WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE, VIENNA WAITS FOR YOU.

I am standing in my kitchen chopping fruit and veggies (not together, of course), and listening to select Billy Joel tunes on vinyl.  As “Vienna”, “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant”, “She’s Always A Woman”, and “Everybody Has A Dream” make their way to the kitchen, my mind finds a free moment to wander.  It’s nice, standing, chopping, listening, thinking.  Hopefully, if my mind has permission to run free now, it will allow me to stay focused when I sit down to get some plans hashed out for the weeks ahead.  My demeanor is calm, and my disposition is sunny.  Consequently, I hope the tupperware filled with various fruit and veggies is the beginning of a trail of good choices for the week.

So far so good with the new goals...or, actually establishing tangible goals.  I am succeeding in going against what I want to do and trying new things that I probably need to do to remain successful both in my personal and professional life.  I like how I list those two things as if they are separate....but they need to be, to some extent, in order to truly feel fulfilled....for me, at least.  You would think it is simply a case of mind over matter, but for me, it seems to be more a case of matter over mind...get up and do it before you have time to think it over.  It is not a matter of what I feel like doing, but more a matter of what I want to feel like, and doing the things that I know will get me there. 

Some thoughts that crossed my mind in the 40 minutes of washing, chopping, and distributing:  

~I have never been in love.  It didn’t make me sad to think of this thought.  It was truth and I like truth, no matter how painful, or trivial, or comforting it may seem at first.  I think falling in love is something you have to do on purpose, and I am not so sure that I have opened myself up to even allow the possibility.  It’s okay with me, for now.  I can’t help but wonder if I will hold out so long that my heart will eventually take over at the worst time and I will be left to wander, searching for something I think I have missed.  So, I will be open.  I will not prioritize it as of yet, but I will be open, even if it is just to save myself from what I would misconstrue as breaking free.

~”Everybody Has A Dream” sounds like Mike Brush singing, and sounds like the kind of song he would write.  A duet with Mike Brush and Billy Joel would be awesome.

~I need moments like this, chopping, listening, thinking.  There is always something to accomplish or finish.  In order to not become completely unhinged and need more than a few days to be alone and regroup, I need to stop, breathe, and listen.  I have found a secret today.  I can accomplish something even during those little breaks.  Preparing something that can only serve to help me through the week has also served to help me unwind.  It seems simple, but I am just figuring it out.  Perhaps something like this would not have served me the same purpose at a different season of my life.  Perhaps it would have.  I can’t even guess, so regret is useless in this regard.  I am who I am, I did what I did, it is what it is....if you can’t change it, why give it any more time or thought?  Learn your lessons and move on.  If you keep repeating negative behavior after you have come to certain conclusions about them, then there is obviously something deeper going on.  I certainly hope people are not afraid to dig deep.  I realize I need it to continue growing.  Moments like these allow me to grow.  I consider them crucial now.

~Before I started chopping, I read snippets of “The Vertical Hour”, a script by David Hare.  I desire to read through it entirely, and sit down with it for some time.  At first, I was afraid I was wasting time when reading scripts, or anything, for personal fulfillment.  I mean, I have scripts to find that can actually be used in the classroom or for a high school play, lessons to prepare, grades to put in, a set to build, technical theatre to learn, blocking to figure out, copies to make, e-mails to read and answer, supplies to organize and put away, things to reconfigure, etc.  So many times as teachers I think we forget to keep learning, for us...our benefit.  We’re so busy teaching, we forget to keep pursuing our own personal goals that have nothing to do with our career.  It was easy for me to say I was growing because everything I teach has something to do with something I love, theatre.  Instead, I should see it as, if I am personally progressing my own journey through theatre, it could only benefit my students.  The two become muddy because the content of study is sometimes the same.  I should find moments to memorize and workshop monologues, for me.  I should get physically fit, and adopt a healthier lifestyle, for me.  I should understand my limitations and not compromise that boundary, ever, for me.  If I do these things, it will naturally benefit the students I see every day.  I cannot choose to do those things for that reason, though, it must be for me.  That is the only way it will truly be fulfilling and make a difference.  It is muddy.  Sometimes I will just have to sit down and do something, defining it specifically as something for personal fulfillment.  I wouldn’t have to do that with every single thing, of course...I can still play in the mud.

Many other thoughts flowed through my mind as I stood in my kitchen.  My mind segues from one thought to another in such a strange chain of events and string of thoughts.  These were the big realizations that actually ended with some sort of conclusion or almost made it through the entire thought process.  

I am going for a walk on this beautiful evening, before I have time to realize I would really love to just sit on this couch and zone out to the TV instead until I look up and see a few hours have gone by, resulting in nothing, piggy backed by guilt.  I’m sure the walk will change my perspective, and I will have an entire new flow of thought by the end...maybe even about the previously mentioned ideas.  Hopefully, I have allowed my mind to wander freely enough to gain focus when I need it tonight, working towards how I want to feel....free, open, accomplished, focused, energetic and relaxed.  Here’s hoping I do not continue to do the same things over and over expecting a different result....here’s to change....even if it’s one thing, or just one thing at a time.      

      

Movies that just may ruin my life........

When Harry Met Sally....Pride & Prejudice....Bridges of Madison County....Roman Holiday....Dirty Dancing..............................the list goes on I'm sure, but I've already grown tired of this game.

Everyone Needs a Pal

Soooo....I have been wanting to write again....a lot.  Yet, I do not write.  It's cool.  I will.  Maybe not online...but I will write.  I feel like I'm finally getting myself back a little bit.  It only took a month of no school.  Well, I've been going into the school and working, but on my schedule, not on school time.  Well...I know that I have allowed myself to get way out of shape...physically, mentally, spiritually, socially....and I am just now starting to reclaim all of that again.  In hopes of reaching out for the first time to get help getting into shape, a friend led me to myfitnesspal.com, and so far it has been a great resource for me :)  I highly recommend it.

Here is an excerpt from my opening blog, introducing myself as a new member:

So, I'm new to this fitness pal thing, but I'm not new to the struggle of staying in shape. I began work as a teacher in August and ended up working 70-80 hours a week. Fast food and soda became my comfort, as well as my source of sustenance...bleh. I turned 30 and my body totally freaked out. I have lost all my core strength, and done something I told myself I would never do (started buying clothes *gulp* in a bigger size). I have seen a few family members and friends get sick recently, and begin to battle with old age. I realize how lucky I am to have a body that is able and a mind that is sound (for the most part;). I have a great relationship with God and want to honor that relationship by taking care of this body he has blessed me with....even though it doesn't feel like a blessing right now. I want to be an example for my students, as well as my family and friends. I want to find changes that are lasting, and changes that help me to be true to the person God created me to be. I saw this in a book recently: A woman loved how happy, carefree, and confident her aunt seemed to be, even as a single 'old maid' as everyone called her. After her aunt's passing, the woman found a diary where her aunt shared how she remained so carefree. She said every day she makes sure that she 1. Does something for someone else 2. Does something for herself 3. Does something that needs to be done but she doesn't want to do 4. Does a mental exercise 5. Does a physical exercise 6. Says an original prayer that includes counting her blessings. 

I plan on following this and seeing where it takes me. 

I know this is going to take more discipline and patience than I would care to have to exude. However, I am a 'Go Big or Go Home' all-or-nothing kind of person. I have just been going big on the cheeseburgers and lazy Saturdays. Now it's time to go BIG on these 6 new expectations mapped out for me :) Wish me luck!!!!

Destination Affirmation

We'd like to think we don't need it...but when it comes...maybe we should take it.  I take the grief, the constructive criticism, and sometimes tend to be my biggest critic.  If I'm going to take ownership on those things...then it is also my responsibility to take in these moments, right?  Well...if I have to...  :)


Excerpt from a senior profile:


"I am very proud of what I have achieved here at Saginaw Arts and Sciences Academy. I am thankful for people like Mrs. Nash, Mrs. Gutierrez, and especially Ms. Cartwright for pushing me toward a better future. Ms. Cartwright has shown me a whole new world with brighter surroundings and happier endings. (I'm getting a lump in my throat right now.) I will always cherish my memories I have here at SASA."


Well...that's makes two of us...with a lump in our throat...

Pillars of Salat

I can feel the people around me relying on me to be a pillar of strength.  I accept the task and do not take it lightly.  God is caring for me so I can care for others.  I know I do not need to be more than what I am able.  Problem is, I am one to test limits, especially my own.  I know that with Him all things are possible.  If I am meant to be a pillar of strength, God will make it possible.  I just need to keep coming to Him.    


Right now, though, in this minute, I feel like a pillar of moldy mashed potatoes.  


If He can turn water into wine, surely He can give me strength to get through another day.  


God is good.  

Constant lies

I have been wanting to write for some time.  I never seem to have enough energy left to do it.  I do not have energy now, but I don't know what else to do.  I am sitting in the hospital room of my uncle...ahhh room 306.  I shall remember this room forever, I think.


He is restless tonight.  Lord, give him peace.  Let him sleep.  I watch him sleep and it frightens me and calms me.  I can't tell if I am scared, worried, detached, or worse.....I might have too much of an understanding of what exactly is taking place.  I recognize that in this bed lies the one constant male figure in my life. 


I am too tired to continue writing.  I can't sleep, but I can't really do anything else either.  So, I sit.

this love, this hate

Hollywood Undead - This Love, This Hate


You know what I love and hate about theatre?


You can never be fully in control of it.  Whether you are an actor, director, whatever, someone else will dictate part of the show.  Everybody wants to be in control, but nobody can do it alone.  As an actor you need to succumb to the director's vision, and as a director you realize the actor's will only do what they choose to do, and can never really fully do what you see.  As a lighting designer, set builder, stage manager, producer, costume designer, whatever, you are never fully in control.  The audience always has some power in this, too.  What a strange equation.  It's fascinating.

I would like some chocolate....

and a glass of wine....and maybe a secret admirer.

So...my doctor gave me a prescription a few days ago...and I have found myself sitting down and watching three entire hallmark movies, at midnight, 3 in the morning, 9 am on a Saturday...enraptured...ever since.

I think my doctor and I need to have a talk.

More than anything....

I desire to be good.  More than being loved, appreciated, successful, healthy, or fortunate...I desire to be good.  Some people who know me quite well might find humor in this desire of mine simply because I have been known to be a bit of a rule bender...or demolisher, as the case may be.  I'm not really sure why I am that way, to be honest.  It feels like it comes from somewhere deep, and happens before I have time to really think a situation through.  I know that our flesh does not always give room for choosing to be good all the time.  I do not desire to use that as an excuse as to why I am not always good.  I can't help but feel that God can use these tendencies I have to rebel, ask questions, and fight for the greater good for His purpose.  Is there a greater good?  Is there something bigger than just being good?  Living a life of excellence sounds better than being good.  Being good makes me think of someone who always follows the rules.  What if the rules suck?  What if the rules tell you to do something that inside of you says is actually not good at all?  What if striving for excellence calls you to face the majority head on and say 'there must be a different answer'?

I do not desire to behave, but I do desire to be good.  

I heart...

I love that time of night or morning, when half the people have their headlights on and half do not....

I love when I drive past a store and they are obviously closed, and all is dark, except for the open sign in the window, which was left on and burning bright.  

I love God's grace...but I love His mercy even more.

I love gas stations that still have a full service pump.  I don't use the full service pump, but I love them.

I love to dance.

I love when I have told my class that we are in silent mode, somebody sneezes, and at least half the class takes the opportunity to say "bless you" at different intervals.  I give them all a look, but inside I'm smiling.

I love dropping into my bed, exhausted, after a full day of service, a long day of getting things done, or hard, physical, labor, or a great performance.

I love it when an actress goes up to announce nominees and winners at an awards show, and you know everyone is relieved that they are looking at the worst dressed for the evening.  

I love running yellow lights, especially when it turns red when I am only halfway through. (Terrible!)

I love making funny faces.

I love Helen Mirren, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Carol Burnette, Gilda Radner, Susan Sarandon, Cate Blanchett, Angela Lansbury, Betty White, Elaine Stritch, and Ethel Merman.

I love an empty stage...no audience, no actors, no lights...well, maybe a ghost light.

I love white Christmas lights.

I love when the sky turns a shocking color, like pink or maybe purple.  

I love turning the key in the lock, opening the door, and seeing my kitchen, just the way I left it.  I love coming home.

I love watching a student on stage, stopping them, giving feedback, getting up, watching them struggle through it, getting up again, trying something else, watching them try something new, cheering from the back, encouraging them to keep going, and watching that 'aha!' moment come to them, and seeing them get a reaction from the audience for the first time.

I love watermelon jolly ranchers.

I love when I don't get in my own way, and I actually have a really good time.

I love driving.

I love surprises.

I love reading autobiographies.

I love when I'm walking down the hall and I hear a little enthusiastic voice shout "Hi Miss Cartwright!" and turn to see an unfamiliar face smiling at me.  I don't know them, but I know they know me, so I smile and say hello.  It always makes my day.

I love a great pair of jeans, the perfect fitting t-shirt, a beautiful scarf,  and a stellar pair of heels.

I love passion.

I love roller skating.

I love a traditional dinner:  ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, green bean casserole, rolls w/butter, or spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread, or eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast, or pizza, or chocolate cake, or pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

I love being enlightened...even if it means I have to admit I was wrong.

I love fashion magazines.

I love sunshine.

My name it means nothing; my fortune is less

It usually takes me one entire day spent all alone in my apartment to realize I was missing.

It usually takes one more entire day spent all alone in my apartment to get myself back.

This is day three.

I wish I had another....

"I lived in solitude in the country and noticed how the monotony of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind” ~Albert Einstein

“Solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts, we get under no other condition . . .” ~Amelia E. Barr

“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” ~Ellen Burstyn

“I feel the same way about solitude as some people feel about the blessing of the church. It's the light of grace for me. I never close my door behind me without the awareness that I am carrying out an act of mercy toward myself.” ~Peter Hoeg

“Solitude is strength; to depend on the presence of the crowd is weakness. The man who needs a mob to nerve him is much more alone than he imagines.” ~Paul Brunton

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. ~Henry David Thoreau

When the superficial wearies me, it wearies me so much that I need an abyss in order to rest. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943

We live in a very tense society. We are pulled apart... and we all need to learn how to pull ourselves together.... I think that at least part of the answer lies in solitude. ~Helen Hayes

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong

Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world. ~Hans Margolius

True silence is the rest of the mind, and is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. ~William Penn

No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength. ~Jack Kerouac

Just keeps getting....better...and better...and better....

September 15, 2009

11:36pm

I find myself in my bed...staring at nothing...wide awake. I was at the school for 15 hours today. I left, exhausted, leaving everything exactly where it was, knowing I would be coming in early in the morning to organize it all for the day, and then most definitely stay after school to attempt to catch up a bit. I can’t tell if I’m overstimulated right now, energized and inspired, or if I’ve completely lost my mind laying here in the dark singing Billy Joel songs, almost at the top of my lungs, and then laughing...out loud....maybe it’s a little bit of all three of those things.

I go through, in my mind, the little things that I always seem to forget about during the day that need to be done to keep me moving forward. I, then, make a list on a blank sheet of paper near my bed...and then add it to the pile of lists in my bag, waiting for my attention...because I never actually get to anything on the lists. Seems Miss Cartwright always wants to bite off more than she can chew, and then lays in the dark, in the middle of the night, wide awake, singing Billy Joel songs because, frankly, she doesn’t really know what else to do.

Apparently, she has also begun referring to herself in the third person.

You know what? I’m gonna do this...I’m gonna get through all of this...and I’m going to do it well....well, at least as well as I can, and hopefully better than I did before. That’s all you can do, right? Do the best you can, work hard, and try to improve. It’s going to take a lot of extra work, and a ton of extra discipline, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice if it means that the Theatre reputation at SASA keeps going up, and the students continue to grow and learn about not just theatre, but life in general. I love these kids. I really do. I want to do right by them, and give them the best education possible for me to be able to give them. I don’t want to even think that they would be short-changed simply because I decided to spend my time and energy on something else. My task is here and now. Every day is different. Every day I am met with new obstacles, new personalities, new drama, new standards, new circumstances, and new time constraints...that’s on top of all the old stuff that already existed. It’s crazy if I think about all of it at once...so I don’t. One step at a time. One class at a time. One day at a time. One lesson at a time....and sometimes, one conversation at a time. Sometimes the conversation I have with a student before the bell even rings, and they come in early because they just want to talk, is the most important thing I might do that day...so I better be willing to set down what I’m working on and listen...really listen. I can’t do it all the time or I would never get anything done. It’s so important to be able to gauge those situations as they come. It’s hard to do when half of your students are new. I’m just getting a feel for their personalities and preferences. I can feel that the class is still working on finding that common ground and understanding where they fit in the scheme of things. It’s an interesting dynamic to watch, really.

I can feel myself getting tired. I would like to think I can get some sort of rest considering my alarm will ring in roughly 5 hours. As long as I get at least 4 hours of sleep during the night, I’m usually pretty good. I have a couple of students coming in to work on audition stuff for Pit & Balcony after school, but then I can come home and crash for a couple of hours before heading back up to the school to work on play stuff for our fall show. Starting next week I won’t be able to do that anymore because we will begin rehearsals or set building every day after school through November. Yikes! Then I have auditions for the next show in December, and the Middle School play will be happening around the same time. We are planning on having a grand opening performance for the new auditorium and a performance for the musical theatre class, as well. Basically this is my last week to have any kind of free time after school. I should have scheduled doctor and dentist appointments this week, but I ran out of time. Now I have no idea when I’ll be able to get into the dentist or doctor because there is no time available on the weekdays. I have to find time...I need to take full advantage of having benefits for the first time in years...and years...and years. I’ll do it. I’ll figure it out and everything will work out. I said that 29 was about moving forward, and 30 is going to be about balance. I will find balance. Man, it just keeps getting better...my life.

I am blessed.

Pity Party for One Plea- um...Nevermind :)

September 7, 2009 4am

I have been sitting here wide awake for the past hour. I should have grabbed my computer and started writing as soon as I knew I was wide awake, but I felt like I was too tired to actually do anything but lie here in submission as my mind wandered. I did have the chance, however, to allow my thoughts to revolve around enough in my head to come up with tangible solutions and conclusions.

I found myself thinking about the theatre department at SVSU. I went around and around with different things in my head concerning the department, and then I realized I couldn’t control any of the things that I was allowing to rule my thoughts. Also, a lot of those things do not even affect me anymore, so why do I care? Why do we spend so much time thinking and wondering, or perhaps even worrying, about things we cannot even control? I wonder if it’s easier to think about those things because it is not in our scope of responsibility to act on those thoughts, due to the fact that we cannot control it. If I had been thinking about something I could control, or should, such as my own theatre classroom and/or plays, then I would be compelled to actively do something about it.

I had gone around and around in my head, and then I just stopped. I wanted to know why it all was so important to me. Why was I concerning myself with things that no longer concerned me? I realize now it began before I graduated. I think “Sideman” auditions put it all into perspective, but in a way that caused me to become almost desperate to perform again. Then ACTF was such an exhausting week, but rewarding and well worth the ride. I took my class to watch “Gooney Bird” and found myself appalled at my own colleagues and friends. Then “Camelot” came, eh, and soon I found myself sitting in the audience more times than I was standing on the stage, and it began to eat away at me a bit. I decided to audition again, and I knew “Gin Game” would be the perfect show to sink my teeth into and challenge me in all the right ways. I had read the show a couple times last year and loved it. However, things really didn’t go my way with that one, and I found myself completely disappointed in the system, and in my own priorities. Then another great role came along with “Bug”, but I found myself disappointed again, and a little surprised that I didn’t even get a nod for the supporting role. Suddenly I became almost desperate to find a way to perform again. I didn’t feel like a whole person. Something big was missing, and it became more than just about performing. The door was being continually shut in my face, and the more it happened, the more desperate I became. I believe it became the most apparent, to me, during the “Great Books” audition. Suddenly it wasn’t about performing at all, but more about being chosen. It affected my audition, it affected my teaching, and it affected the way I felt about myself. Nothing should have that much control over a person. So maybe it was all a blessing in disguise. The hardest part was when people would come up to me so often, privately, and tell me that they thought I should’ve had each of those parts. It happened with every single one of those shows. It made me feel good to hear people say that, but it also began to hurt a little, too. If so many people thought I should be chosen, then why wasn’t I chosen? Were they just saying it to be nice? Was I being narcissistic in thinking I should be chosen? Are the director’s playing favorites? Was the person who was chosen just better? Was me not getting the part actually saving me from making a poor choice given my circumstances at the time? Am I just making excuses to make myself feel better?

I got over it, all of it, and chalked it up to another one of life’s lessons. It all happened for a reason, and I am a better person because of it. I hope. I find myself going that direction in my mind again this morning, though. I imagine people probably think it’s time for me to let go, especially since I have graduated. I completely agree. However, I am committed to being in this area for another year, at least, and SVSU is the only place around here that has shows in the summer. If I like to perform, why shouldn’t I audition for shows? I understand it’s educational theatre and the people who are active theatre majors should get priority, but I am an active theatre education major. Why is that different? I understand it is different. I feel different. With all that happened in the past six months, I realize I do not desire to be part of it anymore. I found myself, lately, desiring for somebody to choose me for their partner for ACTF this year. Last year was such a big year for me, especially at ACTF, why would I need to keep going? I wonder if it’s becoming more about being chosen again. The more I realize people aren’t even considering me as an option the more desperate I have become. Man, that is just sad. It’s cool...I know it’s sad, I can say it. Maybe now I understand a little bit why an athlete doesn’t retire at the height of their glory, but rather stays a little too long, in some people’s view, because they love the game. Why should they retire? They. love. the. game. Let them play...who cares.

You would think getting the door slammed in my face this many times in a row would deter me from performing, especially since I have so much going on with teaching and directing and everything else. I wish. I think it would be easier if it had...but here I am awake in the middle of the night the day before school is slated to begin, and I’m not even thinking about school. I realize that I have been cast off by my own department, and I understand it, to a point. I am not going to continue to try that avenue if I know the door has been closed. It would be silly to keep fighting for something I’m not so sure I want anyway. It’s time to branch out and see what I’m really made of, what I can really do without the safety net of the department. I know that means it might be a little bit before I get to perform again, but that just means I use this time in between to prepare for the challenge. I refuse to go out there unprepared. I’m glad it’s in my hands now to figure out what I need and to go out and get it. I guess it has always been in my hands, but I was so busy trying to be chosen for the things that were happening now, that I kind of forgot to prepare for the things that I wanted to happen later.

Well, after this crazy roller coaster ride through my thought process, it looks like I have twenty four hours to come up with a syllabus, classroom rules and expectations, audition schedule, and lesson plans for the week. Time has run out...it’s time to get some coffee and get to work :)

lacrimosa in lansing

8-23-08 east lansing 1:15am

i am so annoyed, and trying not to be, but it’s just festering inside of me. i wish i could sulk my way into whatever i wanted. you would think after so long you would start to act like a grown-up...maybe it’s me who needs to grow up. walking out of the room while rolling my eyes to let people know i’m annoyed is not a grown-up thing to do...

i need to re-direct my energy right now. they say “your present focus determines your present feelings”. i need to red-direct my focus...

i had a good weekend with the theatre festival. it makes me want to start a festival like this in saginaw. i really want to do this...

i have to follow through, though. it’s easy to say i’m annoyed at people that say they want a festival like this in saginaw, when i know they are just saying it in the moment to sound like they initiate things, but they really would not be willing to put any of the leg work into it. the truth is, though, i think i’m annoyed because that is actually an insecurity within myself. i’m afraid that i am all talk and not willing to do the hard stuff to see things through.

i find myself wanting to talk this over with someone, and that annoys me, too...i feel like there might be some understanding there, but i don’t think that’s necessarily true. my jealousy is insecurity, and nothing more.

i can’t believe sometimes the selfishness i see around me...but if i notice it so much, is that a sign that it’s time to reflect on the selfishness within me? the things i find so annoying in others...is it just something within myself that needs to be considered?

God, help me to be a better person. I want to be a better servant...a better giver...a better woman...a better friend. I want to be good. I don’t like feeling angry, annoyed, jealous, or cruel. I can’t even write...I erase it and start again...I just...I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I want to glorify You, Lord....in word...but more in my actions...in my life. Your Grace and Mercy...Your goodness...that is what is important...help me to be more forgiving. I know that means You will probably put me in a position to have to forgive, but so be it. With You and Your Spirit within me, I can do all things, Lord...I am up to the challenge. Help me to work on me, and not be so concerned about what others say and do. Help me to listen for Your voice, and seek Your love in others, and give Your love to others, and concentration on nothing else...

Lord...I am blessed. Forgive me, Lord. Thank you for speaking directly to my heart in this moment and bringing me back to You. Nothing good happens without You. Thank you for all of the people in my life...every single one. I have learned so much, and yet I feel I have such a long way to go. Just when I think I’m making progress, I feel like I take two steps back.

Lord...help me to continue to move forward. Open my heart to Your possibilities. I want to work hard and give everything else to You. Whatever You have planned for me is much greater than anything I could come up with....make my dreams Your dreams, Lord. It hurts sometimes...but with You in it...I can’t lose. I love You, Lord. Forgive me...help me to forgive. You deserve more than me, Lord.

Mozart's Requiem-Lacrimosa (lyrics+translation)

insomnia blah

august 21, 2009 east lansing 3:16am

why do we always think that demeaning someone is funny? i do it just as much as everyone else...but why? do we get a little bit of satisfaction out of making someone look bad? is it insecurity on our part? are we trying too hard? are we not trying hard enough? i don’t know.

i’m in an apartment full of people and i feel completely alone. that is why i love to be alone. i don’t feel lonely when i’m alone. i often feel the loneliness when i am with other people. you would think after all this time, i would figure myself out enough to know why, but i don’t have a clue. sometimes i feel like they don’t know me...but that just sounds like teenage dramatics. maybe there’s a bit of truth to those teenage dramatics. maybe that’s why i can relate to teenagers so well. i believe them. i know what they’re feeling is real, no matter how foolish it sounds to the rest of us.

i want to be the best person i can be for the people in this apartment with me. i’m glad i have this time to myself, while they all sleep peacefully, to gather my thoughts and start over again. sometimes i need this time to gain perspective. i’m not perfect. i definitely make mistakes. i know my perspective can be off because it’s based on my emotions or ‘feelings’. instead of getting annoyed with them, and desiring to be alone, maybe it’s time to check into what i can do differently to make this situation better. there is always something i can do differently...better. i want to be better. i want to do the right thing. i can learn from this situation. i can learn something from each one of them. i desire to make them feel important...no matter what that means for me.

uh oh, the woe is me perspective is trying to creep in...what to do? do i write it out, so it’s out on paper, and i can see how ridiculous it all is in retrospect? do i squash it and not even allow it to completely form in my heart or mind? is it going to be there no matter what i decide to do with it? i don’t know what to do. what is the best option at this point? i want so badly to do the right thing. since it so often feels like i do the wrong thing, maybe it’s time to do the opposite of what i feel is right. i feel like i want to write it out and get it all on paper so it stops floating around my head. i will not do that...i will squash it before it has a chance to form. i think those thoughts are just an excuse for me to feel sorry for myself and to be annoyed or hurt by other people. i seem to be the most comfortable when i am in the pits and feeling sorry for myself. that is pathetic. it’s time to do something different. it’s time to move on in my mind and not even relish the thought of the woe is me attitude.

it’s time for me to close the computer and talk to God for a bit before, hopefully, going to sleep...it’s time for something different.

Girl 27

My palms are sweaty.  I sit here with sweaty palms.  I find myself a bit nervous...no...perhaps a bit...undefined?  Okay.  Undefined.  (Perhaps a bit unrefined, as well.)  Sometimes I love the beauty, angst, the flow of words.  And sometimes I feel they cheapen an experience or state of being, never quite being able to give proper credit to what is now.  That's why I think I love theatre so much.  It is a look, a voice, words, a picture.  It is raw.  Sometimes it's a facade...yet-you can still see what is underneath.  There's always an underneath.  You can never fully be who you are portraying...you are always somewhere underneath.  I don't think I've even come close to being.  I have acted, and I have reacted until it hurts.  I want to find someone until the underneath is blurred, and that person becomes part of the underneath forever.  I want to take the pieces and spread them out on the floor and begin to piece it together bit by bit.  I want to be a story, and not just tell it.  I suppose I don't want to ever fully be someone else's story, though.  It is not mine to be.  It belongs to someone else, doesn't it?  And I would want it to remain theirs...I would not want to cheapen their story because my ability can only take it so far. 

Who do I think I am?

Suddenly I feel very inadequate and selfish.  Who am I to think I should get on that stage and tell someone else's story?  I can't help it, though.  There's something within me that fights, stirs, does not rest...what do they call that?  Insatiable?  My insatiable appetite to be.  That sounds nice and dramatic. 

I am absurd.  Trouble is, I don't know how else to be.  No matter who I try to be, the underneath is always there.  The strangest part?  I like the underneath.  I like the raw, the ugly, the deep calm, joy at its truest form.  I like me at my truest form.  

I started this blog because I did not want my previous post to be the first thing someone saw if they chose to read my story.  When I find myself in a moment to write such babble as the previous post, it is just that, a moment, and then it's gone.  Such stuff.  People will draw their conclusions, I suppose.  Or, perhaps, people do not think about me as much as I would like to think they do.  We're all a bit too busy thinking about ourselves, yet we still manage to draw conclusions about others, don't we? 

I wish I were brave. 

I want to be brave.

You see?  A picnic planned today with old friends.  My heart and mind know there is some place I need to be, so they decide to trick me into contemplative melancholy.  A few years ago I might have succumbed and spent the day locked away in a tower of pretension...or perhaps I would just be still.   I am beginning to understand that sometimes (only sometimes) I would use those opportunities as an escape from the responsibilities of being social.  It is so much easier to sit in a tower than it is to plaster a smile on the ugly for a day, or have to constantly tell people that nothing is wrong...you just feel...content being calm.  Now, however, I have opened up enough to realize that I am not alone in the underneath...we all have it.  I can write for a piece, throw my hair into a ponytail, grab my flip flops, jump into my jeep, and use the ride over to find who I am today...no more plaster...the sticky-tape doesn't work well in the humidity anyway.  I choose to climb down from the tower and spend time today with people who bring me so much joy, and peace, and make me laugh until my face hurts.  

I never thought my story would have so many delightful encounters...   

    

Present-tense Inclination

Just write.

If you begin to type, it's amazing how the words begin to pour out...

or maybe not...maybe not this time...

.

.

.

.

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I want someone to play with my hair

.

.

.

intertwine their fingers in mine

when they know I'm feeling insecure

.

just before I make my grand entrance

or perhaps 

.

just because

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.

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I want to talk about the shapes in the clouds

and straighten his tie

.

.

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I want to sit on a bench in the garden

and read

.

pausing for a moment

to watch him mow the lawn

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I want to feel safe

and loved

and..

.

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I want old hands

and a young heart

.

.

.

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I want to respectfully decline an offer to dance

with a handsome stranger

.

.

. 

because my heart is no longer my own

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.

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I want to close my eyes

.

and breathe

.

and wish again tomorrow...for something new.

I don't want to fall another moment into your...

I like to be alone.  I would love to say it's because I can then create and live, for a moment, in a different kind of reality that I have created just for me, but, I think it's more that the truth has a better opportunity to present itself to me when there is no one around to muck it up.  I'm not saying people muck things up for me.  I'm saying I tend to muck things up for me when people are around.  I don't know why. (I'm not trying to play the perpetual victim with that statement, or seeking affirmation.)  I don't need it right now, actually...affirmation.  I, also, don't have any desire to be a victim in this moment, either.  I desire...truth.

I heard it said once that if you're questioning your sanity then that means you're sane because insane people do not question their own sanity...uh-huh.  I don't believe myself to be insane.  I am human, and with that comes some pretty crazy shit.  The end.

I do, however, question my choices, sometimes.  I question how much I allow my emotions to drive the daily decisions I make.  I would love, at times, to be able to put my nose to the grindstone and do something I don't want to do to accomplish something I want in the long run.  What do they call that?  Discipline?  Ahh, self-discipline.  I feel like self-discipline has always played a cruel little trick on me my whole life.  Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but I feel like it taunts me, from somewhere just out of my reach, and the only reason I want it is because I can't have it.  Or maybe that's my lame excuse for not making the necessary changes to obtain it.  Maybe.  Maybe...it's a lot easier to sit here and whine about who I wish I was then it is to actually get off my butt and do something about it.  I like who I am more than I ever have before...but I must not become complacent and think that this is good enough.  Part of me thinks this is just fine, and knows I will grow and change with time and through experiences that are beyond my control...it's inevitable.  The other part of me thinks time is of the essence, and there's no time like the presence to get off my butt and get moving...even if I don't always know where I'm going, exactly.  Clean your room, do your homework, make some dinner, write a blog, take a shower, call your mother, pay your bills, go out and meet a nice man...why?  Why should I?  Because that's what everyone does...but why?  Why do you spend half the day thinking about what you should make or have for dinner?  Why do you go to a job and continually look for a better one?  Why do you make goals for a future you don't even know will happen?  How do you walk by people who are hurting and ignore them because you have things to do?  We all do it.  We all ignore people who might make us feel called to a different action than the one we are in the midst of in that moment.  Sometimes I wonder if I have the urge to drop what I'm doing and help because it might be easier than whatever I am responsible for in that moment.  As if helping is an escape for me rather than a necessity or intrusion.  It's easier to live poor because it weighs less.  Maybe that's what makes it right.  Maybe that's what makes it wrong.  Somewhere deep I know the answer...but it doesn't seem to stop me from asking questions.  

I have found myself in a different place in my mind than I thought I was when this writing began.  The desire for truth remains, however.  I do not want my emotions to guide me unless it is the truth...I have a sinking feeling that oftentimes I am deceived by my own feelings.  Ha.  The alone time allows me to separate it all out, and begin to piece it all back together in a way that makes more sense...well, to me, at least.  I know a lot of times people think I am...odd.  I'm sure I could throw a few more words in there, but for now, odd will work.  :)  I have tried to figure out what people wanted from me, and played the part as best I could.  I have also fought hard against it, and stuck out a metaphorical middle finger at the world through my actions, or inaction.  I have cared, and worked tirelessly to the point of exhaustion, and I have sat, detached, stubborn, and immobile.  I have woken up in the middle of the night, contemplating life.  I have gone through the motions, and I have slept soundly, knowing it all works out in the end.  Sometimes, I have gone through all of these things in the course of a single day.  Believe me, nobody knows better than me how...odd...I am.  I fight it...and embrace it...all the time.  

In the end, though...it's not really about me, is it?