Here's what you do with things....

put them away, throw them away, or give them away.

De-clutter!

God never intended life to be complicated.

Random February Thoughts

They sang 'Mad World' today in church.  I'm starting to find some love for Kensington.

I'm not so caught up in my own stuff to think that they're might not be several people today who I can bless.    I hate those days when I do get so caught up, and fail to recognize the people I pass by that day who might need me.

I deserve this....with the money situation I find myself in these days.  I have had chances to have money, and make up for bad choices.  I haven't changed my behavior when it comes to money.  It needs to be a priority.  It's time to stop blaming everyone and everything else, and learn a new way to live. 

Grace is unfair.  Jesus has a different economy.  Thank goodness.

That message, I realized, I was not putting out there.....I was posting so much.....anger.  I deleted those.  I have accepted responsibility.  I know the person I am....in the worst and best way.

Occupy Detroit is meeting at the coffee shop right across the street from the Opera House.  I watch as people dressed to the nines walk into the Opera House for an event, and the home-sewn group passing by me to get to the meeting.  I wonder where I fit.

You will find what you are meant to do where"...your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  I used to think it was just where the world's deep hunger is, but I realize now, it can also, and should also be where my deep gladness reigns. 

6 hour wait at the UIA (Unemployment Office) to ask a simple question about taxes.  There is only one UIA office in all of Detroit.  Something is terribly, terribly wrong here.

I am part of a 20/20 group.  There are 20 of us (actually the number is higher now) who give $20 a month.  A name is drawn from the group, and that person gets to choose where the money is given that month.  I love this idea! 

Elie told her mom I was her favorite babysitter....ever.  It's the little things :)

Weird to see Rick Hamilton in a Bulls jersey.  With Lebron's new beard, he looks Amish.

Finally unpacked and cleaned my room - it's February.  I moved in late November.

Eli Manning seems like just a likable guy.  Go Giants!

It always makes me giggle when I find out a guy is following me on Pinterest.  I'm intrigued to see what kind of boards he keeps. 

Levi is now getting dressed by himself, zipping up his own coat, and saying 'yellow' and 'red', and 'three, thirteen, and thirty'.  He can count to 100, both singly and by tens.  It's the little things....   

I actually think So Random on Disney is funnier than SNL.  Plus they book a lot of bands who are up and coming, and not as well known.  The show genuinely makes me laugh sometimes.  I can't believe these teenagers are living my dream. 

I had been sick 3 different times with three bugs during December and January.

Definitely got mooned by a four year old today. 

1John 4:18 There is no fear in love.

Working with a student on monologues....it's what I'm meant to do.  My true joy is found in the middle of our workshop. 

I'll remember the image of the train heading towards the station, and the attendant hanging out the door waving, probably forever.  Kind of like the memory of when I was just about to step out onto the stage for the opening number of "Bat Boy", and I suddenly pictured stepping out onto a professional stage, feeling the energy of the crowd, and the warmth of the lights.  Somewhere inside of me i knew it's going to happen.  This trip might change my life....or not.  Either way this memory is planted for good.

I haven't listened to music the entire 6 hour trip to Chicago...no headphones whatsoever.  It's amazing what you observe and experience when you don't shut yourself off to the world.

I'm just watching everyone in the holding room, observing them as they mentally prepare for their audition.  I am completely relaxed and enjoying every minute of this.  Hysterical to observe behavior in other people.  Man, I love performance so much!!!  I hope they see that, if nothing else.  I hope they see how much I love, and need, to become another life, tell someone's story.  I am so lucky to be here!!

With rejection comes a certain amount of clarity, if you let it.  My first audition is a no, and it's the best thing that could have happened to me.  It means I have to fight a little bit, and make sure this is what I want.  This was a good experience to remind me what I'm getting myself into by jumping into this business full time.  If this opportunity were handed to me after the very first audition, it would not prepare me for the reality of how this business works.  I can lay here in bed and blame my training, or lack of training, and blame everyone including myself, and make excuses, or I can get up, brush myself off, learn something, and get downtown so I can try again.  I feel like, for the first time, people are being honest with me about my acting, and  I want more.  I can't believe there's a possibility that I might be able to have the opportunity to take three years and concentrate solely on my journey as a performer, as an actor, and study with others who are just as passionate about finding themselves in this art as I am.  I don't want to waste one second of my time, if i am so lucky to be earn a spot in an MFA program, but even in this part of the process.  This chance to audition, stay in the city, meet other artists, and observe and gain feedback is just as important.  The journey has already begun.  This process can wear you down.  Last night, by the time I crawled into bed, I was pretty beat up.  Thank goodness we get a new chance every day.  I'm refreshed after a good night's rest, and I'm ready to take what I can from today.  It's so important to take care of yourself if you're going to enter this process.  I have been taking care of myself, and it will serve me well.  To God be the glory!!  Lucky, lucky me.

I think the idea of settling into a three year intensive program intrigues me because there is part of me that likes the idea of the same job, the same apartment, and starting or helping an organization in one community for a while.  It would be nice if things would slow down for longer than a few months or a year at a time.

You've got to be open to every opportunity.  I snagged a seat where I can see the final auditions through the window.  It's interesting to watch.  I wish I would have known that so many other schools would be here offering private auditions.  Many non URTA schools are here, as well, in a different hotel.  You had to schedule an audition ahead of time with them, though, and apply to their school.  It's interesting to think of how I felt when the train was pulling into Birmingham to pick me up, the attendant hanging out the door waving, and how I feel now, pulling back into Birmingham knowing nothing's changed.  Well, that's not entirely true....I've changed.  How is it, that in my four years studying in a theatre program, I never learned how to audition?


Just caught myself humming the theme to "Night Court".  Man, I love that show.

I'm intrigued by processes, i.e. How to keep track of passengers on a train, auditions for theatre, online services for restaurants, how to take a Gallup poll,  standardized testing, riding in a cab, delivering a baby, etc.  there are processes to everything.  I am always interested in the way something is done, the How.  Who figured out the process?  What made that way THE way something is to be done?  Is it the most efficient and/or effective?

I don't really want to talk about a problem unless I am discussing a solution.

9 weeks.....9 weeks.....9 weeks.....you can do it.  Just hold on, girl, and take advantage of what you have now.....

I need to go out dancing....like, today.

Another night of 3 o'clock in the morning ideas.  This old Tiger Stadium thing might actually work, and the after school theatre program at 1515, and the motivational assembly for middle schools.  It seems I have had a ton of great ideas in the last ten years.  I think it's time to pick a few of those projects and get focused.  Yeah, I said it.  It's time to have something to show for the energy and skills God gave me.  It's time to plug in for the long haul.  The worst that could happen is nothing comes of any of them.  I guess that would be no worse than the nothing I am doing now.  I just don't want the reason I am jumping onto these projects to be that the MFA thing became hard.  I went to ONE audition and was rejected.  Maybe it was just not the right programs, or the right time.  Maybe I need to plug into a community and the Masters Degree comes along in time.  Maybe I don't need one, and going back to school just seemed like the best option out there right now.  Maybe I need to fight for it, and then plug into whatever community I end up living.  Why do I feel so pulled to downtown Detroit, then?  I have no investment or history with this community.  Where is that pull coming from?  I just want to make sure my intentions are legit, and it's not just me running from something.  I want to run towards something for a change.

Heading into a waste not, want not phase in my life.  I hope it's here to stay.  I like it.

On the weekends I actually start to feel like a normal person again, especially if I get some one on one time with a great friend.  During the week I just get too much down time in my own head all day.  Too much free thinking time is not good for someone like me.  I love to day dream, don't get me wrong, but I'm often too cruel and unforgiving of myself to be given too much time trapped with my own thoughts and nothing more.

Anger is just not worth holding onto, no matter what has happened.  It takes a lot of energy to hold onto it, energy that could be better spent loving, instead.  Let go, and find the peace that comes with loving, especially if the person you need to love is you.  "And this is love:  that we walk in obedience to his commands.  As you have heard from the beginning, His command is that you walk in love.". -2 John, verse 6

Things I think I take for granted while I'm a live in nanny (or at least choose not to worry about while I don't have to worry about them):  always stocked toilet paper and Kleenex, turning my thermostat upstairs to whatever I want, the awesome car I drive, living in a very safe neighborhood that plows their streets by 3am, and comes by again at 5am, a fully stocked fridge with healthy food (including fresh fruit!), a down comforter, a very up to date washer and dryer and free soap, no utility bill or rent, free wireless Internet......man, there are definitely things I am going to miss once I lose them.  It's all worth it to have my life back.

You Are What You Read

There was something comforting, and almost inspiring, about being surrounded by all of my stuff this weekend. I had to sort through it, pitch some of it, and organize and pack the rest. I didn't even realize I missed myself so much. I am grateful to be on the couch, in my sweatpants, watching the Oscars. Loading and unloading the truck by myself proved to be a bit more than my body could take. It's days like these where I think having a husband or a dad could come in handy. It was nice to know I could still get it done on my own. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel I had so much to prove to myself. I think it's a matter of not wanting to inconvenience anyone, really. I have a ton of people in my life who would totally jump in and help without thinking twice. Nobody likes to move, however, and I didn't want anyone to feel obligated to say yes. Random thought: You know, I often think of things to write, short updates, or long anecdotes, throughout each day. More often than not, however, I just don't take the time to sit down and type it out. Sometimes it's a matter of not being in a position to be able to write. So, the thoughts are left to swim around in my head and drive me halfway to crazy. And we're back: I cannot wait until I move into a space where I can actually unpack all of my books. The last time I was able to do that was 10 years ago. I didn't really own many books then. Half of the bins I packed today contain books. My life is half books. Seems like an appropriate percentage.

Saturday Morning Thought

"You have to find just as much satisfaction in saving money as you do in spending it."  -Suze Orman

 

Just did a quick read through of my friends who I am following here on blogger.  It's amazing, really.  I am following a man who is in seminary to become a priest, a soldier in Afghanistan, a woman in the Peace Corps in Africa, a writer (and a very good one at that), a girl doing missionary work in Haiti, a friend who is raising triplets, another friend who adopted a child from Ethiopia, and two high school girls who recently were recognized in a top fashion magazine as "best fashion blog".  Kinda makes you start to wonder, what the heck am I doing here, sitting on my hands, while everyone else seems to be doing some extraordinary things?

I have the will and drive to serve.  I always thought it would be in some distant place, perhaps a third world country.  Why is it I feel I am being called to serve in my own backyard?  They say, 'Don't stay until God tells you to go, go until God tells you to stay'.  Well, this might be the place.  I just wish I knew what He wanted me to do.  I have all this energy and passion to just freely give.  Maybe that's what you do, you just start giving with what you have, right now.

Okay.  It really is that simple, isn't it? 

Run, Run, Run, Stop. Run, Run.....

It seems my life these days is either completely hectic, or completely at a stand still. My day starts tomorrow at 6am, like usual, and then I don't stop moving until I get home around 10 or 11 on Sunday night. Monday, on the other hand, will be a 10 hour day, as usual, with the two hour break in there (when I usually totally crash), and time will craaaaaawl. I am meeting an old friend for lunch tomorrow. She's a camp friend, so I'm excited, of course. It always strikes my heart in the best way possible to see camp friends. After work, I have to drive to Saginaw and attempt to pack up my belongings that remain in my old apartment in one night. I will rent a van/truck on Saturday, load it up, and pick up my mom on the way to Cass City to drop everything off. My aunt has been kind enough to lend me part of her garage. I just have to drive to Cass City to utilize it. Hey, it will save money on a storage shed somewhere. Who knows how long this stuff will need to be stored, right? It might be three months. It might be three years. I will drive back and spend what's left of the evening with my mother. On Sunday, after I take back the moving van, I hope to make a surprise appearance at a baby shower. It would be nice to see all the lovely ladies who will most likely be in attendance. When I get back to Detroit, there is an awesome event at 1515 Broadway downtown. I want to make it to this event. It is a one night only screening of what looks to be a great movie. A PBS-endorsed film, “A Good Man“ follows acclaimed director/choreographer Bill T. Jones (Last Supper at Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Still/Here, FELA!) as he and his company create their most ambitious work, an original dance-theater piece in honor of Abraham Lincoln’s Bicentennial. Many people from the project are going to be there for a talk back, and the event is to help raise money to keep 1515 open. Events like this are the reason I moved here in the first place. I need to actually start attending these things downtown. I love downtown! Anyway....a long weekend ahead... 

...followed by a very looooong week.....not because there's so much going on, but because time just craaaaawls during the daytime throughout the week. What a long, boring week (and I only worked two days!) Thank goodness for nights like this one, where I get a chance to teach again, helping a senior workshop through some monologues and songs for auditions. I hope I always have the chance to teach, in whatever capacity. It might be the only thing driving me right now. I have so much to write....random posts I never actually posted, and long drawn out thoughts on all the craziness (or lack of craziness) that is my life right now. I think it's safe to say I have way too much time to think during each day. It will all have to wait....5:30am comes so fast. Good night!

All The Small Things

"Go with the people. Live with them. Learn from them. Love them. Start with what they know. Build with what they have. But with the best leaders, when the job is done, the task accomplished, the people will all say, "We have done this ourselves." -Lao Tsu, China, 700 BC I was wondering where to begin in this giant city. It's really as simple as Lao Tsu describes it. Start small, with a small population, a small need, and continue working and loving people, and change will manifest itself. If we all do this, big things can, and will, happen.

In 7 Days He Created The World: In 3 Days He Re-Created Mine

Everything crumbles. He brings me to my knees. I look to him from the floor, suddenly conscious of where our relationship stands. I stand, wipe off my knees, and get to work. I stumble, look to Him, then continue working. He blesses me. He blesses me again. And again. Suddenly, I'm smiling. No, I'm laughing. I look at Him, not quite understanding. I accept the good. Because I accepted the crumbling. We begin to rebuild....

Finding My Port

Last week, I came home from a friend's house around three in the morning, because I couldn't sleep, and had to be up for work in three hours. I came home, hopped into bed, and still couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, I began to assess different areas of my life. Naturally, I always think if I can't sleep, I must be discontent with something in my life, right? The fact is, I could already tell I was discontent, but couldn't quite place what it was exactly. I like to project feelings onto something else, if I'm unsure exactly what discontents me. I learned to do that early on, when I was a young girl going through puberty, and becoming 'emotional' for no reason, wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I also like to invent things to be upset about, when I'm too lazy, or not really sure how to begin finding a resolution. I realize I'm giving you a lot of damaging information about myself. So, was this just a seasonal thing? I mean, it is January, pretty much the most depressing month of the year, and I had lost my job, and moved away from a community I lived in for seven years.

After thinking about different things that had happened, and assessing all current circumstances in my life, I came to the conclusion that I was dissatisfied with, not just one aspect of my life, but every aspect of my life. There was not one area where I was like, 'Yeah, that's going okay'. Yikes. Well, the only person who can change that is me. So, I have begun the mass overhaul. Now, psychologists warn against making any big life decisions or changes during this 'time of seasonal depression', stating that you might not be in the correct frame of mind to choose the best option. I think psychology is incredibly subjective (pun intended), but, surprisingly, I choose to heed the warning....kind of. Okay, I didn't follow the advice of psychologists, but I am taking steps, instead of handling everything in a matter of, say, a day. One thing at a time. Hahahaha. Yeah, I don't really work like that, unfortunately. Stay tuned....because things are about to get interesting.... ;)

On paper....

it would appear my life is at a low point....a very low point.  On the surface sometimes it catches me in a choke hold.  

However, inside...deep within me, at the core...I have found the secret.  I am more at peace than I have ever been in my life.  I have found true joy.  I am happy.

I wish you the peace that I know...

The Year of Good-Bye

August 18, 2011

I often label each year, both as they begin, and again as they come to a close.  I think I mark each birthday as more of a step into the future, rather than that blasted New Year's.  29 was about finishing commitments...finally seeing something through...and it was a remarkable year.

30 was about moving forward.  Suddenly, I found myself working so hard that my life became about nothing but doing a good job.  I've always wanted to be a hard worker, so much so that I finally prayed for it, every day, for quite some time.  I got what I wanted.  I also got everything that comes with it....exhaustion, more responsibility, and also many rewards (I was just too exhausted to see them at the time.)

So, 31 was to be about balance.  I had time in the school to learn the ropes (still wanting to know more about establishing lesson plans, etc.), but we did have a new state-of-the-art auditorium that nobody knew how to run...and the expectation fell to me to learn the new equipment.  As I turned 31, we had just come off a very successful Gala...the second show at SASA that I had created from scratch.  That first semester, the Theatre class helped with almost 30 events that took place in the auditoriums.  I quickly realized that the balance thing was going to take everything I had left, if I was really serious about finding it.  I also realized balance was going to be crucial to my own well-being.  By October, I couldn't see straight, and I couldn't sleep (averaging roughly 3 hours a night).  October 13th came and went...and balance seemed like a far off wish as I blew out the metaphorical candles that year.

Something had to be done, and fast.  I approached the administration for help.  I sat in their office and said that if things continued the way they were, without help, I would not make it to the end of the semester.  I was dismissed with a wave, and told that they had an important meeting to attend, and we would have to continue this conversation at another time.  We never spoke about it again, until later that year when I was brought into the office to be reprimanded for leaving students unattended in the auditorium, and for not being able to get an event set up in time, the second event for that day.  Realizing that there would be no help from my supervisors, I had to make changes, and make them fast.  I moved into an apartment with a friend, hoping to save money, and put myself into a position to have to be more social.  The move came in October, with all the craziness that month brought.  The move was the best decision I could have made.  This is the happiest I have ever been in an apartment, and with a roommate...I love my living situation.  So, I had one good move in the right direction, but so much work was ahead of me.  The play in November was rough.  I did things that needed to be done for the sake of setting a professional precedence, but it wasn't easy.  Good-bye to staying in a situation because it was comfortable...hello to beginning to find the benefit of making a plan.

The night of the last show, I received a call from my dad's sister in Colorado.  She hadn't spoken to me in 15 years.  She called me and told me that my grandmother had passed away....seven days ago.  Before that, I spoke to my grandmother every month, at least, if not more.  I loved her dearly.  I was furious, and heart broken.  Nobody called me.  I still have yet to hear from my dad at all.  Did they even think to call?  My grandmother had been sick for a few days when she fell.  I had spoken to her a few days before she fell, and knew she wasn't feeling well.  One of the last things my grandmother said to me was "Colleen, I hate my life".  When they took her to the hospital, the doctors found tumors in her brain.  They put her in a nursing home, and within a week her heart gave out, and she died.  I think her heart was broken, too.  My biggest fear was that she thought they called me and I didn't come, or even call.  I hope she realized that I didn't know.  I would have been there.  I asked my aunt why nobody called me, and she told me they didn't know she was going to die.  I don't care whether she was going to die, the point was she was sick and needed me.  I know she was alone.  This might possibly be my biggest regret.  Good-bye Grandma Colleen...I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of you.

My uncle, at this time, was already in Arkansas for treatment.  After my grandmother passed, I withdrew quite a bit from people, in general.  I knew my uncle was not doing well, but I stayed busy with school, December being one of our busiest months for performances.  I can barely remember the talent shows that we put on for the school.  I was just going through the motions by then, but was falling apart inside.  When my uncle passed in January, I sort of just...shut off.  I realized the most consistent male figure in my life was gone...and I had never told him how much he meant to me.  He was one of those people everyone kind of ends up taking for granted.  We all miss him, but we definitely weren't there for him as much as we could have been...except for my mother.  Bless her heart, the woman knows how to come through for the broken-hearted, at the most important time.  I could learn a lot from my mother about compassion, and sacrifice, and strength.  Good-bye Uncle Ray...thank you...for everything.  I hope you have found peace. 

I realized, at that time, that I had a choice.  I could give in to all of this loss, or I could use it to change my life.  I knew how unhealthy my grandmother and uncle were when they passed, and how unhappy they were.  God had blessed me with a sound mind and healthy body.  It was time to take advantage of these health benefits I received from the job I worked so hard for.  I made an appointment with every doctor I could think of, and began a workout regimen with my roommate.  I also....decided I needed to put myself out there and start dating, for the first time in my life.  I had hung out here and there when there was a real connection with someone, and had a couple of relationships, but I had never actually dated.  I also began to leave the school by 7pm.  No matter what was happening, I would drop it on the desk and walk out.  Sometimes I would leave right after rehearsal at 6pm!  Good-bye bad habits and 15 hour days.

The dating thing didn't really take off until March, but by then I was ready.  I had been working out, was in great shape, and even lost some weight.  I had cut out caffeine in January, and was sleeping more regularly (I could actually take a nap sometimes!).  I was eating better, and starting to go out of town on weekends and visit old friends.  I was also gaining confidence in my ability as a teacher.  Up until that point, I second-guessed myself all the time.  Now, I knew I had what it took to take this program to a different level.  We just needed to finish this year, at this point, keep learning the new equipment, and look forward to starting fresh the following year, in a different (better!) direction.

When the dating thing took off, I was lucky enough to meet someone who was a great first date for me.  He was confident enough, and outgoing enough, to catch my attention right away, and kind of steer things along, while I figured out how this whole dating thing works.  I caught myself going into some old habits, but overall it was an okay experience.  We ended up being too different, and we both wanted to pursue dating other people, neither one of us wanting to get serious.  Overall, he wasn't the nicest guy I could meet, but I am grateful for him just the same.  I'm not sure I would have been able to jump in with both feet with anyone else.  Through him, I fell in love....with the city of Detroit.  It took a few more months for me to really get this dating thing down, and some of it has been frustrating.  A lot of it, though, has been fantastic.  I am happy to say that I am starting to give the nice guys a second date...and starting to kiss way too many men from other countries.  Haha....suffice to say, dating is going well.  Good-bye to detaching myself from people....hello to new opportunities, and not feeling guilty about enjoying my life.  Hello to happiness.

When I found out that Sean had been fatally shot, it was like my heart stopped beating.  Never had the violence in this city hit so close to home.  We joked about taking ballroom dance lessons one day.  It's still on the list.  Some day.  Good-bye my friend...what an example you were for us all.

My sister and her husband moved to Kalkaska.  This was the first time our immediate family was split up since my brother had returned to Michigan so many years ago.  My sister and her husband had taken off and hiked the Appalachian Trail (I had saved all of her voicemail messages, in case I never saw them again...so silly).  I assumed they would come back, and we would carry on as usual.  I never realized how wonderful, and how convenient it was that my family lived so close.  I always thought I would be the one to leave again.  I miss my sister being a regular part of my life.  Good-bye to the opportunity to see you every day if I wanted.  But, I know you are happy, and that makes me happy.  I know that mom misses you, though.  You should call her.  :)

My dear Ellen....saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing.  It brought back when I stood by the bed of my little sister's best friend in high school.  I have never prayed so long and so focused as I did at her bedside.  It was as if I were channeling every ounce of peace inside of me to her...or trying to, at least.  I went to see her on my lunch break.  I am so glad I did.  I never want to miss the opportunity to tell someone how wonderful they are again.  Good-bye sweet soul....thanks for being true.

The end of the year came and went.  I actually had energy left over, and was able to make plans, and continue working hard to the end.  This was the first year that had happened.  I knew I was heading in the right direction, with everything.  I was still fighting to work out regularly, but managing to stay fit.  I was awkward with the whole dating thing, but starting to get my wits about me.  I was holding my ground and sticking up for myself.  I was making plans with the other teachers for some extraordinary ideas for the following year.  I was traveling.  I was....happy.

Now, I find myself saying good-bye again.  My world has completely changed in the last three weeks.  I catch myself withdrawing again, detaching.  I think it's because I know what's coming.  I wish I had the opportunity for a proper good-bye with my students.  The idea of just leaving them seems unfair...to them, mostly.  It still hurts my heart to think of them.  This is the first time I have ever felt sad about leaving a community.  I have a heart for Saginaw, but my heart is too broken to stay, I'm afraid.  Plus, I can't imagine any opportunity showing it's face around here in time for me to actually grab hold of it and be able to make a living.  That means I will probably say good-bye to my roommate, as well.  I can honestly say, I think he is the first BFF I've ever had.  I'm 31 years old and finally have my first true best friend.  I feel uncomfortable about leaving my mother.  My sister has moved, and now I might, too.  I know she supports anything I do, and she wants me to be happy, even if that means leaving.  I also know that she deserves the world...I wish I could give it to her.   

I'm not sure what God has planned for me in the immediate future.  Today, I found myself sitting on my bed and staring off into space for a few hours, surrounded by medical bills coming in due to my benefits being dropped, not really knowing what to do.  When I started this blog, I was sad, and lonely, and felt this whole thing was unfair.  I was angry that this year had so many good-byes.  Now, though, I feel....free...as the tears dry on my cheeks, and I allow myself to feel sad, angry, hurt, and even a bit...afraid, and just say whatever it is I want to say, without thought or edit.  I realize that this year was about balance.  If not for the good-byes, I don't think the balance would have been possible.  My life has had many good-byes...but it also has had some extraordinary hellos.  The fact that I have lost all of these things means that I had them in the first place.  I am so truly blessed.  Many more good-byes are in my future...that's just the way my life has always gone....but it's okay...I'll be okay...not in spite of it, but because of it. 

Good-bye to the heart break I have been feeling for so long this year....hello to new beginnings, a chance to change and grow, and some wonderful memories that will forever be the place I go back to when I need love...and peace.  The end of the year always brings a different label than the beginning.  I do not know where I will be when I blow out the candles this year.  I do know, though, that it will not be anywhere I expected, and it will be exactly where I need to be in order to become the person I have prayed God would help me become.  It truly is time to move forward.

          

I Wish I Could...

Re-posted from 2006:

I wish I could see the top of the sky fly down to the depths of the earth and feel the heat slowly make its way through my soul as I draw nearer

I wish I could hear the angels whisper sweet lullabies to an unborn child, and welcome home a tired, old man after a long battle with the world

I wish I could touch the heart of every person I see, and bring a smile to a stranger's lips because I am here  

I wish I could float on the water for days at a time, without a care in the world, and let the sun warm my face
 
I wish I could know what it feels like to be everyone else so I would be less quick to judge and compassion would have more room  

I wish I could make it so I were never cold again and everyone got paid to get at least eight hours sleep  
I wish I could cry less and laugh more, sing the night into day, and write a love story for my children that would come true 
 
I wish I could stop time for just a moment so I could stare at all the people I love and memorize them

I wish I could sit and not think, get all my work done, and have that be enough

Jack of All Trades (Master of None)

Last night was one of those nights where you wake up more than a few times during the night, and finally rise out of bed at 6:30 a.m., giving up on any notion of going back to sleep.  My last dream I had found me back in high school.  I was playing right field during baseball practice (it was baseball, not softball...and it was a coed team, weird).  All of the balls seemed to fly in my direction in one way or another, and try as I may (even diving, outstretched, onto the ground), I couldn’t catch a single one.  That’s really nothing new, that is a culmination, really, of my high school sports experience.  Well, the coach had one of the star players show me how to gauge where a ball was headed, get there and plant myself, and go through step by step, if you will, of how to catch the ball.  I found myself frustrated, and I gave up and went and did something else.  That’s when I woke up. 

When I woke up, I started to think about my high school sports experience.  I thought about those who were really good, and then I thought about me.  I remember writing about that experience for my first creative writing essay in college.  I wrote about the basketball team, and how I felt cheated out of my experience, and how one game the coach actually put me in at the beginning of the game, took me out after I got the butterflies out, and then actually put me back in the game...that had never happened before (I would usually go in the last couple of minutes of the fourth quarter if we were losing or winning by a substantial amount).  I scored 10 points that game, and was the game changer at a pivotal moment.  It was awesome.  I remember writing about how disappointed I was when I didn’t receive any playing time the next two games, and blah, blah, blah.  Well, my paper came back to me, after being reviewed by a jury of editors, with red marks all over the place.  The comments on the back page suggested that the paper sounded like the whining of a selfish brat.  I was a bit shocked, and offended.  I thought about those statements a great deal afterward, trying, albeit pridefully, to find some understanding in the criticism.  As I thought back this morning, I recognized the truth in the criticism.  They were right.  I came to that conclusion after realizing something very important about myself...whether from the dream, or some other state of consciousness that we often find ourselves at in moments of clarity.  I have never actively trained for anything.  I have never worked, step by step, physically, mentally, or emotionally, on anything.  I have always come along for the ride, hoping to learn something along the way, whether by copying others, or just simply observing and floating along.  I have done this with sports, physical fitness, fashion, teaching, directing, overall health and wellness, homework, politics, college, jobs that I have had, hobbies, etc.  I have never worked on one thing, or broken it down and trained enough, to know any real skills.  Even with acting this has proven true.  I have never systematically broken it down to fundamentals, or worked on something specific like voice, or body movements, over and over again.  With acting, you can get away with that to a certain extent.  I think that’s why I have been able to be at least moderately successful on stage. 

I was not involved in sports early on.  I was in gymnastics for a few years off and on, as a child.  I can remember doing enough to get by in that field, as well.  I was afraid of the equipment, so I don’t think, looking back, that I would ever do anything that could really get me injured.  I have never broken a bone in my life, or had to stay in the hospital, or ever needed surgery.  Is it possible that someone as adventurous as everyone thinks me to be might actually have led a very careful life, and does so even now?  You know, I wish there would have been somebody to push me along the way.  I wish someone would have told me to suck it up, and not only stick with my commitments, but do the very best I could, training from the ground up, until I got it right.  I wish someone would have thrown me in the pool to teach me how to swim, so to speak.  I wish someone would have thrown a dodge ball at me early on, so I could see it wasn’t so bad, and not be so damn afraid of them throughout my teens, even though I was really good at pretending to be brave.  I could keep going, but then it would begin to sound like the whining of a selfish brat.  :)  I didn’t have those things.  I didn’t have the support I wanted.  I’m trying to look back and think of why I didn’t take those things on myself.  Why did I keep waiting for someone to come along and do it for me?  Why am I still waiting? 

My biggest secret is probably that I feel like a fraud all of the time.  I am so afraid of people along the way, not only figuring that out, but pointing it out to everyone else.  I think I feel this way, perhaps, because I have not taken the time to truly learn something from start to finish.  I did not play sports as a young child, so I joined the teams late (in my teens), with virtually no talent or skills for the sport.  I am glad that I found cheerleading first when I moved to Cass City.  My initial observations when I moved to that town (I am very observant, which has unfortunately enabled this behavior) found that, in order to survive in that town, you had to join...something, or you risk the possibility of becoming invisible.  I had enthusiasm, and I have been blessed with some semblance of natural rhythm.  Luckily, those two things won me a spot onto the cheerleading squad.  I only cheered for one year, because it became unpopular.  Heaven forbid I did something...unpopular.  So, I joined the basketball team, and the volleyball team, and the softball team, and gymnastics.  I even ran track for a couple of years, and did the high jump.  Hahahaha.  Anyone who knows my family, knows that it is a running joke how I can’t jump...at all.  Oh, the irony.  I also joined the plays, and even did forensics.  I also ran for student council,  and was voted Senior Class President.  I did most of those things during college, as well.  I showed up to every practice or meeting and ‘worked hard’.  I think I saw expending energy, or spending time, as working hard.  I think I still hold onto that notion.  I’m not sure, looking back now, that I was really working on anything at all.  I’m not sure I am now.  People often throw around the joke ‘are you working hard or hardly working?‘  I think I have spent a majority of my life working hard at hardly working.  Why not work the fundamentals after practice until I felt comfortable enough to actually be a little bit confident?  I have never had a lot of confidence, but I see now it might be because I have never taken the time to do or learn anything to be confident about. 

It’s not going to be easy to change this.  In fact, I will have to work against my own instincts, and fight the natural tendency to skip around, only skimming the surface of a new activity, hypothesis, or process.  I no longer desire to be a Jack of All Trades (Master of None), or continue to pretend to be one.  I’m going more for the Polymath, or the Renaissance Man, if you will.  Now I just have to choose what specific activity, hypothesis, and/or process in which to focus my time and energy......hahahaha....*sigh*.               

Flou Peu Clair

I haven’t written.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  I’ve wanted to write, but I haven’t written.  I just finally yelled at myself in my mind after making another excuse, and said ‘just start typing, for pete’s sake’.  Jeremiah is right.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  If I’m going to make the decisions I am going to make, then I need to make them and get over it.  I battle all day with myself in my own mind.  It’s no wonder I don’t actually do much.  I’m so warn out from fighting with myself, there’s not much left to do anything else.  I put away the idea of the assemblies for a while, because in its place came an idea to own a boutique that sells a bunch of random crap made by me, and others.  I would rent the window space as studio space, sell home beauty supplies (all organic), and maybe even some photography.  I would also do the assemblies, etc., but would use the boutique as income (along with It Works!).  The boutique idea kind of took  over all my thinking.  I even thought of using Anthony’s building as my space....haha.  Thinking of it now, it all seems so ridiculous.  Funny, how when I get these ideas they don’t seem ridiculous at all, until someone points out the obvious flaws in the plan.  How do I not see them?  Talking to Jeremiah last night, he even told me I need to let myself cry.  He said I never let myself cry anymore.  He’s right.  And he’s wrong.  I did cry, at the beginning of this whole losing my job thing.  I was doing the dishes one day and then just broke down.  I suppose it did only last a couple of minutes.  That seems to be my new thing...the quick cry.  It escapes from somewhere deep within my chest, and just as soon as it’s out, it’s gone.  I took a bath tonight.  I feel more calm, and a bit more emotional since my bath.  Some clarity came along with it, too.  What is it about a bath?  I am snuggled in my bed, and actually warm for the first time today.  I think that’s why I haven’t accomplished much in the past couple of days.  I have been cold.  When I am cold, I am usually no good for anything.  Jeremiah told me to focus on the assemblies.  Start writing the ‘script’, he said.  He told me it’s a good idea.  Why did I jump ship so fast?  I think I’m actually afraid of it succeeding.  I have always been more afraid of success than failure.  I have always sabotaged an idea or never quite followed through, out of fear that I wouldn’t know what to do next...or fear that I would take it too far, or not far enough, or really screw it up.  According to Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.  That is so true.  I haven’t taken so many shots.  My family doesn’t really go big.  I think my big sisters do, sometimes.  My little sister and her husband just hiked the entire Appalachian Trail.  The thing is, both of my sisters did extraordinary things because of their husbands.  I don’t know that either of them would have done those things on their own, if I’m being completely honest.  I don’t want to do something because there is someone else with me, but sometimes I think that’s exactly what I want.  I want someone to take off some of this pressure.  I’m not entirely sure where the pressure is coming from, though.  I’m not sure I actually believe I can do this on my own.  I want so badly for God to prove me wrong.  I know, however, in order for Him to do that, it needs to be me that does the leg work to prove me wrong.  How can that work?  I don’t know what step to take, most of the time, so I take a bunch of lateral steps that get me nowhere.  I search endlessly online, get sidetracked, bake an amazing cake so I feel like there is something tangible to show for my time, and watch ESPN all day, barely listening to anything they’re actually talking about.  I’m not sure where this day went, and this is the third day in a row that has happened.  There are obvious things that need or should be done, including cleaning my room, memorizing my lines, scrubbing the bathroom, laundry, working out, and organizing my finances...I somehow manage to avoid all of those things each day.  I don’t even feel good about it.  I think about those things numerous times throughout the day, as if that is punishment, or at least consolation, for not doing them.  Not sure why I haven’t actually done them.  Not sure why I keep thinking about them if I’m going to choose not to do them.  Not sure why this battle continues all day every day.  I wrote more than I thought.  I think this is enough for today.  Tomorrow I get to go to Ashley’s baby shower.  I get to spend time with some great friends.  I think I really need to get out and hang out with some friends.  I have been spending way too much time with myself.   

My mind keeps reeling.  My tears are trapped in my chest.  I feel like I could really make a difference...and not in a famous way, but in a big way, nonetheless.  I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how to get there.  I need to start asking questions...no matter how stupid it makes me look.  The only way I’m going to find answers is if I start asking.  I might as well go all the way to the top if I’m going to ask questions.  People who are doing what I want to do, that’s who I need to ask.  I can’t be afraid to at least try.  I might end up looking really foolish, which I believe is always a big fear of mine (even though it doesn’t stop me from looking foolish more often than I would care to admit), but at least I’m going to try. 

I find myself motivating people wherever I go.  I caught myself doing it when I saw some friends in Detroit a few days ago.  I was speaking with them and then it hit me, It’s like I can’t not do it.  Even writing this journal along the way is in hopes that it will one day be published and help someone else out who wants to make their own way but doesn’t know where/how to begin.  I just don’t know how to turn all this motivation into a viable career.  I chose performing as my number one thing I like to do more than anything.  Perhaps motivating others is the true answer.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t finished the assignment Jer gave me.  I’m supposed to narrow a list of 20 things I like to do down to one thing, and then write out why I like to do that one thing.  I haven’t written why I like to do it.  I need to finish that assignment.  I think that could help me narrow down these choices by the end of September.  I have allowed myself to brainstorm any and every idea during the month of September, with the idea that by September 30th, I will pick one and go for it with everything I have.  I can feel myself narrowing things down, but also not quite ready to let go the idea of coming up with ideas.  Haha.  I need to go to sleep.  I’m not entirely sure why I even started typing again.   

Short Fuse

It takes a lot to get me really riled up.  I have a short fuse when I feel I am being ignored, or perhaps not taken seriously, or when I'm driving down I-75 at any given moment, but those are often short lived.  Usually, by the time I breathe in and out, the moment is gone, and I realize how silly it was to take things so personal.

If you want to get me really riled up, show me injustice in its most blatant form, or put me in front of someone who has no compassion.  Well, this article , and the video with it, has a whole lot of both of those things.  The crowd cheering the possibility of allowing an uninsured man to die at the most recent GOP debate also ranks up there.  I don't even know where to begin....but "he who is without sin...", right?  I can only look at this and learn something.  What can I do differently so things like this can stop happening?  How can I help?   

Lucky Me :)

A lucky find while (finally!) sorting through some old papers:

Miss Cartwright,

Thank you for all you've done.  You've not only been an amazing teacher, but a person I can count on for anything and everything.  On the days that I didn't want to be at school, or I was upset, I knew I would walk into Theatre and you were going to make me laugh or smile.  You knew my weaknesses and my strengths.  You've made me a stronger person.  You've taught me so much about myself.  I am a better person because of you.  I will never forget my years at SASA with you.  I will always look back on what you've taught me about life and how to live it.  You are not only a teacher, but you are a mentor, and a great example of an amazing human being.  GO BIG OR GO HOME! 

Lucky me, indeed....worth every sleepless night, every tear, every extra hour worked.  I know we can all look back and think of a teacher who really changed our life for the better.  I can't believe I was given the opportunity to be one.  I hope every teacher understands the impact that they have on a daily basis.  I know most of them do.  Lucky you.

 

Seriously, who does that?

~Wednesday August 7th~

I watch TV shows on Hulu sometimes....not very often, but sometimes.  I think, when I get into a good series, that I watch because I learn something from it without having to do any of the heavy lifting.  I learn from their mistakes, or stories, and I get to see what happens next without having to stage it myself, or make any choices....and usually, there is a happy ending, (or at least a group hug:). 

I think books and movies have dictated so much of our perspective and our lives.  We say we’re entering a ‘new chapter‘ or looking for our ‘happy ending’.  We want those happy endings to happen in movies, plays, etc. because we want to know that those people we’ve been following, watching, are going to be okay.  Really, though, I think we want to know that we are going to be okay.

Those who know me well know that sometimes I scoff or get annoyed at happy endings in movies (not all the time, sometimes I watch because of that happy ending).  I am often teased about my affinity for raw, uncut movies that never quite wrap up.....but, that’s life, isn’t it?  Now, I understand some people watch those movies to escape, but we don’t live life in chapters, or necessarily wrap everything up and get a nice, happy ending in life.  How many people do you know who have passed away with no regrets, and have everything they could ever ask for, including lessons learned, and they are ready to go?  I know there are those out there who know someone like that, and I count you lucky to have such an example of how life should be lived.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a ‘live life to the fullest’ kind of girl.  I am extremely positive, and........

Okay, so apparently my mind has already grown bored of this topic.  I find myself staring out the window, onto the streets of Royal Oak, a rainy day, indeed.  My mind has been wandering to other places for 20 minutes or so.  I know the students at SASA are in Musical Theatre class right now, getting ready to wrap up the end of Day 2.  I know it seems silly how much I talk about them, but I think about it even more often than I talk about it.  I am also a ‘move on’ kind of person.  I’m not entirely sure why I am struggling with this so much.  I usually have no problem unplugging and moving onto the next adventure.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t choose it.  Maybe it’s because there’s nothing to move on to quite yet.  Maybe it just meant a lot to me.  It all just happened a month ago, and school just started yesterday.  Maybe I should give myself a break....

Last night, the director of “The Crucible” asked me what I like/can relate to about my character [Elizabeth Proctor]?  I answered right away that I like her strength.  She holds her family together, and she stands up for herself when she feels her husband might not hold up on his end.  However misguided at times, the one thing she holds onto is truth.  I am always seeking the truth.  We talked a bit further about it, and then the director said he noticed a common thread throughout the story:  Elizabeth seems to be really hard on herself through the whole thing.  I thought about it and realized he was right, even when she is speaking with John about the adultery, she is secretly blaming herself to some degree.  I realize that is how I am, I think (not blaming myself for adultery, but actually kind of hard on myself).  I don’t think that from my own perspective (people who are hard on themselves would blame it on their inevitable failure of life), but I have heard it enough from others to know that it might be true....

“Rollin‘ On A River” just came through my headphones, and I am now tapping my foot and smiling.  I am listening to the Dance Concert playlist from 2010.  Maybe that’s where the SASA thoughts came from.  I usually don’t listen to music when I write, or when I’m on the computer, and now I remember why.  I get too distracted depending on what song is playing.  I jumped online to see that a couple more families have chosen me as a favorite as a possible au pair.  (I just keep looking at these families, not really knowing what to do next in this process).  There is a single dad in California who is looking for someone to help him with his teenagers two weeks a month, and then help him with his business (as a personal assistant) when the children are with their mom.  Now I am distracted.  The guy is really cute, of course.  Dang it.  That means I probably won’t look into it.  I want to leave the country, anyway, if I go the au pair route, and the pay is too low to have any sort of life in California.  I don’t need distractions.  I need a job where I can stay focused on one thing, I think.  No.  Focusing on one thing would drive me crazy.  Or maybe it would actually allow me to see something through, and then have energy on the side to pursue other hobbies, etc.  I don’t know.

A family is interested in me in Oman (sadly, I didn’t even know where that was), it’s just east of Saudi Arabia, and south of Iran.  I can't help but be curious as to why they want an American.  That leads me to search for volunteer opportunities in Afghanistan for a half hour or so (it’s just how my mind works...I was curious, and have been since doing extensive research on Rachel Corrie).  If I’m going to volunteer, you might as well put me on the front lines. 

My time at the meter is almost up, so I need to move my Jeep shortly.  I have not written about anything that originally inspired me to sit and drink a chai and power up my lap top.  No surprise there, really.  It seemed a really good direction, but now I can’t even remember what I intended to touch upon while standing in line for my tea.

A song that is all drums just came on...I love the drums.  I desire to learn the drums, but it’s not something you can just pick up anywhere.  I think I have decided to pick up the guitar instead.  I’ll just learn right-handed.  A guitar is even something I could take abroad, and it kind of fits my style.  I’m not sure my fingers are cut out for guitar though.  I know I am cut out for the drums.  I’ve talked about the guitar before.  I talk about a lot of things. 

On my four block drive to my new destination, I already thought about five different things I wanted to write.  Sometimes I wish I could shut off my brain.  As I cozy up in the back of my Jeep, nestled in some blankets, with my Kashi Go Lean Crisp cereal at my side (sounds like shameless product placement, but it’s really good), and open up my newly charged lap top, I can’t remember a single thing I wanted to say.  Instead, I am tempted to watch another episode of “Being Erica” on Hulu (no responsibility but to sit and watch, remember?).  Hanging out in the back of my Jeep is one of my favorite places to be....I sleep back there more often than people realize...that’s weird, isn’t it? 

A lady was trying to cross the street when I was pulling out of my parking space a moment ago, but she was too afraid to cross.  Eventually, one of the cars stopped (took long enough, considering pedestrians have the right of way...), and she began to timidly cross.  I stopped, but then another car tried to go around and almost hit this lady.  The drivers seemed to be annoyed with this pedestrian, never mind that they were the ones who were breaking the rules.  Why are we so impatient?  I hope the lady was able to get in her car and forget about what had just occurred, not taking it personal.  I wonder if she’s having a bad day, rain and all, and this just made it worse.  Why do I always envision that people might be sad?  I can usually read it in their face and body language.  The truth is, there are a lot of sad people.  I see them everywhere.    

Another 20 minutes or so of random thinking....why not watch something on Hulu?  What’s going to happen if I do?  What’s going to happen if I don’t?  Who cares?  I was so excited about having all day to research “The Crucible”, and I haven’t read a single thing about the show, characters, etc.  I figure I have all day tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that to research it, really.  I think I’m starting to get too laid back about being laid off.  I think I’m afraid I’m going to run out of stuff to do.  That’s a silly thought, really, there is always something that needs or should or could be done.  I think I’m afraid I won’t run out of stuff to do, and I’ll just keep myself busy for the sake of keeping myself busy.  Who wants to do that? 

I think I want to stop analyzing all of this, and enjoy the last couple of hours before rehearsal...browsing the internet, watching a show, or reading a magazine...maybe a nap, too.  I could get used to this.  That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.

After reading my Glamour magazine and listening to classical piano for a couple of hours, I feel inspired for others, tired, and a bit...annoyed...annoyed for not doing any research, getting any exercise, or really doing anything productive.  I’m reading about college women who are making a big impact on the world.  I can’t help but wonder how they get there.  I know it takes hard work and good connections, but what kind of hard work?  What did they do first?  Here I am getting ready to go into rehearsal, and I realize I have had all day to research, develop my character, and memorize lines, but I haven’t even done so much as read the script.  It’s like someone expects me to do it now, so I don’t do it.  Is it self-sabotage?  Am I overwhelmed, or uninterested?  Or worse, am I just....lazy?  I’m not sure what compels me not to act.  I have been thinking about doing things all day.  I have been writing about it, and searching around the internet for the next step...but I haven’t done anything really concrete, with lasting benefits.  I thought, as I boarded the escalator to leave Barnes and Nobles ‘I want to be a writer...I want to write’.  ‘Good’, I thought, ‘so write’.  I got to the car, and suddenly wasn’t so keen on sitting and writing.  I get inspired, but when it comes to the actual doing part of that dream, I falter.  Why?  It could even be something I know for a fact I enjoy, I just tell myself I don‘t feel like doing it in that moment, but I will later.  Like now, it’s getting closer to rehearsal time, and the closer it gets, the more I just want to sit here in my Jeep and read and write.  I’m sure once I’m in there and we’re in the midst of things, I will be enjoying myself, but I’m not sure what keeps me from getting it together and focusing on what I can do in this moment to move me forward.  If I can’t seem to find the urge to do the things I know I enjoy, or the things that will get me what I want, is there any hope for me to ever find it?  I read these stories of these people and can’t help but wonder, ‘maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it.  Maybe I’m not smart enough, or task-oriented enough.  Maybe I am actually incapable of going that far.  Maybe I’m just meant to be mediocre.  Somebody’s got to be mediocre, right?’  Many people would tell me, if anybody can do it, I can, but I wonder...am I just really good at faking that I might be able to do it?  Am I really good at talking the talk?  What have I really done?  Why, after two years of teaching, was I still doing everything the hard way?  Haven’t I learned anything along the way?

I have to go into rehearsal now.  Thank goodness for scheduled, mandatory events...or else I fear I might sit in the back of this Jeep the rest of my life, reading about everyone else’s successes.                  

 

 

To Know Me...

is to know me....BAH!  :)

New favorite site...love.

Get Pinterested :)

Time Management

I was going to look up "The Last Lecture" given by Randy Pausch, but it didn't download correctly, and kept freezing up, so I settled for one he did on time management, instead.  Funny how things happen so we hear and see the things we need to hear and see the most.  If you have time (haha), I mean if you make time, this is a great lecture.  For those who will ignore it, or think it's not worthwhile to watch, I wrote down a lot of the points that seemed to make the most sense for my life right now, or the points that were just...awesome.

The end (not the means) of maximizing time is maximizing fun.

Being successful doesn’t make you manage your time well.  Managing your time well makes you successful.

If you’re going to run with people who are faster than you, you are going to have to find a way to master the skills that you do have.

What will happen if I don’t do this item on my ‘to do’ list?

If you do the right things adequately, that’s much more important than doing the wrong things beautifully.

(Lou Holtz - 100 Things - look it up!)

80% of the revenue is going to come from 20% of your clients.  Where is the value?  Shove the other stuff off the boat.

Good judgment comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgment.  Experience is one of those things you can’t fake.

If you can dream it you can do it.  -Walt Disney

If you refuse to allow yourself to dream it, I know you won’t do it.

Disneyland built in 366 days.  When Walt Disney was asked how they did it in 366 days, he answered ‘we used every one of them’.

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Plan for the day, the week, the semester.

You can’t change the plan unless you have it.  Refusing to make a plan because you know it will change is just a paralysis of ‘I don’t have any marching orders’.  Have a plan, knowing it will change, but have it so you have the basis to start with.

Do the ugliest thing first.  If you have to eat a frog, don’t spend a lot of time looking at it first.  If you have to eat three of them, don’t eat the smallest one first.

                      Due Soon        Not Due Soon

Important


Not
Important

#1 - Important Due Soon
#4 - Not Important - Not Due Soon
#2 - Not Due Soon - Important
#3 - Due Soon - Not Important

We often mix up #2 and #3

If you get it done in #2, it won’t have a chance to make it to #1

Touch each piece of paper once.  True for e-mail, too.  Your inbox is not your ‘To Do’ list.  You will sleep better if your inbox is empty.

A good filing system is essential (an alphabetical place for papers to go).

Use two monitors (or spaces on your mac).

Need some system for a calendar.  Using up too much of your brain to keep track of a schedule and deadlines.

A speaker phone is the best thing you can buy to eliminate stress.

Recommends standing during business calls to keep them short.  Group your phone calls, and call them right before lunch or the end of the day.  The other person will have something else they would rather be doing, so they will get off the phone quicker.

Rides his bike around the neighborhood and talks on the phone with a headset.

Kleenex and Thank You cards are essential in an office.  Paper recycling bin can save you sometimes, too, and post-it notes.  Pictures of things you should be doing instead are a great reminder of what's important.

Make your office comfortable for you, and optionally comfortable for others so they won’t want to stay long. 

You do not find time, you make it. 

Learn to say ‘no’. 

Find your creative time and defend it ruthlessly.

Find your dead time and schedule the things where you don’t need to be at your best.

Interruptions take 6-9 minutes with a 4-5 minute recovery.  5 interruptions blows a whole hour. 

Turn phone calls into e-mail.  Don’t have the ‘ding’ when an e-mail comes in, schedule time to look at it.  Only look at it during that time.

“I only have 5 minutes”.  If you want to give them more time you can, but you can tell them at 5 minutes that you told them at the beginning that you only had 5 minutes and send them on their way.

Time journals - monitor yourself and update it throughout the day - 15 minute intervals to keep track of where your time is going.  You will be surprised at what you find.

Identify the gaps where you are most likely to waste time.  Gaps in between classes is a great example.  Make a ‘fake class’.  You go into the library, and do not hang out with friends.

What am I doing that doesn’t need to be done?  What can I delegate to someone else?  What can I do more efficiently?  How am I wasting other people’s time? 

You manage your time better at work so you can leave on time and spend time with the people you love and things you enjoy.  “I worked fewer hours when I got married, but got more done”. 

Focus on the things that matter, and letting go of the things that don’t.  (Pregnant woman with a cigarette in her hand complaining about the effect of construction noise on her unborn child.)

It’s not always about efficiency.  Sometimes it’s about effectiveness and best overall outcome.

Doing things at the last minute is really expensive. 

Make up a fake deadline if something is not due for a long time.

Identify why you are not enthusiastic (afraid of failure, needing to ask someone for something, fear of rejection, not understanding the task.)  Sometimes all you have to do is ask.

Do not treat delegation as dumping (giving someone a task you do not have time for or want to do, and then micromanage it).  You grant them authority with responsibility.  Give them the resources and budget, etc. to get it done, the whole package.  Do the ugliest job yourself.  Treat your people well.  Staff and secretaries are your lifeline. 

Give someone a specific thing to do, a specific date and time, and consequences for not getting it done.  Challenge people.  Delegate until they complain (not necessarily complain, but give them ample things to do).  Get it in writing.  Send a short e-mail to follow up and clarify or overview expectations.

Give people objectives not procedures.  Tell them what to do, not how to do it.

Reinforcement.  Praise and thank someone when they do something well.

Take people’s phones in a meeting.  No sense in being in a meeting with people who are half there.  Have an agenda.  One minute minutes - what decisions were made and who has what responsibility - e-mail out to the meeting attendees directly after the meeting.

Only use technology that’s worth it.  Technology has to be something that makes your life better.  Technology can change the work flow, the way you’re doing things, to make it more efficient. 

E-mail - don’t ever delete any of it.  Do not send an e-mail to 5 people asking for something to be done.  Send it to somebody who can do it, with a specific time, and copy their boss on the e-mail (or have some kind of consequence if the task is not completed).  If a person has not responded in 48 hours, it’s okay to send another one.  Chances are after 48 hours, they are not planning on responding.

It’s not a vacation if you’re reading e-mail.

Kill your television.  Average American watches 28 hours of television a week.

Eat, sleep, and exercise.  If you get sleep deprived or stagnate, everything suffers. 

Never break a promise, but renegotiate if need be.  Call ahead of time to explain that you’re struggling and ask for an extension.  No problem if they can’t negotiate.  Stick to the promise.

If you don’t have time to do it right, you don’t have time to do it wrong.

Most things are pass/fail.  It’s okay for some things to be good enough.

Get a planner - Make a to do list in priority order (day, week, month) - Time journal - 30 days from today revisit talk and ask ‘What have I changed?’ 

Time is all we have.  You may find one day you have less than you think. 

One of a Thousand

This just happened to me recently....on the train, too....simply divine.  :)