How's That Workin' For Ya?

Dr. Phil's been known to ask the question often...and, actually, it's a good question. I know...right? I've been asking myself that question lately and came to some great conclusions. ~some of the people i surrounded myself with on a daily basis, were actually sucking the life out of me, and poisoning me, rather than encouraging me to be a better person ~there are too many other relationships in my life already that deserve to be nurtured, that have been ignored for too long ~walking away doesn't mean you failed, it means you've grown and can recognize that the battle is not worth losing the best parts of you, even if you have to leave some people behind ~the best thing to do to avoid bitterness is to forgive, even if it's just yourself you have to forgive, and recognize the positive things that have come out of a situation, even if it's just a few lessons you've learned and can take with you to the next adventure ~I am not above anyone, everyone deserves respect (and not just when they earn it)...however, people will treat you as bad as you let them ~It is a battle, every day, not to allow frustration, disappointment, anger or bitterness to take root in my heart from different situations in my life, but it's worth the fight, and love always wins ~no matter what, if God is put first, things will work out, and there will be a reason to smile ~don't ever be afraid to sit, quietly, with yourself, and ask the tough questions...you'll be happy you did, no matter how hard the truth is sometimes and, this tough one: ~no matter who you are or what you do, there is going to be somebody who doesn't like you, and, sometimes, you just have to give yourself a break, and realize that's just the way it's going to be...

1,2,3,4,5,6....Wierd

Today at 2 minutes and three seconds after 1 o'clock, the date and time will read as follows: 01:02:03 04/05/06 it will never, ever happen again....pretty crazy, man. i think i need some sleep....

Whaat?!

I've always been one to appreciate great conversation;) Professor: Since you weren't in class, you get to post your story first...I need you to post a 7-10 page paper on blackboard tonight by midnight. Me: What? Professor: It's crucial for your grade. Me: What is it supposed to be about? Professor: Be creative Me: Sure, I'll get right on that..... Boss man: I know you don't start until the summer, but I need a few things from you this week that are very important. Me: This week? Boss man: Preferrably Wednesday...and, if you could get me those other things I asked for last week, that would be great. Me: Sure, I'll get right on that.... Christian Ed: So, Colleen, what exactly do you have planned for the next month in youth group? Me: I'm still working on next week. Christian Ed: Well...it would be nice to see the youth more involved...and, I would like you to be at some of our meetings with a game plan, the youth do the Easter breakfast, and there is a fundraiser that is done every year at this time by the youth... Me: I'm available in May Christian Ed: Actually, all of this needs to be done in the next couple weeks... Me: Sure, I'll get right on that... Another Professor: Colleen, I seem to be missing some of your assignments Me: Oh...I actually haven't turned them in yet. Professor: Hm...I think it's time for you to re-think your priorities Me: Actually, I was planning on doing that...but I don't have time Professor: Turn in your assignments by Thursday Me: Sure, I'll get right on that... Theatre Dept: Hey Pres. we have a meeting tomorrow, and inductions, plus we need to start our fundraiser today Me: Could you just disappear for, like, two days? Theatre Dept: No. Make sure you have everything you need for concessions, and attend the meeting to plead for allocations from SA tomorrow. Oh yeah, if you get a second, I could sure use some help on some other minor projects around the department...in fact, you're in charge of some of it. Me: Sure, I'll get right on that... Well, at least the play is going well....one thing at a time, right?

Aughhhhhhhhh!!!!!

"Stop the ride, I wanna get off!!!" Seriously, busy is an understatement (and so is your mom:) I feel like I'm on the Gravitron right now, and it just started spinning really fast and my seat is raising up and my head is being smashed against the cushion, and I'm trying to remember who told me this ride was fun, so I can punch them in the face when it's over. I will just keep my eye on May 1st, cuz that's when most of the craziness is over. Not that I won't enjoy the things I am doing now...if I wasn't, I shouldn't be doing them. Sometimes, though, it all stacks up, and you want to gouge your eye with a pencil, just to see the clear jelly stuff come out. Okay, so that was a little gross, but the jelly stuff is kinda cool. I can't write long...things to do. I feel like Stretch Armstrong right now. My new job has one arm, my professors have the other, "Oliver" has one leg, and Alpha Psi has the other, they are all pulling me as far as I will go, while the church keeps punching me in the stomach...my family is in my heart, and my social life is on my mind...and every once in a while someone kicks me in the butt, but they run away before I can turn around to see who it is. I better go...I think the ride is speeding up!!! Augghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could.......

I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here I wish I could float on the water for days at a time without a care in the world and let the sun warm my face I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep I wish I could cry less and laugh more sing the night into day and write a love story for my children that would come true I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them I wish I could sit and not think get all my work done and have that be enough

ROCK ON!!

The kids in my youth group tease me 'cuz I always say "Rock on" about everything. Tonight, I said it like a million times. There was this band playing, and they pretty much rocked...80's style all night long. I am just wiped out right now...in desparate need of a shower...and dying of thirst...and it all totally rocks. I can already tell I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but it's sooo worth it!! Seriously, the band's name was "jedi...something, something" i don't really remember anything except the jedi part 'cuz "Return of the Jedi" was only one of the best movies ever! I danced and sang so loud, and most people were right there with me. I love it when everyone just throws their inhibitions to the wind, and decides to go completely crazy! I don't mean like doing stupid stuff, but just throwin' your fists in the air, singing at the top of your lungs, and not caring about who's next to you or what you look like. I really needed a night to just let go, no drinking or anything, I don't need that....just a pure adrenaline rush from the feel of the bass soaring through your soul. I'm definitely going to be sore tomorrow:). I'll probably be at the church from 8 in the morning to 7 at night. I definitely have some homework to catch up on (I'm still so freakin' behind, man, it's killin' me). I love working at the church...and I love hanging out with the kids. It's all good. I'm considering just staying up at this point. I have to be up in three hours anyway. All I have to say about tonight is rock on, man, ROCK ON!

I'd Rather Have Rabbits........

It seems, since I have returned from Illinois State and the American College Theatre Festival last week, that I have just been putting all of the items from my "must do" list into a hat, shaking them up, and pulling them out one by one, attempting to get as much done as I can. I don't think that is a very good system, but it was really the only way to stay sane. I have to go to Youth Group in a couple of minutes, and I still haven't planned anything for it...plus I have to sign kids up for the "Souper Bowl of Caring" lunch we are putting on next Sunday for charity. Right now, I would like to bury my head in my pillow and scream as loud as I can. I think I will. I don't think I'm much of a screamer...the noise that just came out of me was so ridiculous, it caused me to crack up laughing instead of screaming...better luck next time. It's funny cuz I'm not totally freaking out like I probably should be. Dude, what's the point? Seriously. As long as I had my devotion time today, which I did, I'm doing okay. Alright, let's see what's in the hat....."take a shower". Hm. Oh yeah, I have to go to Youth Group...I guess the shower will have to wait. I'm beginning to think that "take a shower" shouldn't be in the hat, it should just kind of be a given, like eating or sleeping. It's probably the easiest thing in the hat right now, though, so it stays. I hope I don't get it twice in a row...that would be kind of wierd. I better go...the things in the hat seem to be multiplying by the second....I guess that is kind of like rabbits. Peace.

Breaking Bracket Barriers

God is so good to me. Something about this past holiday season has brought about a change in me that can be described as nothing but extremely positive. Knowing that the new year was coming up, and resolution time was just around the corner, I decided to make a couple lifestyle changes around Thanksgiving, so that by the time the new year rolled around, I would already be well on my way to who I wanted to be. I realize that every day is a matter of perspective. I know that sounds silly, like something I should have realized before. I did realize it. In any given moment or circumstance I was very good at realizing that it was an attitude issue more than anything. I do believe one thing I am pretty good at is looking within myself to see what I can change or do differently, or how I am at fault, or what I can do to improve a situation. Thankfully, God is always working on my heart in that area. You can't change other people, but you can look within yourself. Sometimes, I have been accused of being too passive or too forgiving. Is there such a thing? I simply choose to pick my battles carefully. Unfortunately, when I decide something is worth fighting for, it's hard to back down, no matter how bad the odds look. I think people may have something to say about some of the battles I choose, as well. People will always have something to say about everything. That is another thing I have realized recently. You are never going to please everyone. Again, it's something I've heard before, but, for the first time, I've been a little forgiving of myself. I'm still growing and changing, and looking to better myself every day. However, I'm not constantly beating myself up anymore, and it feels pretty good. I realize if I say something I shouldn't, I apologize, or let it go, realizing that I can't take it back, I can only work on choosing my words more carefully next time. I finally understand that people are probably not thinking about me as much as I think they are. They are probably a lot like me and more concerned about what I think of them. All this focus on myself was not allowing me the time to love on people the way God intended. If I don't like myself, how can I encourage other people to love themselves, or how can I expect others to love me? Anyway, back to the perspective thing. I usually hate winter. I love that feeling in the spring of rejuvination and hope. I realize that both of those things live within me, or else how could I feel them in the first place? Why not transfer that feeling to the present circumstances? It worked! I can walk outside, bundled up, and have the same feeling that I do on that first day of warm weather in the spring. It's all a matter of perspective. I think it's also a matter of balance. You have to make an effort every single day to maintain balance in your life. That is balance physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. If you slack off a bit, don't beat yourself up, just do something to change it the minute you realize you are a bit off track. I am also careful about what I am putting in my body. I have been eating better and making great choices. It took about a month to establish good eating patterns, and it's not perfect, but it is much better, and I feel a big difference in my energy level, my mood, and my overall well-being. One of the biggest changes I have made is diving into God's word, everyday. It doesn't matter if I fully understand it or gain some insightful wisdom. I do some devotion questions, or I just read a story I am unfamiliar with. I have also read favorite verses, or read the gospel...again. God said His word never comes back void and I believe it! I didn't do it expecting these great things to happen to me, but the changes in me are unmistakable. I know that I am on a spiritual high, and at a very good place in all the other areas of my life. I also know that chances are very good that it will not last forever, With the changes I have made, however, I feel I am in a new bracket (kind of like your taxes), and when it balances out, I will still be a step above where I was before. A step closer to who God wants me to be. To God be the glory!!

Runnin' on Fumes....

You know, I am so blessed. I am sitting here at the church; I've been here since 8 this morning, and left here at 7 last night. I will be here until 7 tonight, and coming back at 7 tomorrow morning, only to be here until 7 tomorrow night. Now you're probably saying, why are you blessed? First, I have a job. Second, I love my job. Third, well, God is God, and He loves me no matter what. I just got done rehearsing for the Christmas Program with a couple girls that will be unable to make it to the actual scheduled rehearsal tonight. The program is tomorrow...God willing, we will be ready, well, we won't be ready...but we're going to do it anyway. :) I just had to take a break a minute because the Bell Choir Director came in; she has a piano recital in between all my rehearsals today. We had to figure out how to have the bell tables on the stage and give her time to practice in the morning, and how to move them so we can also have the program, and have a little time to practice in the morning. I don't know how we all got scheduled to perform on the same day, but we are both willing to work together so nobody is left in the dust. I am blessed to work with such great people. We haven't ran through the whole program yet. We actually will never run through the whole thing with everyone together until we perform tomorrow. There are some scenes and some songs we have not ran through at all. You would think that would make me nervous, but it just makes me laugh. It wouldn't be a church Christmas Program unless some of the cardboard flats fall down, one kid refuses to sing or move or anything, and two kids start fighting on stage. I think I would be disappointed if those things didn't happen:) My stomach is in knots, but I think it's because of the pot of coffee I drank this morning. I'm taking a fifteen minute break right now, to type this blog, and just chill out for a second...remembering what this is really all about. The show will go on no matter what. The day will come to an end with my crazy youth group kids laughing with me cuz I'm really hyper from lack of sleep and too much sugar. I will go home on Sunday night, and finally be able to lay in my bed knowing that God was glorified in all of it. God has been with me through this entire process, and I just keep laughing at everything, sometimes the laughter brings tears and I'm not sure if I'm laughing or crying, so I get caught somewhere in between. I know I will be able to look back on all of this and smile, so I figured I might as well start smiling now. My body is kind of shutting down slowly, but I think I'll be able to hold out through tomorrow. I better go, I need to go upstairs and finish painting the nativity background...I have no idea what I'm doing, I can't even draw...but I think everyone assumes the kids painted it, which they did...most of it. Unfortunately, sometimes it's more work for me to have the kids do it, so I just drew the outline and assigned each of them a different color and let them go to town. The upstairs room is a mess, but I know they had a good time. We didn't finish, so I just have to do that darn stable. I think we ran out of brown paint, I'll just mix a bunch together...that should be a fun adventure. Oh yeah, I have to sew the wings on the angel costumes, too. I know, I can't sew either, but they only have to last through the program tomorrow. I'm sure I'll find a way...I'll probably end up stapling them...that would be hilarious. I hope you don't take any of this as complaining. I feel that happy/stressed/exhausted feeling right now...like you feel after you just played a hard game of basketball or something. You know you gave your all, and you're tired but really pumped up because you won. That's how I feel. I need to go grab another cup of coffee...and start painting...to God be the glory!!

The Little Things

In times like these, I love to take moments to appreciate the little good things that each day has to offer. So many good things God brings into my life, that I miss sometimes, I think, because I'm too busy to pay attention. I am reminded of a song I heard once that I sing sometimes, in the privacy of my car or my room, of course, when things are kind of blah. It's from the Broadway musical "Mamma Mia". Artist: Lisa Stokke LyricsSong: I Have a Dream Lyrics SOPHIE:I have a dream A song to sing To help me cope With anything If you see the wonder Of a fairy tale You can take the future Even if you fail I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I'll cross the stream I have a dream COMPANY:I have a dream A fantasy To help me through Reality And my destination Makes it worth the while Pushing through the darkness Still another mile I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I'll cross the stream I have a dream I'll cross the stream SOPHIE:I have a dream I'll cross the stream I have a dream

Journey to the Past...Accidentally

I've been meaning to post another blog for some time. Every time I would log on, I suddenly became very tired, and wanted to take a nap instead. I never really got to take the nap, but I never ended up posting anything, either. That's kind of funny. I'm at the church catching up on Internet stuff before I get to work. Whenever I come in, I always get on the computer and catch up on e-mail, make sure I'm still in first place for fantasy football, check up on some folks on facebook, and then "punch in", so to speak, and get to work. Today I'm feeling a bit mixed about being here. I just saw an old picture from Alabama (DII National Championship Football Game) and suddenly I want to be there more than anything. That is just truly a very happy moment for me. I love hanging out at a football game, eating a hotdog and drinking a pepsi, and listening to some loud, crazy music, and then screaming at the top of my lungs as I watch my team stomp their way to victory. I might have to slip over to my sister's place and watch part of the game, and then come back and get back to work. I think the game starts in, like, five minutes. My uncle lives in Colorado and gets season tickets for the Broncos every year. He invited me to go out there and go to a game with him sometime. That would be sweeeeet! Unfortunately, getting out there is kinda tough. I would love to go see my family again. I didn't realize my uncle and I had so much in common. I would love to see my grandma again, too. I enjoy spending time with her. She's a great lady, but life has been a little rough on her at times. I really need to try and keep in better touch with people. I think about so many people all the time, but never really do anything about it. I meet new people everywhere I go, and they are always so great. I pray for them, and wish them the best, but that's about it. I'm just not one to stay in touch. I would really love to see all the Youth For Christ people I met out there, and hang out with them a bit, as well. I would definitely drive up to the mountains and hike up to my grandpa's grave. My dad had a cabin up in Beaver Lake that he built with my grandpa. My dad lived there for a while, and was completely snowed in at one point. That's awesome...what an adventure! We used to go up there when I was a kid. My dad had a special "Beaver Lake" tape he would play...I still think of it when I hear those songs. When I went back there ten years ago, I asked my dad to take me up there. He told me that he had sold the cabin, but I wanted to go up to Beaver Lake anyway. When we got there, the cabin had been torn down. My heart was broken. I would give anything to have that cabin back. My heart still aches just thinking about it. I remember the way to where my grandfather is buried. It's a pretty long hike. My dad had a huge walking stick and he would lead the way. We would walk on the trail until we got to the end, then follow the pipe that leads to the stream. We would walk up a hill that was almost straight up and down. You would begin to see a change in the trees and know you were close. The lilly pond would come into view, and you knew you had arrived. We would always find the three pine trees that were planted together right over where my grandpa's ashes were buried. It seems like a dream, thinking about it now. What I wouldn't give to be there again. Someday.

well, at least my socks are clean.......

whenever you're having a bad day....paint your fingernails bright red, and put on some clean socks. seriously. i have some serious decision-making to do in the next month. i like it, and really hate it. the fact that i have to make decisions means 1) i am still breathing and capable of making decisions, and 2) i still have options. so...i guess i won't feel bad about it, yet. i have to go to class in, like, five minutes, but i figured i haven't written in a while, so i oughtta catch up a little. i won't go into what decisions need to be made, cuz then they would be known and it wouldn't take long for everyone to find out, then you receive all this feedback when the decision is hard enough as it is, plus all the judgment and things that come with it...i just don't feel up to all that right now. i am laying a fleece before God, and i should know where my life is going to go within the next month. i don't like putting a fleece before God, but with this one, i have no idea what else to do. i really want to do what God wants me to do. i've been living this whole semester based on my terms, and sinking steadily into a pit that will be impossible to get out of, if i don't do something fairly soon. i trust God completely...and know that next year at this time i will look back and have a better understanding of why all this needed to happen. At least my socks are clean......

Another Light in the Sky is Gone

A friend of mine once said that the stars in the sky represented to him all the souls that still walked around this world aimlessly...searching. I can't help but feel that another star has been lost. It slowly burnt out on Saturday evening. The desparation, pain, and anguish of a young man proved to be too much for one soul to bear alone. We have all been there, close to the edge, wondering if this world would be a better place without us. Some have been closer to the edge than others. Some are gone. Some are left here to wander and to wonder if there could have been anything to stop the light from burning out. Most who are left blame themselves in some way. What makes us so vain to think that we might be able to do something to stop or, at least, stall tragedy? That seems to me to be too much responsibility for anybody. I believe the best thing we can do is to make sure our own light is burning as bright as it can...and hope that, just maybe, it is burning bright enough to illuminate someone else whose light might be going out. My light has been very dim in the past. At one point, there were just ashes, the embers had been spread apart and left to burn out slowly. Somehow, God has ignited the flame and given me a crown of beauty from the ashes that remained in my heart. He used His light when mine had gone. I only hope that other wandering souls can look up and see God's light and find peace in knowing that they don't have to fight so hard anymore. They can find rest because God's light is there, and will never burn out, no matter how many ashes remain in our hearts. There is something to be said about people, and the way they come together when tragedy strikes. This young man not only knows and feels God's love for him, but also understands how deeply his life was cherished by all he left behind. I think this he would be pleasantly surprised and very proud of the way his fraternity brothers have come together to wish him peace in his time of rest. I have been known to go on and on about the gentleman to which I am referring, gushing about how proud I am to know them and how much of a difference they have made to me and so many others. This time of need for so many is no exception. So many of them unselfishly giving their time and energy when they, themselves, have so little left to give. Grabbing on to one another in hope and desparation, making sure each brother feels significant in the role they play in the fraternity and in this world. I am not even there, but I know these things are happening. I have been hanging around these gentleman for some time, and I have seen them come together for the greater good on more than one occasion. These guys do this sort of thing all the time. I have had the opportunity to hang around and meet other fraternities, but I have never seen or felt the power of true Brotherhood like I feel when I am with these gentleman. They define it through their actions towards each other, their school, their families, and their communities. They become mentors to each new pledge class, and stay in touch long after they graduate. They will hassle and joke with one another, but when it comes to the important things, the good stuff, everything else fades away and they are there for one another with a truly unbreakable bond. I am honored to know the gentleman of Delta Sigma Phi. I am so proud of all of them and wish I could stand in front of each one and share how special they are to me just by being a part of such a remarkable family of brothers. If they were accepted into this family by the gentleman who were already a part of it, then I know they can't be just anybody, they are somebody as remarkable as the group to which they belong. I wish them strength. I wish them peace. Most of all I wish God's light on each of them for the rest of their days. May the light of Delta Sigma Phi burn brightly for eternity.

It's amazing how you can meet someone once, only see them a couple times, and they leave a mark on you that you will never forget. Happy Birthday, Lisa! I miss you! 

Out of gas......and out of money

As the Homecoming Week draws to a close tomorrow with the parade and the game, I have one word to describe how I feel.....AMEN! I know that I should be excited about what went on this week, and I'm sure one day I will be, but right now...at 3:30 in the morning...I feel....tired. I sacrificed a lot to accomplish all the things that needed to be accomplished this week. Just today alone I was at the school from 8am to 8pm working on Homecoming stuff. I sacrificed too much. I have so much repair work to do that I don't even know where to get started. I have to start working more through the week to be able to pay the bills that have already come in. I have to go see each of my professors and figure out what I can do to get back on track with my classes. I have to work on memorizing my lines for the play and some scenes I'm in next week. I have to make time for reading God's word everyday, it seems to be the only thing that can still my anxious heart. I can't help but feel that everyone else is taking care of themselves and what they need to do and I am not. I ask them to do something and they have no problem telling me no because they have homework, work, or they just can't do it. I don't berade them or blame them because I understand. How come I do not allow myself the same luxury? Well, not even luxury, the same necessity, really. Is it really all worth it for the organization to meet it's goals this year? So, we meet our goals.....so what? Is it worth it if, at the end of it all, I am so burnt out and incapable of accomplishing any of my goals that I just want to leave this school and never look back? How do you know where to draw the line for yourself when you're the leader? I am not afraid to say that if I had not put in the work that I had this week, we would not have accomplished half of what we did. Is that the way it should be? Am I really helping people out by doing that? Is that inspiring people to believe in themselves and their own capabilities, or believe in the organization as a whole? A couple of the e-board members asked me how I felt after this week and I was as honest as I could be at that moment. I told them that we had fun, we did well....yes, I am tired, but I chose to be as involved as I was and make the sacrifices that I made, and I was satisfied. After thinking a little longer about it, I know that the true word to describe how I feel is disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed about some of the choices I made, and disappointed that we were unable to accomplish great things this week as a group. I feel that rests on my shoulders, as the leader. I know that it is not entirely my fault, and that some people are just not going to be involved. I understand that completely. However, I do believe that we would have had more participation from some people had I pursued it differently. Even if I did give something to someone and they dropped the ball, why didn't I just let it drop? I had to go in and do what I could to save the situation so we would still earn some points. I still feel it was worth it somehow...and I don't know, at this time, what I could have done differently, but I'm sure I will begin to figure it out in the next couple of days. We have another project next week for Battle of the Valleys. Thinking about that tonight as I was laying in bed attempting to go to sleep, I wanted to toss the whole idea out the window. Now, after thinking about all that happened this week, I want to try to use this next project as an experiment in leadership. I would like to go about it a bit different and see what kind of results come out of it. I hope that I can reach my goal of inspiring others to believe in themselves, and believe in our organization. If anything comes out of this year, I hope it's that. I feel much better now.....but I do need to get some sleep, the parade starts pretty early, and, of course, I want to be there earlier to make sure everything is in place;)

Love is.....

On Sunday Pastor Bill said something that will stay with me forever, it was a quote, but I forget who said it (sorry) "You can only love God as much as you love the person you love the least." After careful consideration I realized the person I loved the least was me. Then, I knew that wasn't true, cuz if it were, people wouldn't frustrate me, and I would never have cause to feel cheated or wronged, cuz I would just assume I deserved it. So....after recognizing how selfish it was for me to reflect on myself first, I realized that God loves Osama Bin Laden as much as He loves me, but He also loves Mother Theresa as much as He loves me, too. Do I love everyone the same like that? Or do I love the people more who can give something back to me, even if it's just gratification? Being honest with myself is so hard, but I know that I do not love everyone equally. Oh, I try sometimes. I try to love the people no one else loves, but am I also loving the people that don't love them? That is a great challenge that I am willing to accept. It kind of makes everything else that I'm worried about seem trivial and silly.

Lazy Days of Autumn? Yeah Right.......

I think it's time to slow down a little bit...unfortunately, my busiest time is coming up in the next four weeks, actually, next seven weeks. it's going to pick up even more on sunday and not slow down again until the last week of november. i couldn't sleep last night. i had the place to myself, which is always a blessing, but I didn't even get home until after 11, and it was so quiet....but i was up until 6am. I think everything just hit me all at once. God is so good to me during those times, offering me a new perspective after I've just freaked out for a few hours. His perspective is not really what I wanted to hear, but it's always exactly what I need to hear. My priorities have been a little mixed up this week. My main concentration has been Homecoming and Alpha Psi. I need to focus on the church - since it is my job (a.k.a. my income), and my classes, but I don't have any time. I need to make time because I have enough money to cover rent on the 1st, and gas for next week, and that's it. I hate money. I hate needing it, and I hate wanting it. Most of all, I hate when I don't have it...it shouldn't matter, but it does. When I am financially okay, I can usually make anything else work. It's times like these, when it needs to become a priority but there isn't any room for it, that I begin to get anxious and weary. The devil would love me to stay that way. I know better, and I know God is always victorious. He has always provided a way, but only if I am willing to realign my priorities and get it straight. This is the worst time for this wake-up call because everything needs my attention right now. However, it is also the best time, cuz God is getting my attention before things are totally out of control. I am truly blessed.

(Bob, Ann Marie, Me and Carp) This was the wierdest group of friends...but we had some of the best times!! My friend Bob, the crazy in the grey shirt, is 26 on Sunday..HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB!!! 

Time After Time

It's 3:30 in the morning.....and, yep, I'm still awake. Things have been kinda crazy lately. I've been craving a lot of alone time. Rehearsal is my favorite time of the day...but I have been having to put in a couple extra hours of practice in each day as well, since I'm not as musically inclined as the others. I love going into the piano practice rooms and fighting my way through a song until I have my part down. I've learned a lot about music, how to read music, and harmonizing (since I sing the dreaded alto part). I love it. I absolutely love it. There is so much to do all the time. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions right now and it continues to build. I love all that I am involved in, but it does get hard to manage at times. I am behind in some things, and need to take some time to catch up and get my bearings back. I know myself well enough, however, to realize that, when I am busy, that is when I am the most productive. There is something almost peaceful about being up at this time, just taking everything in and gaining a new perspective on all of it. The truth is, none of it truly matters. I mean, it matters to a certain degree, but it is not the most important thing. The problem is, the one thing that does matter, is the one thing I feel like I'm lacking the most right now, or spending the least amount of time on. I do not talk directly to God nearly enough. I know He hears me and I listen for His leading, however, I often act or react on impulse and don't take the time necessary to allow God to work in my heart concerning my day-to-day decisions. I have not built up my relationships with people, either, but have begun to actually build up a wall instead. I'm not really sure why, and I'm not exactly sure how to go about tearing down what I have built so far. I'm sure it will take some time. It has been really hard to focus on classes this week, in fact, I haven't focused on them at all, and have some repair work to do there, as well. Suddenly, my mind feels so clear, and I know it is God opening me up to new possibilities of enlightenment. The pressure is off in this moment, and I am content. Today is a new day. God is the same God. I can be whoever I make up my mind to be. Right now I want to be asleep :)

It's 5 o'clock Somewhere

Well....it's 5:30 in the morning and I have officially been wide awake for two hours. I finally gave up and turned the light on just before 5. I find that, instead of tossing and turning for hours and finally falling asleep just minutes before I have to wake up, and becoming frustrated, it's just better to get up and get some things done while I'm awake. It's kind of nice to be up when you know most of the world is asleep....sometimes. I think it gives God time to reckon with my heart. I don't usually do homework or anything like that during times like these. Instead, I usually do something that is going to help me become a better person. I figure, if I'm up at this time, God must have something pretty important to tell me. Usually, He does. I'm sitting at the computer and the screen is all blurry because my allergies have decided to go into full-blown attack mode, we have two animals in the house - I'm sure that's not helping. I managed to catch a pretty crazy cold, too. The timing couldn't be better, what with school starting, auditions, Alpha Psi stuff, and things at the church really starting to get rolling. Despite all of that, my spirits are high at the moment. I know, whose spirit can possibly be high at 5:30 in the morning? Check up on me and see how I'm doing about 4 o'clock tomorrow (or today, actually), when I know I have to sit through a three hour class, and I've already trudged through a long day....my spirit may leave something to be desired then, but I'll try to make the best of it. I just did Satin Hands from Mary Kay on my hands and gave myself a manicure.....and now I'm eating a doughnut leftover from the meeting at church. Believe me, I am a better person because of this doughnut :). Whoever invented custard-filled chocolate glazed doughnuts oughtta win the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh yeah....auditions last week were craaazy! There were so many good people, it was fun to watch everyone. The singing part of it was so nerve racking. I did not do well with that part, but I didn't give up and knew that, since my singing was below mediocre, I had to really step it up for the reading and dancing parts. It must have been enough because I got the part I wanted!! I couldn't believe it, and I still can't believe it. We are doing "Bat Boy: The Musical" and I am the mayor of the town, Mayor Maggie. It is going to be a very fun character to develop. I like to think she's a cross between Hillary Clinton and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies...should be interesting. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of this show. There were a lot of good people that did not get cast. I still am bewildered when I think about it. We are also doing "Elephant Man". The auditions are in a couple of weeks. It's a really great show, and I would love to be part of it. Unfortunately, with auditions and rehearsals starting before "Bat Boy" even hits the stage, and many good people going after the few roles there are, it's not really looking high in my favor. I am going to audition, though, and give it 100%. Hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze into that show as well, and work very hard to earn a spot. Everything happens just as it should....as long as I know I did my best, I'm satisfied with what comes out of all of this. I'm going to go upstairs and get myself organized to ensure that everything that needs to be done this week will get done. I know it won't ALL get done, but it would be nice to at least make a dent in my to-do list. It's the second week of school and I feel like I'm already a little behind. I just added a Tuesday/Thursday English class on Friday. That means I've already missed the first two classes. Hopefully, I can bear down and catch up.............hopefully. Well, I better get upstairs and do something a little more productive than sitting in front of the computer writing to myself. Good night.....or, good morning....whichever makes you feel better.