I haven’t written. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve wanted to write, but I haven’t written. I just finally yelled at myself in my mind after making another excuse, and said ‘just start typing, for pete’s sake’. Jeremiah is right. I need to stop being so hard on myself. If I’m going to make the decisions I am going to make, then I need to make them and get over it. I battle all day with myself in my own mind. It’s no wonder I don’t actually do much. I’m so warn out from fighting with myself, there’s not much left to do anything else. I put away the idea of the assemblies for a while, because in its place came an idea to own a boutique that sells a bunch of random crap made by me, and others. I would rent the window space as studio space, sell home beauty supplies (all organic), and maybe even some photography. I would also do the assemblies, etc., but would use the boutique as income (along with It Works!). The boutique idea kind of took over all my thinking. I even thought of using Anthony’s building as my space....haha. Thinking of it now, it all seems so ridiculous. Funny, how when I get these ideas they don’t seem ridiculous at all, until someone points out the obvious flaws in the plan. How do I not see them? Talking to Jeremiah last night, he even told me I need to let myself cry. He said I never let myself cry anymore. He’s right. And he’s wrong. I did cry, at the beginning of this whole losing my job thing. I was doing the dishes one day and then just broke down. I suppose it did only last a couple of minutes. That seems to be my new thing...the quick cry. It escapes from somewhere deep within my chest, and just as soon as it’s out, it’s gone. I took a bath tonight. I feel more calm, and a bit more emotional since my bath. Some clarity came along with it, too. What is it about a bath? I am snuggled in my bed, and actually warm for the first time today. I think that’s why I haven’t accomplished much in the past couple of days. I have been cold. When I am cold, I am usually no good for anything. Jeremiah told me to focus on the assemblies. Start writing the ‘script’, he said. He told me it’s a good idea. Why did I jump ship so fast? I think I’m actually afraid of it succeeding. I have always been more afraid of success than failure. I have always sabotaged an idea or never quite followed through, out of fear that I wouldn’t know what to do next...or fear that I would take it too far, or not far enough, or really screw it up. According to Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. That is so true. I haven’t taken so many shots. My family doesn’t really go big. I think my big sisters do, sometimes. My little sister and her husband just hiked the entire Appalachian Trail. The thing is, both of my sisters did extraordinary things because of their husbands. I don’t know that either of them would have done those things on their own, if I’m being completely honest. I don’t want to do something because there is someone else with me, but sometimes I think that’s exactly what I want. I want someone to take off some of this pressure. I’m not entirely sure where the pressure is coming from, though. I’m not sure I actually believe I can do this on my own. I want so badly for God to prove me wrong. I know, however, in order for Him to do that, it needs to be me that does the leg work to prove me wrong. How can that work? I don’t know what step to take, most of the time, so I take a bunch of lateral steps that get me nowhere. I search endlessly online, get sidetracked, bake an amazing cake so I feel like there is something tangible to show for my time, and watch ESPN all day, barely listening to anything they’re actually talking about. I’m not sure where this day went, and this is the third day in a row that has happened. There are obvious things that need or should be done, including cleaning my room, memorizing my lines, scrubbing the bathroom, laundry, working out, and organizing my finances...I somehow manage to avoid all of those things each day. I don’t even feel good about it. I think about those things numerous times throughout the day, as if that is punishment, or at least consolation, for not doing them. Not sure why I haven’t actually done them. Not sure why I keep thinking about them if I’m going to choose not to do them. Not sure why this battle continues all day every day. I wrote more than I thought. I think this is enough for today. Tomorrow I get to go to Ashley’s baby shower. I get to spend time with some great friends. I think I really need to get out and hang out with some friends. I have been spending way too much time with myself.
My mind keeps reeling. My tears are trapped in my chest. I feel like I could really make a difference...and not in a famous way, but in a big way, nonetheless. I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how to get there. I need to start asking questions...no matter how stupid it makes me look. The only way I’m going to find answers is if I start asking. I might as well go all the way to the top if I’m going to ask questions. People who are doing what I want to do, that’s who I need to ask. I can’t be afraid to at least try. I might end up looking really foolish, which I believe is always a big fear of mine (even though it doesn’t stop me from looking foolish more often than I would care to admit), but at least I’m going to try.
I find myself motivating people wherever I go. I caught myself doing it when I saw some friends in Detroit a few days ago. I was speaking with them and then it hit me, It’s like I can’t not do it. Even writing this journal along the way is in hopes that it will one day be published and help someone else out who wants to make their own way but doesn’t know where/how to begin. I just don’t know how to turn all this motivation into a viable career. I chose performing as my number one thing I like to do more than anything. Perhaps motivating others is the true answer. Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished the assignment Jer gave me. I’m supposed to narrow a list of 20 things I like to do down to one thing, and then write out why I like to do that one thing. I haven’t written why I like to do it. I need to finish that assignment. I think that could help me narrow down these choices by the end of September. I have allowed myself to brainstorm any and every idea during the month of September, with the idea that by September 30th, I will pick one and go for it with everything I have. I can feel myself narrowing things down, but also not quite ready to let go the idea of coming up with ideas. Haha. I need to go to sleep. I’m not entirely sure why I even started typing again.
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