, and my disposition is sunny. Consequently, I hope the tupperware filled with various fruit and veggies is the beginning of a trail of good choices for the week.
So far so good with the new goals...or, actually establishing tangible goals. I am succeeding in going against what I want to do and trying new things that I probably need to do to remain successful both in my personal and professional life. I like how I list those two things as if they are separate....but they need to be, to some extent, in order to truly feel fulfilled....for me, at least. You would think it is simply a case of mind over matter, but for me, it seems to be more a case of matter over mind...get up and do it before you have time to think it over. It is not a matter of what I feel like doing, but more a matter of what I want to feel like, and doing the things that I know will get me there.
Some thoughts that crossed my mind in the 40 minutes of washing, chopping, and distributing:
~I have never been in love. It didn’t make me sad to think of this thought. It was truth and I like truth, no matter how painful, or trivial, or comforting it may seem at first. I think falling in love is something you have to do on purpose, and I am not so sure that I have opened myself up to even allow the possibility. It’s okay with me, for now. I can’t help but wonder if I will hold out so long that my heart will eventually take over at the worst time and I will be left to wander, searching for something I think I have missed. So, I will be open. I will not prioritize it as of yet, but I will be open, even if it is just to save myself from what I would misconstrue as breaking free.
~”Everybody Has A Dream” sounds like Mike Brush singing, and sounds like the kind of song he would write. A duet with Mike Brush and Billy Joel would be awesome.
~I need moments like this, chopping, listening, thinking. There is always something to accomplish or finish. In order to not become completely unhinged and need more than a few days to be alone and regroup, I need to stop, breathe, and listen. I have found a secret today. I can accomplish something even during those little breaks. Preparing something that can only serve to help me through the week has also served to help me unwind. It seems simple, but I am just figuring it out. Perhaps something like this would not have served me the same purpose at a different season of my life. Perhaps it would have. I can’t even guess, so regret is useless in this regard. I am who I am, I did what I did, it is what it is....if you can’t change it, why give it any more time or thought? Learn your lessons and move on. If you keep repeating negative behavior after you have come to certain conclusions about them, then there is obviously something deeper going on. I certainly hope people are not afraid to dig deep. I realize I need it to continue growing. Moments like these allow me to grow. I consider them crucial now.
~Before I started chopping, I read snippets of “The Vertical Hour”, a script by David Hare. I desire to read through it entirely, and sit down with it for some time. At first, I was afraid I was wasting time when reading scripts, or anything, for personal fulfillment. I mean, I have scripts to find that can actually be used in the classroom or for a high school play, lessons to prepare, grades to put in, a set to build, technical theatre to learn, blocking to figure out, copies to make, e-mails to read and answer, supplies to organize and put away, things to reconfigure, etc. So many times as teachers I think we forget to keep learning, for us...our benefit. We’re so busy teaching, we forget to keep pursuing our own personal goals that have nothing to do with our career. It was easy for me to say I was growing because everything I teach has something to do with something I love, theatre. Instead, I should see it as, if I am personally progressing my own journey through theatre, it could only benefit my students. The two become muddy because the content of study is sometimes the same. I should find moments to memorize and workshop monologues, for me. I should get physically fit, and adopt a healthier lifestyle, for me. I should understand my limitations and not compromise that boundary, ever, for me. If I do these things, it will naturally benefit the students I see every day. I cannot choose to do those things for that reason, though, it must be for me. That is the only way it will truly be fulfilling and make a difference. It is muddy. Sometimes I will just have to sit down and do something, defining it specifically as something for personal fulfillment. I wouldn’t have to do that with every single thing, of course...I can still play in the mud.
Many other thoughts flowed through my mind as I stood in my kitchen. My mind segues from one thought to another in such a strange chain of events and string of thoughts. These were the big realizations that actually ended with some sort of conclusion or almost made it through the entire thought process.
I am going for a walk on this beautiful evening, before I have time to realize I would really love to just sit on this couch and zone out to the TV instead until I look up and see a few hours have gone by, resulting in nothing, piggy backed by guilt. I’m sure the walk will change my perspective, and I will have an entire new flow of thought by the end...maybe even about the previously mentioned ideas. Hopefully, I have allowed my mind to wander freely enough to gain focus when I need it tonight, working towards how I want to feel....free, open, accomplished, focused, energetic and relaxed. Here’s hoping I do not continue to do the same things over and over expecting a different result....here’s to change....even if it’s one thing, or just one thing at a time.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Movies that just may ruin my life........
When Harry Met Sally....Pride & Prejudice....Bridges of Madison County....Roman Holiday....Dirty Dancing..............................the list goes on I'm sure, but I've already grown tired of this game.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Everyone Needs a Pal
Soooo....I have been wanting to write again....a lot. Yet, I do not write. It's cool. I will. Maybe not online...but I will write. I feel like I'm finally getting myself back a little bit. It only took a month of no school. Well, I've been going into the school and working, but on my schedule, not on school time. Well...I know that I have allowed myself to get way out of shape...physically, mentally, spiritually, socially....and I am just now starting to reclaim all of that again. In hopes of reaching out for the first time to get help getting into shape, a friend led me to myfitnesspal.com, and so far it has been a great resource for me :) I highly recommend it.
Here is an excerpt from my opening blog, introducing myself as a new member:
So, I'm new to this fitness pal thing, but I'm not new to the struggle of staying in shape. I began work as a teacher in August and ended up working 70-80 hours a week. Fast food and soda became my comfort, as well as my source of sustenance...bleh. I turned 30 and my body totally freaked out. I have lost all my core strength, and done something I told myself I would never do (started buying clothes *gulp* in a bigger size). I have seen a few family members and friends get sick recently, and begin to battle with old age. I realize how lucky I am to have a body that is able and a mind that is sound (for the most part;). I have a great relationship with God and want to honor that relationship by taking care of this body he has blessed me with....even though it doesn't feel like a blessing right now. I want to be an example for my students, as well as my family and friends. I want to find changes that are lasting, and changes that help me to be true to the person God created me to be. I saw this in a book recently: A woman loved how happy, carefree, and confident her aunt seemed to be, even as a single 'old maid' as everyone called her. After her aunt's passing, the woman found a diary where her aunt shared how she remained so carefree. She said every day she makes sure that she 1. Does something for someone else 2. Does something for herself 3. Does something that needs to be done but she doesn't want to do 4. Does a mental exercise 5. Does a physical exercise 6. Says an original prayer that includes counting her blessings.
I plan on following this and seeing where it takes me.
I know this is going to take more discipline and patience than I would care to have to exude. However, I am a 'Go Big or Go Home' all-or-nothing kind of person. I have just been going big on the cheeseburgers and lazy Saturdays. Now it's time to go BIG on these 6 new expectations mapped out for me :) Wish me luck!!!!
Here is an excerpt from my opening blog, introducing myself as a new member:
So, I'm new to this fitness pal thing, but I'm not new to the struggle of staying in shape. I began work as a teacher in August and ended up working 70-80 hours a week. Fast food and soda became my comfort, as well as my source of sustenance...bleh. I turned 30 and my body totally freaked out. I have lost all my core strength, and done something I told myself I would never do (started buying clothes *gulp* in a bigger size). I have seen a few family members and friends get sick recently, and begin to battle with old age. I realize how lucky I am to have a body that is able and a mind that is sound (for the most part;). I have a great relationship with God and want to honor that relationship by taking care of this body he has blessed me with....even though it doesn't feel like a blessing right now. I want to be an example for my students, as well as my family and friends. I want to find changes that are lasting, and changes that help me to be true to the person God created me to be. I saw this in a book recently: A woman loved how happy, carefree, and confident her aunt seemed to be, even as a single 'old maid' as everyone called her. After her aunt's passing, the woman found a diary where her aunt shared how she remained so carefree. She said every day she makes sure that she 1. Does something for someone else 2. Does something for herself 3. Does something that needs to be done but she doesn't want to do 4. Does a mental exercise 5. Does a physical exercise 6. Says an original prayer that includes counting her blessings.
I plan on following this and seeing where it takes me.
I know this is going to take more discipline and patience than I would care to have to exude. However, I am a 'Go Big or Go Home' all-or-nothing kind of person. I have just been going big on the cheeseburgers and lazy Saturdays. Now it's time to go BIG on these 6 new expectations mapped out for me :) Wish me luck!!!!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Destination Affirmation
We'd like to think we don't need it...but when it comes...maybe we should take it. I take the grief, the constructive criticism, and sometimes tend to be my biggest critic. If I'm going to take ownership on those things...then it is also my responsibility to take in these moments, right? Well...if I have to... :)
Excerpt from a senior profile:
"I am very proud of what I have achieved here at Saginaw Arts and Sciences Academy. I am thankful for people like Mrs. Nash, Mrs. Gutierrez, and especially Ms. Cartwright for pushing me toward a better future. Ms. Cartwright has shown me a whole new world with brighter surroundings and happier endings. (I'm getting a lump in my throat right now.) I will always cherish my memories I have here at SASA."
Well...that's makes two of us...with a lump in our throat...
Excerpt from a senior profile:
"I am very proud of what I have achieved here at Saginaw Arts and Sciences Academy. I am thankful for people like Mrs. Nash, Mrs. Gutierrez, and especially Ms. Cartwright for pushing me toward a better future. Ms. Cartwright has shown me a whole new world with brighter surroundings and happier endings. (I'm getting a lump in my throat right now.) I will always cherish my memories I have here at SASA."
Well...that's makes two of us...with a lump in our throat...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Pillars of Salat
I can feel the people around me relying on me to be a pillar of strength. I accept the task and do not take it lightly. God is caring for me so I can care for others. I know I do not need to be more than what I am able. Problem is, I am one to test limits, especially my own. I know that with Him all things are possible. If I am meant to be a pillar of strength, God will make it possible. I just need to keep coming to Him.
Right now, though, in this minute, I feel like a pillar of moldy mashed potatoes.
If He can turn water into wine, surely He can give me strength to get through another day.
God is good.
Right now, though, in this minute, I feel like a pillar of moldy mashed potatoes.
If He can turn water into wine, surely He can give me strength to get through another day.
God is good.
Constant lies
I have been wanting to write for some time. I never seem to have enough energy left to do it. I do not have energy now, but I don't know what else to do. I am sitting in the hospital room of my uncle...ahhh room 306. I shall remember this room forever, I think.
He is restless tonight. Lord, give him peace. Let him sleep. I watch him sleep and it frightens me and calms me. I can't tell if I am scared, worried, detached, or worse.....I might have too much of an understanding of what exactly is taking place. I recognize that in this bed lies the one constant male figure in my life.
I am too tired to continue writing. I can't sleep, but I can't really do anything else either. So, I sit.
He is restless tonight. Lord, give him peace. Let him sleep. I watch him sleep and it frightens me and calms me. I can't tell if I am scared, worried, detached, or worse.....I might have too much of an understanding of what exactly is taking place. I recognize that in this bed lies the one constant male figure in my life.
I am too tired to continue writing. I can't sleep, but I can't really do anything else either. So, I sit.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
this love, this hate
Hollywood Undead - This Love, This Hate
You know what I love and hate about theatre?
You can never be fully in control of it. Whether you are an actor, director, whatever, someone else will dictate part of the show. Everybody wants to be in control, but nobody can do it alone. As an actor you need to succumb to the director's vision, and as a director you realize the actor's will only do what they choose to do, and can never really fully do what you see. As a lighting designer, set builder, stage manager, producer, costume designer, whatever, you are never fully in control. The audience always has some power in this, too. What a strange equation. It's fascinating.
You know what I love and hate about theatre?
You can never be fully in control of it. Whether you are an actor, director, whatever, someone else will dictate part of the show. Everybody wants to be in control, but nobody can do it alone. As an actor you need to succumb to the director's vision, and as a director you realize the actor's will only do what they choose to do, and can never really fully do what you see. As a lighting designer, set builder, stage manager, producer, costume designer, whatever, you are never fully in control. The audience always has some power in this, too. What a strange equation. It's fascinating.
I would like some chocolate....
and a glass of wine....and maybe a secret admirer.
So...my doctor gave me a prescription a few days ago...and I have found myself sitting down and watching three entire hallmark movies, at midnight, 3 in the morning, 9 am on a Saturday...enraptured...ever since.
I think my doctor and I need to have a talk.
So...my doctor gave me a prescription a few days ago...and I have found myself sitting down and watching three entire hallmark movies, at midnight, 3 in the morning, 9 am on a Saturday...enraptured...ever since.
I think my doctor and I need to have a talk.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
More than anything....
I desire to be good. More than being loved, appreciated, successful, healthy, or fortunate...I desire to be good. Some people who know me quite well might find humor in this desire of mine simply because I have been known to be a bit of a rule bender...or demolisher, as the case may be. I'm not really sure why I am that way, to be honest. It feels like it comes from somewhere deep, and happens before I have time to really think a situation through. I know that our flesh does not always give room for choosing to be good all the time. I do not desire to use that as an excuse as to why I am not always good. I can't help but feel that God can use these tendencies I have to rebel, ask questions, and fight for the greater good for His purpose. Is there a greater good? Is there something bigger than just being good? Living a life of excellence sounds better than being good. Being good makes me think of someone who always follows the rules. What if the rules suck? What if the rules tell you to do something that inside of you says is actually not good at all? What if striving for excellence calls you to face the majority head on and say 'there must be a different answer'?
I do not desire to behave, but I do desire to be good.
I do not desire to behave, but I do desire to be good.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I heart...
I love that time of night or morning, when half the people have their headlights on and half do not....
I love when I drive past a store and they are obviously closed, and all is dark, except for the open sign in the window, which was left on and burning bright.
I love God's grace...but I love His mercy even more.
I love gas stations that still have a full service pump. I don't use the full service pump, but I love them.
I love to dance.
I love when I have told my class that we are in silent mode, somebody sneezes, and at least half the class takes the opportunity to say "bless you" at different intervals. I give them all a look, but inside I'm smiling.
I love dropping into my bed, exhausted, after a full day of service, a long day of getting things done, or hard, physical, labor, or a great performance.
I love it when an actress goes up to announce nominees and winners at an awards show, and you know everyone is relieved that they are looking at the worst dressed for the evening.
I love running yellow lights, especially when it turns red when I am only halfway through. (Terrible!)
I love making funny faces.
I love Helen Mirren, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Carol Burnette, Gilda Radner, Susan Sarandon, Cate Blanchett, Angela Lansbury, Betty White, Elaine Stritch, and Ethel Merman.
I love an empty stage...no audience, no actors, no lights...well, maybe a ghost light.
I love white Christmas lights.
I love when the sky turns a shocking color, like pink or maybe purple.
I love turning the key in the lock, opening the door, and seeing my kitchen, just the way I left it. I love coming home.
I love watching a student on stage, stopping them, giving feedback, getting up, watching them struggle through it, getting up again, trying something else, watching them try something new, cheering from the back, encouraging them to keep going, and watching that 'aha!' moment come to them, and seeing them get a reaction from the audience for the first time.
I love watermelon jolly ranchers.
I love when I don't get in my own way, and I actually have a really good time.
I love driving.
I love surprises.
I love reading autobiographies.
I love when I'm walking down the hall and I hear a little enthusiastic voice shout "Hi Miss Cartwright!" and turn to see an unfamiliar face smiling at me. I don't know them, but I know they know me, so I smile and say hello. It always makes my day.
I love a great pair of jeans, the perfect fitting t-shirt, a beautiful scarf, and a stellar pair of heels.
I love passion.
I love roller skating.
I love a traditional dinner: ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, green bean casserole, rolls w/butter, or spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, or eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast, or pizza, or chocolate cake, or pumpkin pie with whipped cream.
I love being enlightened...even if it means I have to admit I was wrong.
I love fashion magazines.
I love sunshine.
I love when I drive past a store and they are obviously closed, and all is dark, except for the open sign in the window, which was left on and burning bright.
I love God's grace...but I love His mercy even more.
I love gas stations that still have a full service pump. I don't use the full service pump, but I love them.
I love to dance.
I love when I have told my class that we are in silent mode, somebody sneezes, and at least half the class takes the opportunity to say "bless you" at different intervals. I give them all a look, but inside I'm smiling.
I love dropping into my bed, exhausted, after a full day of service, a long day of getting things done, or hard, physical, labor, or a great performance.
I love it when an actress goes up to announce nominees and winners at an awards show, and you know everyone is relieved that they are looking at the worst dressed for the evening.
I love running yellow lights, especially when it turns red when I am only halfway through. (Terrible!)
I love making funny faces.
I love Helen Mirren, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Carol Burnette, Gilda Radner, Susan Sarandon, Cate Blanchett, Angela Lansbury, Betty White, Elaine Stritch, and Ethel Merman.
I love an empty stage...no audience, no actors, no lights...well, maybe a ghost light.
I love white Christmas lights.
I love when the sky turns a shocking color, like pink or maybe purple.
I love turning the key in the lock, opening the door, and seeing my kitchen, just the way I left it. I love coming home.
I love watching a student on stage, stopping them, giving feedback, getting up, watching them struggle through it, getting up again, trying something else, watching them try something new, cheering from the back, encouraging them to keep going, and watching that 'aha!' moment come to them, and seeing them get a reaction from the audience for the first time.
I love watermelon jolly ranchers.
I love when I don't get in my own way, and I actually have a really good time.
I love driving.
I love surprises.
I love reading autobiographies.
I love when I'm walking down the hall and I hear a little enthusiastic voice shout "Hi Miss Cartwright!" and turn to see an unfamiliar face smiling at me. I don't know them, but I know they know me, so I smile and say hello. It always makes my day.
I love a great pair of jeans, the perfect fitting t-shirt, a beautiful scarf, and a stellar pair of heels.
I love passion.
I love roller skating.
I love a traditional dinner: ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, green bean casserole, rolls w/butter, or spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, or eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast, or pizza, or chocolate cake, or pumpkin pie with whipped cream.
I love being enlightened...even if it means I have to admit I was wrong.
I love fashion magazines.
I love sunshine.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
My name it means nothing; my fortune is less
It usually takes me one entire day spent all alone in my apartment to realize I was missing.
It usually takes one more entire day spent all alone in my apartment to get myself back.
This is day three.
I wish I had another....
"I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind” ~Albert Einstein
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. ~Henry David Thoreau
When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943
We live in a very tense society. We are pulled apart... and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together.... I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude. ~Helen Hayes
It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong
Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. ~Hans Margolius
True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. ~William Penn
No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength. ~Jack Kerouac
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