Me and "Ferdinand" 

"The Tempest" April 2005 

"The Little Prince" 

This hat weighed like 10 pounds! 

Random 1 o'clock Thoughts

I love the fourth of july, but i'm not too fond of the eleventh. that's not meant to be funny, it is what it is. it's funny how different dates have different significance to different people, kinda like different songs or colors or smells. we all live in the same world and it means something different to each of us. we all cope differently, and react differently to the same situation. "it's what makes the world go round." not really, though, the world would go round even if there were no people on it. one time, a friend of mine had told me that it seemed like a cop out to him to give the explanation "cuz God made it that way" to everything. that made me laugh. actually, it kinda made me sad back then, but it makes me laugh now. if it were such a simple thing, wouldn't more people believe it, or even say it, at least? Abe Lincoln once said that "truth is not determined by how many people believe it." rock on, abe. people have always amazed me. i often wonder what they are thinking, what motivates them to do what they do, or say what they say. i think about how they say things compared to what's probably really going on in their minds, and what compels them to change it somewhere in-between. or how about those people that don't talk often? those people intrigue me the most, because they are usually the ones that get the most respect. i know that, yet, i still can't keep my mouth shut. you shouldn't be who you aren't to gain respect, i suppose. if i can't get it being me, i don't deserve it acting like someone else. i often say the wrong thing at the right time, or the right thing at the wrong time, but it all comes out eventually. instead of opening up the front door really wide and letting all the bugs in, i think i need to invest in a screen door for my brain, so only the cool breeze can float in, and i don't even have to worry about the bugs. i've got quite a collection, though. maybe it's time to get rid of that, too. all those stupid things i have said or done that still float through my mind, that probably nobody else cares about or even remembers. yeah...maybe i'll try to sell my bug collection on e-bay...some sucker would invest in it for sure...probably a self-sabotager looking for some new material to berade themselves with, after all..."it's what makes the world go round" right? i honestly hope that through my relationship with Jesus Christ, that circle of negativity has been broken.....i know it has. my friend, Lindsay, moved to California today....i wish her the best.

Ode to a Beautiful Day

So many times we just go and go. We forget to take the time to stop, look around, and smile. I have a keypad at my fingertips that communicates to the world the many stories, ideas, and pictures I have swirling around in my soul. That makes me smile. I often have trouble communicating what is going on in my soul at any given moment. It is as if I have an entire symphony playing in my heart, and all that comes out on paper is a piano, alone, playing a simple melody. Sometimes that can be just as sweet. This is what I see in this very moment: I am swimming, in my clothes, floating rather. I am in a pond somewhere, but nowhere, really. I am allowing myself to take in the whole view of the sky, which is a deep blue, with puffy white clouds. My arms move easily through the cool water, as I float deeper into the watercolor sky. That is enough for today. Good night.

A New Chapter Has Begun

Wow! I haven't written a journal entry since April!! I kind of forgot about my journal - which, I guess, is a positive sign, cuz I have been so busy, and things have been so great, it just never crossed my mind. Let's see....what has happened between now and then...."The Tempest" went well, considering the hardships we faced, and I now have a new appreciation for Shakespeare, I was inducted into the Theatre Honor Society of Alpha Psi Omega and was elected President for 05-06, should be a good year, I auditioned for the Theatre Scholarship along with many others, I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one, I got a chance to emcee the big award show for the theatre department with a friend of mine and it turned out pretty good, according to the comments we have received since then, I took a chance and wrote a play for my final scene in Directing Class, it turned out pretty well, and the girls did awesome performing it, uh, school ended and I managed to keep my grades in the 3-point range, ROCK ON! Overall, I give the year an A, possibly an A+ at times! Recently, God has chosen to bless me even more. I don't know if I can take much more of this - but I'm sure I'll manage :) I moved in with three other friends of mine, and it's going well! We got a duplex in Freeland and it's super nice! I get my own room, the living room is HUGE with a cathedral ceiling, I finally have a dishwasher, and getting a washer and dryer, we have a back and front yard and a two-car garage, we have two full bathrooms and a HUGE basement that rocks! It's nice to have a computer with high-speed internet at my fingertips as well. I'm sure I'll be writing a bit more because of that, and, yes, we have a cat - but Sammy's pretty cool. I look around at what I have and get tears in my eyes because I am so lucky. I know so many people that work very hard and don't have half the luxuries I have right now. It truly makes you appreciate everything God does for you on a daily basis. I am blessed. I have been getting more hours at Holy Cross, which is very good - moving into a new place is expensive! Sometimes it is stressful and you wonder if you're getting anywhere with these guys, but then one of them completes the program, and gets to go home, and you can tell they are a different person than when they came in, and suddenly, it's worth it. Like my friend Justin said once, "we don't see the grass growing, but we know that it does." I fell into another opportunity this summer, and I'm really looking forward to getting started. I applied for an activity leader position at Essexville-Hampton Community Ed. I put together a couple workshops that I would do with the kids at the Detention Center in that area. It would just be a couple days and then I would be done. Well, it turns out their on-site coordinator can't continue through the summer, so they asked me to finish their seven-week program! That would give me thirty hours a week working with different activity leaders and hanging out with the kids all day! They also reserve two slots a week for me to do whatever workshops I come up with as well! Don't get me wrong - it's not day camp, it's lock-up, but kids are kids, and they need to have fun, too, and know that someone cares about them, even if they did mess up. I can do that job and continue with my work at Holy Cross! I'll be pretty busy, but it's so worth it. I applied at a church for a youth director position. I don't think I'm what they are looking for, but I have left it completely in God's hands. I have an itch to get into ministry again, but I have to be really careful. Once school starts back up my schedule is jam-packed crazy!! I had my first meeting as President of Alpha Psi Omega and it went well! It was just a brainstorming session, and we came up with a TON of ideas! Mostly, we just got excited about the possibilities as an organization next year. I hope we can continue that excitement through the year and accomplish many great things. I think we will... Well, I better go....I hope that catches you up a little on what's been going on with me! Things are great, God is great...but God is great all the time, whether things are great or not :) PEACE

No Sweat!

Last night I played basketball for, what felt like, hours....I actually think it was at least a couple hours. I needed that so bad. Sometimes, when my world gets stale it means I need to get off my butt and do something about it....and I did. When I got into bed last night I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake praying and thinking until 3 o'clock. I realized that all the things I was thinking about I needed to hand up to God....and I did. I didn't want to hang out with anyone yesterday. I wanted to sit by myself and take everything in. I realized that it wasn't helping me to do that, and I needed to go be with my friends, and appreciate the people God has put into my life at the present time....so I did. I know that if you have unforgiveness in your heart, chances are, God's not hearing your prayers. Looks like I have some apologizing to do, and some forgiveness to ask for......so, here I go....

Swimming, Swimming.......

So many times we feel like we are on the right track. So we begin to relax a little, let go of the wheel, get lazy. That is just what satan wants. He would rather us sit on the fence our whole lives, then to turn our back on God entirely. That way, we bring other believers down with us....and we all just sit on the fence....and wait. I'm uncomfortable sometimes. I tend to think that means it's time to move on. I have to keep reminding myself that, maybe, that's how I'm supposed to feel. This world is not my home. Maybe, when I get uncomfortable, it's just because I'm homesick. I love Mercy Me's song "Homesick". It rings so true in my heart every time I hear it. I miss my friends. I hang out with people here at school. I've gotten to know a lot of great people, and many have become good friends. However, I miss my other friends. I have a group that hangs out here in Saginaw, who I haven't even spoken to in months! My friend Janis is engaged...and I haven't been able to hug her yet and tell her congratulations...and here ALL about it! I miss my friends from Grand Rapids. There are so many people there who I love so much. Sometimes I contemplate moving back. Sometimes I contemplate moving somewhere else. I always get so restless. I have a lot of other friends who live all over the place. I wish I had more time for visiting. I think I'm going to try and open up some days to go see them all this summer. I could really use that right now. I have the play again today. It's really going well. God truly listened to all our prayers, and answered them, as only He can do. I love when I step out on that stage. It is one of the best feelings ever! It's like...you escape...for just a moment....and you get to share it with everyone else. I used to read so many books when I was little. I would lock myself in my bedroom and read for hours almost every day. This is kinda like that, but better. I get the same feeling stepping out on that stage that I used to get reading those books. You ever feel like you're not yourself sometimes? The last couple days, I feel like I haven't been myself. I think it's because my world has become stale to a certain degree. It's my own fault - I know that. I have not dove headlong into God's word in a long time. I have not taken the time, every day, to evaluate and grow and become a better person. I always do that, but lately, I haven't. I miss my alone time. I miss sitting quietly letting the wind whisper God's promises in my ear. I miss having real conversations with people about God's word, and digging to find more about His character. Sometimes, being back in school reminds me of high school. The same old gossip and politics that I despised long ago has crept up on me again. The problem is, instead of rising above it, and walking in the Lord's peace, i grow indignant towards it, and become stubborn, and....hateful. That is not who I am. That is not who I am at all....so, then it makes me sad. I know that most of the students here are younger than me....I forget that sometimes. I just want to be the person God created me to be....and I see her in me sometimes....and I like her. I just want to keep growing, and confronting those demons that have awaked a bitterness in me that comes out at the most inopportune times. I love the Lord and all He has to offer. I choose that. I choose that peace and that hope. I choose to be loved, and I choose to love others.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...

how do you measure a year in the life? that is from a song from "Rent". i would love to go see that show sometime. from my last journal (yikes!) my health has improved immensely. it took over for just over a week, and then one day, it was gone. i was beginning to think that it was a dark cloud that would be there a long time. (that just proves how "anne of green gables" i can be sometimes, caught up in the "depths of despair".) it makes me laugh to think of it now. however, when i am in the midst of it, it's not very funny. God always sustains me in those "sink or swim" moments. he's like the orange floaties on my arms that keep me afloat. i have to go to work now. things have been going well at work. the guys are really coming together as a group. yeah, they have their moments, but all of us do. there are only going to be six guys there tonight. it's nice when there are only a few, cuz that gives me a chance to give them more of the individual attention they are craving so much. it should be a good shift. tomorrow should be good as well. many of the guys are at home until monday, so tomorrow there will be only half of the group. hopefully, in the spirit of the holiday, i might be able to talk to the guys a little bit about Jesus' ressurection, but only if they ask. God guide me through such a conversation! "the tempest" is going well, i think. shakespeare is hard to memorize and even more difficult to comprehend without some sort of help. however, once you have the language down, and understand the message he is trying to convey, it is wonderful to perform! i am a bit concerned about the lead man, who plays my father, but he does have a lot of lines (more than all the rest of us combined) and i'm sure he'll work hard this weekend to get them memorized. we have our first dress rehearsal on monday, and opening night on friday! i'm curious to see what kind of crowd we get. i am so glad that i get to be a part of it. i think we will pull of a very good show. i am running for president of the theatre honor society alpha psi omega. ha. i never thought i would ever "go greek", but this is really important to me. i have a lot of ideas, and i think i have a pretty good chance of winning the election. i hope so. i also have been working hard the last week to catch up on my classes. i have a final scene in my directing class and my acting class that i want to nail! i have been searching through scripts today (it takes a long time!) and have found some pretty good ones in the mix. now i also have to catch up in my poetry class. unfortunately, that is the class that has fallen from my priorities, and it's the hardest one! i really want to keep my grade point up and stay on the dean's list!! it means a lot to me to be on it, it's just hard to find the time to balance everything right now. i talk to God on a regular basis. unfortunately, i know i do not give Him the time that He deserves. it's to my own loss, because i have not received the blessings that could come forth if only i would give the time and energy to His will. how is it, that that is the one thing that is so easily dropped when time is in short supply. that is the one thing that should be most important. God has not forgotten me in spite of it, and i have not forgotten Him. i love that He has blessed me with a hunger to pursue Him when i have stepped away, even for a short time. God has really provided people to hold me accountable (sometimes it is someone i least expect). i would love to type more, but i do not want to be late for work. i am so grateful for the opportunity to work, to do what i love to do, to be surrounded by loving people, and to be sustained and blessed as i go through each day, whether or not i deserve it. "five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.....how do you measure a year in the life."

i just can't shake it

it's been a full week, and i still can't shake whatever's stealing my energy. i sit and have no desire to do anything. i really just want to go home and go to bed. my throat has been swollen and i just can't lick this thing!! i have rehearsal tonight....then off somewhere else with my brother. hopefully everything works out for the best with all of it. i can't wait for classes to be over!! God is still so good to me....He has been here for me through all of this....I am so grateful to my God for someone to cling to...Jesus!

Crooked Staircase

Call was at 12:30 - it's 1 so many things swimming - no sharks, just whales the whales of responsibility and deadlines how many hours does it take to write a paper? how many hours you got? be a flower, be a lady, be a tempest, be an ice cream cone, ahhh, paint my face and call me rosy but don't call me at three in the morning, zzzzzz Satan yells with clangs and cymbols God whispers in my dreams with wistful songs of peace the stage is dark, black, i cannot see a soul the lights blaze and i am smiling, dreams come true the light is coming from my soul, the Spirit shines A crown of beauty instead of ashes as i drop kick my urn into the ocean I say to the devil "check-mate"

I'm late, I'm later, Crap! I missed it.....

I feel that sums things up pretty good. I don't really have time to type.....must go to rehearsal, aughhhh! I realized last night, as I was hopping into bed around 3 a.m. that I had completely forgotten about my online journal...like, I didn't even think about it once since the last time I wrote. That's wierd....usually I will at least think about it (doesn't mean I'll necessarily do anything about it) but I had completely erased it from my thoughts. I have been busy.....very busy......and I keep getting busier.....but I like my life. God has blessed me greatly!! -My brother is staying with me, cuz he got a job over here in Bay City, so that's been fun -School is getting busier - with scenes to perform, papers to write, projects due, and exams! -I have been rehearsing for "The Little Prince", performances start in a week! -I got the lead female role in "The Tempest" (yay!!!!!!) and rehearsals have begun, YIKES! -Work has been uber-stressful, and I'm trying to squeeze in hours anywhere I can! -I am also helping out by being in scenes for other people's directing classes and things -My mentor said that she would love to continue meeting and discussing God's character and His plan for my life (yay!) -I continue to cast all of my anxieties on the Lord on a daily basis, and He has sustained me!!! -I actually have an hour today to go home and get something to eat (my apartment is a mess!) I know this sounds like a lot, and it definitely is a lot. However, I am having a good time, and still have a peace that transcends all understanding, as long as I keep God in front of me. I still manage to smile and find joy. Yes, I am tired sometimes, but it is a good tired, a fulfillment that comes from a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I do want to start putting a little more time and effort into homework and classwork, getting all I can out of what's being offered to me at this time. I better go....the hour is dwindling....To God Be The Glory!!!

Who needs balance when you have chocolate cake?

I DO!!! when i did youth ministry for a time, one of the lessons i grabbed from the YFC curriculum was on balance. you took a quiz on four areas of your life: spiritual, social, physical and mental, to see where you stood on each. the goal of the quiz was to fall somewhere in the upper-middle of all of them. if you found you were high on one end and low on another, you could re-organize your priorities accordingly. with my life, i have found that balance seems to be the key for me. usually, i find i am lacking in one area at a time. i attempt to fix it, therefore, neglecting another, and then frantically trying to re-focus my energy on that...........it tends to be a vicious cycle, a vicious cycle that is usually manageable. i can usually tell when something is being neglected because i feel unsettled. i can definitely tell when things are balanced because i begin to get the urge to do something stupid to throw it all out of whack again :) lately i have been feeling unsettled, so, naturally, at two o'clock this morning, i couldn't sleep. i started to think about the different areas of my life to see which one was off-balance with the rest and came to a horrifying realization: THEY ALL ARE!! there is not one area of my life that is balanced or focused or on target with where it should be......not even close. it's a wonder i get through each day. the truth is....i don't. i float through each day like a zombie, doing the bare-minimum to simply survive it. my diet is aweful, i have gained weight and feel extremely uncomfortable with myself physically (not because i'm obsessed with it but because i know how my body should feel and i'm not even close to that right now), i haven't been keeping up on my homework because nothing has been "due", and i keep arriving late and unprepared, i'm letting work stress me out beyond what it should, nothing is a priority right now - i just float to the next thing and sit. i haven't done a devotion in over a week, or been to church in two months, ( i have conversations with God every day, which is how i came to the revelation of my present-day, unbalanced existence). i have not been in touch with close friends for quite some time, or returned calls, or really care much about making or breaking plans. i have grown comfortable with the fact that i have run out of clean clothes and my apartment is a disaster......the list can go on and on, but i'll spare the details. that's just the major stuff. while i understand that some fine-tuning is in order, i can also be realistic and understand that it's not going to be completely different overnight. i know i am capable of going into overdrive and turning everything around by this time tomorrow, but eventually i would grow weary and jump back off the wagon and become lazy again. this is not a quick fix situation. it's a matter of finding the small changes i can make in each area to grow closer to the desired level of balance.........i'm not looking forward to the work involved, i'm sure that's why i continually stall the inevitable, but i will feel better and get more out of the things i am involved in. in addition, i will be a better influence on the lives of those i encounter on a daily basis. i will be better for me, and better for them....most of all, i will be better for Him. looks like i better go, i have to do my laundry, walk a bit on the treadmill, eat a balanced meal, do some kind of homework, call an old friend, make plans with a new one, and go to bible study........sounds like a pretty well-balanced night. hopefully that means this headache will finally go away...... ~PEACE~

Would you stop looking at me, please?

To tell you the truth, i have no idea why i just thought of that title for this blog. it seems to fit perfectly, however. i have rehearsal in a bit, so this has to be short. i got a part in "the little prince". i am the rose at the beginning of the play, she is talked about and the very significant part of the the little prince's entire journey. it is a great story, and i'm happy to be a part of it. or maybe i'm just happy to be significant...... i went on this testing thing that i saw on another blog and found out funny stuff about me, that i already knew....it's one of those tests that can explain exactly who you are by asking twelve questions...unfortunately there were two questions that two answers applied to me at the same degree, so i tried the test both ways, and, of course, got two different responses, and, of course, i found they both applied to me in different ways: 9 - YOU ARE A PEACEMAKER you are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others. your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is a conflict. you are easy going and accepting. you take things as they come. avoiding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm. 4 - YOU ARE THE INDIVIDUALIST you are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. you are creative and dreamy...plus dramatic and unpredictable. you're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. ah, truth to both, but, just like horoscopes, probably a bit of truth in every one. these are probably just the two that contain the most truth about me. my mind is swimming with words and emotions and puzzle pieces that have yet to find a home right now......my head actually hurts. i feel the need to rest, but only because i know that is not an option. it seems the very thing i need to do is always the last thing i want to. i'm beginning to change that around a bit, by changing my thinking on the matter, however, it still comes to haunt me every so often. rehearsal will be good......my part is small, and i can sit and do whatever i want while the others are doing their blocking, then i can also get my blocking down so i can begin to memorize the text with the blocking. memorization is always my biggest hurdle in a play. i love improv, so i like to make things different every time, but you can't with an actual play. don't get me wrong, i love to committ to a character, the problem always comes in the delivery of the dialogue and the dialogue itself. we concentrated on anger today in our acting class....not my favorite emotion, but a worthwhile experience to say the least. i realized something today in both my acting class, and my poetry class, and i'm sure it applies to my directing class as well. i always thought with art you either have it or you don't. the truth is, it can be learned, and, even if you have all the talent in the world, it still has to be honed in so it's appropriately utilized. i never knew that. i never knew there was technique, and basics involved with poetry or theatre, but there is. that is what devides the trained from the untrained. i have also found that it's actually something i want to take the time to learn. wierd. i have to go to rehearsal...peace.

Another Rockin' Semester......

It looks like another rockin' semester is in the works. I thought it was going to be kinda "eh" compared to last semester, but i think i will be pleasantly surprised. i haven't really gotten back into the school mode yet...i even forgot to grab my book and paper and stuff for my class yesterday...i had to borrow from the computer lab...but it went well...it was public speaking. unfortunately, i have managed to arrive late to every class i've had this week. who arrives late on the first day? apparently, i do. i had originally scheduled a four hour night class - accounting. who does that besides a crazy lady? i wasn't really looking forward to it, but i need it eventually, anyway. then, a friend told me the professor i had for that class was impossible - to understand and to pass without a but load of outside work. i hate outside of class work. i know that's what a majority of college is, outside work, but not to actually have to go through the book and teach yourself everything - in accounting. so.....i was searching the on-line registration, and just happened upon an english class i had previously tried to get in but it was closed. there was one opening in the class - so i signed up. it's a poetry class - ROCK ON! i just got out of it, and it is going to be awesome, it will be outside work, but, chances are it is work i am already doing, on my own time: reading and analyzing poems, and maybe taking a stab at writing some of my own. we'll see....... fate is in my corner, well, not fate, more like faith. the intro to directing class i wanted was completely full with a waiting list of more than ten students. i happen to jump on the computer at the same time that someone dropped the class and managed to squeeze in before someone from the waiting list was contacted - that's awesome! i also am in an intermediate acting class with the more brilliant actors from svsu. in my intro to acting class i was somewhere in the middle, which was good - i am now at the bottom of the barrel staring up in ernest. i am going to learn a ton in this class and be stretched yet again from my little box that has grown increasingly bigger with each risk i take. lastly, i am taking a public speaking course. i am deathly afraid of that class. i do realize, however, so is everyone else who is in there. there will be some brilliant speakers, there will be some not so brilliant speakers. we're all there for the same reason, to get better. i like to think that is what we all have in common, and puts us all on the same level, no matter how brilliant we are or are not. you ever have those moments where something seems so perplexing, then suddenly your mind clears the sun peaks from behind the clouds, and the answer is staring at you as if it had been there in plain english all along? i get that more and more as time goes on. i got that today while analyzing an Emily Dickenson poem for a quiz (that's right..we had a quiz..never mind that i had just signed up for the class today and missed the first one...but the professor said if i bombed it i could make it up somehow....that's reassuring :) anyway....i was staring at her somewhat obscure language and grammatical structure......suddenly i began to write, and as i wrote, more came to me and it began to make sense.....i know, an emily dickenson poem began to make sense!!!! that's crazy. now, the way i see it, i am either completely right on with comparing the "narrow man in the grass" with a skeleton, and a "House of Prose" with the ordinary and uninviting status quo, or i am way off and will be mortified when the somewhat obvious to everyone else answer that is completely different from anything i was thinking of is revealed. i somewhat hope i am wrong......isn't that funny? all through school we write something we perseve to be brilliant and hand it in knowing that the teacher is going to be moved to tears and read it aloud to the class the next day, only to be crushed when we receive the paper back with a red marker all over it and a note telling us that we got way off track and must have not been paying attention when the directions were given...whoops. what happened to brilliant? more like brilliantly off focus. in this case though, i hope there is red marker all over challenging me to dig deeper and look harder, or stop looking so hard and perceive what is staring me in the face. if i am right, the professor might expect more than i can give, and the class might, too. in a class like this, i would rather sit in my own little corner and listen to what others bring to the table, giving my input but giving it in a way that no one would know it was mine, not because i fear i will be wrong, but more because i fear i will be right. is that silly? maybe. theatre is not a practical major - bull. i've never felt like i was being more practical than right now. everything and nothing makes sense. i am no longer searching beyond myself but within myself. i can share real experiences and truly get to know the inner workings of my classmates. i am vulnerable but safe, open but real. if nothing else...i feel at home. 2005 is definitely going to rock.

Brief Summary

Great things that have happened: I finally bought "Fight Club" I brought my grade point average up from a 1.9 to a 3.1 in less than a year I have been terrified, but trusted God, and, as always, He saw me through. What a faithful Father I have.. I survived I added Theatre as one of my majors I have forgiven and been forgiven, two of the best feelings ever My brother is home I have found work that is fulfilling and might actually pay the bills...maybe I met someone and had one of those great, substance-rich conversations that last until 4 in the morning, with no pressure to be anything but friends...awesome I've recognized how great true friendships are, and realized just how many I have....too many for someone so undeserving I've truly found the Christmas Spirit, and for once it has nothing to do with shopping or presents I made myself vulnerable in front of a room full of theatre students...and lived to tell about it I cried and laughed many times all in the same day..rock on I sang on stage I sent out a few Christmas cards..I usually never get around to it My apartment is pretty clean, and has been for a while I finally finished "Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, I've been half-done with it for over a year. I have about five books at home that I started reading and never finished, tonight it's the script "Summer and Smoke" by Tennesse Williams, and tomorrow, perhaps I'll finish "The Kennedy Men". I was not afraid to be honest with myself and about myself..what did I have to lose, really? I have met an amazing mentor, and have learned a ton about God and myself. I realized that I talk about God and Jesus more than I talk about anything else...it's about time I took more risks this semester, and put myself out there more than ever before....I can't wait to do it again. Not so great things that have happened: Ha! Do you really think after all that God has done for me that I would have anything to put in this column? No way! ALL things have or will work out for His glory...who am I to say that something is not great? Who am I to demean the work of God simply because I may not understand it at the time? Who am I to dismiss His work as struggle and strife and not recognize how priveliged I am to suffer a bit if only He can be honored by it? Who am I?

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Does anybody else think this journal has become completely B O R I N G? Some serious revamping is in order......soon, very soon.....finals first.....or maybe it can prove to be a great stalling technique and tool to encourage my procrastination.....or else it's time to grow up and get my priorities straight.....yeah....finals first. i gotta learn how to do links, pictures and all that jazz......... CAUTION: This blog is under major re-construction.......please accept my apologies for any inconvenience this may cause, or an even bigger apology for the inconvenience it caused to have such an incredibly uninsightful, uneventful, unfulfilling blog. Be back after Finals! *PEACE*

Omni-Present

Man.......God is everywhere. I was just going to hang out with some friends last night, go bowling or whatever, when Josh called me at, like, seven o'clock and invited me to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert at 7:30! Of course I said yes and flew out the door! The concert was great. I'm not a big person on "celebrities". It bothers me that people would be in awe of someone just because they're famous, you know? I am more in awe of people who are not famous, and live their lives according to God's word on a daily basis, no fanfare, no fame, just a humble heart. What I appreciated the most about the concert was the praise and worship. I realized yesterday that I have not been to church, because of work and the play, in almost TWO months! That's crazy! I loved looking out across the crowd, and recognizing that we were all singing praise to the same God. To me, that was awe-inspiring. I ran into a ton of people I knew, and truly had a great time. I hope my friends that I had plans with can understand why I totally bailed on them, not for the sake of the concert, but more for the sake of my soul. It did my soul good to be there last night. Chris Tomlin and Casting Crowns did an excellent job as well. It was a good night, and I felt lucky to be a part of it. I've been working a bit more now, which has been good. One of the full-time poeple left Holy Cross, so it looks like I'll be getting some major hours in. The restaurant will be busy for the holiday season, too. Unfortunately, it is finals time and I have a few different projects due, and some monologues to perform. I have not started any of it, but I'm confident I'll get it done. I'm doing quite well this semester, too well to start slackin' now, anyway. This has been the craziest semester ever, but it has been tons of fun!! What a ride...... I think I am going to try to be a little better about keeping up with this journal. I feel like there is so much I could have written about this semester, but it just was never a huge priority. We'll see if I can be a little better about it next semester. Ha! I have to go......I have, like, four loads of laundry to do at the laundromat and then I go to the Restaurant tonight till closing time. Then, I go back to the restaurant tomorrow morning and then back to Holy Cross for the evening shift. Yikes! So much for homework time. I have a feeling there is not going to be much time for sleep in the next couple of weeks.....it's a good thing school is almost done! PEACE!

Family Life

My brother is back home for a while. He was down south for a few years, but he just came back home last week. It's good to have him back. I know my mom is happy to see him safe and healthy, things parents worry about all the time with their kids. Hopefully, he sticks around for a while. My little sister is coming home from Grand Valley for Christmas Break soon. It will be nice to hang out and catch up with her when I can. I will be working quite a bit, but I'm sure we'll get some time to hang out. She will be at home with my mom and brother, so hopefully they will all get a chance to spend some time together, too. I'm sure she's looking forward to sleeping A LOT! My sister really likes to sleep in. It will be nice to have us all together on Christmas Day! I don't have a lot in the way of presents, and it really bothers me, but I know that they don't either. It will just be nice to be lazy, eat, watch T.V., and hang out. I'm really looking forward to that. It's too bad my older sister and her family couldn't come up from Iowa this year. I haven't met my niece or my nephew yet. I only met one of her boys, and that was, like, three years ago. Yikes. Hopefully, my nephew and niece that live here in Bay City can hang out with us near Christmas time. I went over there for his birthday in November. He is four years old now, I can't believe it! I love that kid. Hopefully, I can start hanging out with him a little more often. My uncle is going out of state to see a specialist. It looks like his cancer has gotten pretty bad recently. I haven't been over to see him yet and I don't know why. I think they are leaving in the next couple of days. I pray that everything works out with him. I know it would be very hard on their family if something happened to him, especially my aunt. My mom started her new job. I know it's better than the old one, and I'm glad she's working in Lapeer. I hope she can move there and finally get out of Cass City. Cass City isn't bad, it's just not the greatest place for her to live. There is so much more available in the bigger towns. I hope that she can continue to look for work in other fields. I'm tired of seeing my mom work in the factory. I would love to see her get a nice sit-down job in a better environment. I'm sure something will open up soon, God willing. I tell you what, my mom is the most fantastic person I have ever known. She is a survivor, and continues to wake up every day and do what needs to be done. She raised four kids on her own, with only a few dollars in her pocket, and sometimes not even that. How she did it, I will never know. I know God is looking out for her, but I truly wish that she would open up her heart to Him. I know that God can supply the peace that she has never known. I hope and I pray that one day I will walk with my mom in Heaven. If God accomplishes nothing else in this life of mine, I hope that's it. I hope my mom will be in Heaven.