~Wednesday August 7th~
I watch TV shows on Hulu sometimes....not very often, but sometimes. I think, when I get into a good series, that I watch because I learn something from it without having to do any of the heavy lifting. I learn from their mistakes, or stories, and I get to see what happens next without having to stage it myself, or make any choices....and usually, there is a happy ending, (or at least a group hug:).
I think books and movies have dictated so much of our perspective and our lives. We say we’re entering a ‘new chapter‘ or looking for our ‘happy ending’. We want those happy endings to happen in movies, plays, etc. because we want to know that those people we’ve been following, watching, are going to be okay. Really, though, I think we want to know that we are going to be okay.
Those who know me well know that sometimes I scoff or get annoyed at happy endings in movies (not all the time, sometimes I watch because of that happy ending). I am often teased about my affinity for raw, uncut movies that never quite wrap up.....but, that’s life, isn’t it? Now, I understand some people watch those movies to escape, but we don’t live life in chapters, or necessarily wrap everything up and get a nice, happy ending in life. How many people do you know who have passed away with no regrets, and have everything they could ever ask for, including lessons learned, and they are ready to go? I know there are those out there who know someone like that, and I count you lucky to have such an example of how life should be lived. Don’t get me wrong, I am a ‘live life to the fullest’ kind of girl. I am extremely positive, and........
Okay, so apparently my mind has already grown bored of this topic. I find myself staring out the window, onto the streets of Royal Oak, a rainy day, indeed. My mind has been wandering to other places for 20 minutes or so. I know the students at SASA are in Musical Theatre class right now, getting ready to wrap up the end of Day 2. I know it seems silly how much I talk about them, but I think about it even more often than I talk about it. I am also a ‘move on’ kind of person. I’m not entirely sure why I am struggling with this so much. I usually have no problem unplugging and moving onto the next adventure. Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose it. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing to move on to quite yet. Maybe it just meant a lot to me. It all just happened a month ago, and school just started yesterday. Maybe I should give myself a break....
Last night, the director of “The Crucible” asked me what I like/can relate to about my character [Elizabeth Proctor]? I answered right away that I like her strength. She holds her family together, and she stands up for herself when she feels her husband might not hold up on his end. However misguided at times, the one thing she holds onto is truth. I am always seeking the truth. We talked a bit further about it, and then the director said he noticed a common thread throughout the story: Elizabeth seems to be really hard on herself through the whole thing. I thought about it and realized he was right, even when she is speaking with John about the adultery, she is secretly blaming herself to some degree. I realize that is how I am, I think (not blaming myself for adultery, but actually kind of hard on myself). I don’t think that from my own perspective (people who are hard on themselves would blame it on their inevitable failure of life), but I have heard it enough from others to know that it might be true....
“Rollin‘ On A River” just came through my headphones, and I am now tapping my foot and smiling. I am listening to the Dance Concert playlist from 2010. Maybe that’s where the SASA thoughts came from. I usually don’t listen to music when I write, or when I’m on the computer, and now I remember why. I get too distracted depending on what song is playing. I jumped online to see that a couple more families have chosen me as a favorite as a possible au pair. (I just keep looking at these families, not really knowing what to do next in this process). There is a single dad in California who is looking for someone to help him with his teenagers two weeks a month, and then help him with his business (as a personal assistant) when the children are with their mom. Now I am distracted. The guy is really cute, of course. Dang it. That means I probably won’t look into it. I want to leave the country, anyway, if I go the au pair route, and the pay is too low to have any sort of life in California. I don’t need distractions. I need a job where I can stay focused on one thing, I think. No. Focusing on one thing would drive me crazy. Or maybe it would actually allow me to see something through, and then have energy on the side to pursue other hobbies, etc. I don’t know.
A family is interested in me in Oman (sadly, I didn’t even know where that was), it’s just east of Saudi Arabia, and south of Iran. I can't help but be curious as to why they want an American. That leads me to search for volunteer opportunities in Afghanistan for a half hour or so (it’s just how my mind works...I was curious, and have been since doing extensive research on Rachel Corrie). If I’m going to volunteer, you might as well put me on the front lines.
My time at the meter is almost up, so I need to move my Jeep shortly. I have not written about anything that originally inspired me to sit and drink a chai and power up my lap top. No surprise there, really. It seemed a really good direction, but now I can’t even remember what I intended to touch upon while standing in line for my tea.
A song that is all drums just came on...I love the drums. I desire to learn the drums, but it’s not something you can just pick up anywhere. I think I have decided to pick up the guitar instead. I’ll just learn right-handed. A guitar is even something I could take abroad, and it kind of fits my style. I’m not sure my fingers are cut out for guitar though. I know I am cut out for the drums. I’ve talked about the guitar before. I talk about a lot of things.
On my four block drive to my new destination, I already thought about five different things I wanted to write. Sometimes I wish I could shut off my brain. As I cozy up in the back of my Jeep, nestled in some blankets, with my Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal at my side (sounds like shameless product placement, but it’s really good), and open up my newly charged lap top, I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say. Instead, I am tempted to watch another episode of “Being Erica” on Hulu (no responsibility but to sit and watch, remember?). Hanging out in the back of my Jeep is one of my favorite places to be....I sleep back there more often than people realize...that’s weird, isn’t it?
A lady was trying to cross the street when I was pulling out of my parking space a moment ago, but she was too afraid to cross. Eventually, one of the cars stopped (took long enough, considering pedestrians have the right of way...), and she began to timidly cross. I stopped, but then another car tried to go around and almost hit this lady. The drivers seemed to be annoyed with this pedestrian, never mind that they were the ones who were breaking the rules. Why are we so impatient? I hope the lady was able to get in her car and forget about what had just occurred, not taking it personal. I wonder if she’s having a bad day, rain and all, and this just made it worse. Why do I always envision that people might be sad? I can usually read it in their face and body language. The truth is, there are a lot of sad people. I see them everywhere.
Another 20 minutes or so of random thinking....why not watch something on Hulu? What’s going to happen if I do? What’s going to happen if I don’t? Who cares? I was so excited about having all day to research “The Crucible”, and I haven’t read a single thing about the show, characters, etc. I figure I have all day tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that to research it, really. I think I’m starting to get too laid back about being laid off. I think I’m afraid I’m going to run out of stuff to do. That’s a silly thought, really, there is always something that needs or should or could be done. I think I’m afraid I won’t run out of stuff to do, and I’ll just keep myself busy for the sake of keeping myself busy. Who wants to do that?
I think I want to stop analyzing all of this, and enjoy the last couple of hours before rehearsal...browsing the internet, watching a show, or reading a magazine...maybe a nap, too. I could get used to this. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
After reading my Glamour magazine and listening to classical piano for a couple of hours, I feel inspired for others, tired, and a bit...annoyed...annoyed for not doing any research, getting any exercise, or really doing anything productive. I’m reading about college women who are making a big impact on the world. I can’t help but wonder how they get there. I know it takes hard work and good connections, but what kind of hard work? What did they do first? Here I am getting ready to go into rehearsal, and I realize I have had all day to research, develop my character, and memorize lines, but I haven’t even done so much as read the script. It’s like someone expects me to do it now, so I don’t do it. Is it self-sabotage? Am I overwhelmed, or uninterested? Or worse, am I just....lazy? I’m not sure what compels me not to act. I have been thinking about doing things all day. I have been writing about it, and searching around the internet for the next step...but I haven’t done anything really concrete, with lasting benefits. I thought, as I boarded the escalator to leave Barnes and Nobles ‘I want to be a writer...I want to write’. ‘Good’, I thought, ‘so write’. I got to the car, and suddenly wasn’t so keen on sitting and writing. I get inspired, but when it comes to the actual doing part of that dream, I falter. Why? It could even be something I know for a fact I enjoy, I just tell myself I don‘t feel like doing it in that moment, but I will later. Like now, it’s getting closer to rehearsal time, and the closer it gets, the more I just want to sit here in my Jeep and read and write. I’m sure once I’m in there and we’re in the midst of things, I will be enjoying myself, but I’m not sure what keeps me from getting it together and focusing on what I can do in this moment to move me forward. If I can’t seem to find the urge to do the things I know I enjoy, or the things that will get me what I want, is there any hope for me to ever find it? I read these stories of these people and can’t help but wonder, ‘maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or task-oriented enough. Maybe I am actually incapable of going that far. Maybe I’m just meant to be mediocre. Somebody’s got to be mediocre, right?’ Many people would tell me, if anybody can do it, I can, but I wonder...am I just really good at faking that I might be able to do it? Am I really good at talking the talk? What have I really done? Why, after two years of teaching, was I still doing everything the hard way? Haven’t I learned anything along the way?
I have to go into rehearsal now. Thank goodness for scheduled, mandatory events...or else I fear I might sit in the back of this Jeep the rest of my life, reading about everyone else’s successes.
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